Interlude 11

I can’t post much on here lately other than interlude posts which should give you an idea of how eventful things have been, which is not at all. Regardless, September is almost upon us in two months’ time and things are starting to pick up speed now.

The Naked and Famous’ Young Blood started playing in my head out of nowhere just now and I started crying, thanks to sudden influx of memories associated with that song. I remember Young Blood on two occasions, and both were in Bellyn’s car when Bellyn, Taliza, Karu, Harris and Zitian were there too. First occasion we were on the way to an obscure mall in Subang in search of mango pudding while the second a short lunch trip out of Sunway before our 10AM class. And then others followed in pursuit; Taylor Swift’s 1989 album was last few weeks of A2 and revising and also when we went to Setia City mall on the last day of A2 and then to Paradigm for dessert when most shops were starting to close; STRFKR of course, during photoshoots, car rides, on the escalator in malls, at the atrium, in classes, back in SMR room; Sufjan Stevens -Chicago, specifically- when we went to Karu’s house after an A2 paper and hung out in his room; The Smiths was dinner trips with Bellyn out of Sunway, crossing off food places we wanted to try night after night; the remix of that song by Calvin Harris that I do not remember also I think it’s Calvin Harris during Triple A when Bellyn and Ian led the dancing crowd onto the stage; MGMT was reaching back to sem 1 -random moments in class and also the northern road trip; TV on the Radio before setting out to Jogoya after mocks ended; Now, Now reminds me of that time my roommates and I stayed up in CPY’s room till 4AM after coming back from buying half a watermelon from Publika; Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl by Broken Social Scene when we did the band shoot at Empire and also a Rakuzen lunch trip at SS15 after coming back from SJMC; Bombay Bicycle Club when we went out for dim sum breakfast once, I think; Lisztomania by Phoenix for second Ipoh trip, of course, Taliza asking “Dude is that Lisztomania” on the train and Foster the People during our last pillow fight in the hotel room etc etc the list is endless and I’m really glad for this playlist of songs that accompanied us in all of our adventures.

I think what started all of this is the realisation that today, two years ago, I just moved into SMR, timid and confused, not knowing all the brilliant things that were going to happen to me for the next year and a half. And looking back at it, the nostalgia is overwhelming and I’m glad I’ve lived through all that I’ve lived through.

I generally refrain from posting about emotions about college -I call it collegeposting like shitposting but better and not shit. I hope- because it’s already been seven months and that’s a long enough time to get over it. Really, there’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said that everything I can possibly say is a mere regurgitation of something I’ve written about at one point or another but today, I allowed myself to delve back into the deep depths archived away somewhere in my brain and here we are now, a crying mess haha 👍

Gradual Deterioration of Toilets (KL-Melaka-BTN)

I tweeted something along the lines of “may is like first two weeks: *watches anime into oblivion* consecutive two weeks: *runs around in circles*” because when I realised I should probably submit my e-Penawaran documents the week I was going to KL (and subsequently BTN camp), I only had a week left to complete my contract documents and medical checkups. After planning everything out and also taking into account the number of days I had to wait for my medical results to be issued, everything only just fit in perfectly into that one week.

And then on Friday morning 6AM, I was in Rumin’s dad’s car on the way to KL with Rumin and her brother.

When we reached KL, Rumin’s dad had stuff to do so the three of us took a cab to Putrajaya to submit mine and Rumin’s e-Penawaran documents. Upon reaching the JPA buildings, I was quite taken aback by how beautiful both the exterior and interior of the buildings were, perhaps because I was expecting them to be like the immigration offices they have here in Alor Setar which is quite small and white-light-washed. Submission of documents literally took one second as soon as our number was announced, and the handing over of these sheets of papers that had felt like my entire future for the past few weeks happened so instantly that I couldn’t help but worry if I hadn’t mentioned clearly enough that my documents were for e-Penawaran, or if the person behind the counter had taken those documents out but forgotten to put them back into the envelope, or if I’d lost any of my documents on my way here . I also tried several times to surreptitiously walk past the counter to see if my envelope was still there in case it wasn’t there anymore, as my paranoia made me fear.

The lobby had cool AC and free Wifi so we lingered there for half an hour before getting another cab to our next destination: Majestic Hotel.

I only knew, when Rumin asked if I wanted to follow her and her dad to KL before the camp so I didn’t have to fly to Subang alone, that there would be a dinner on Friday night. I interpreted that as a banquet and I wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t exactly accurate, either. It was an appreciation dinner held at Majestic Hotel in the presence of the Prime Minister. Stepping into the lobby of Majestic Hotel in shorts and slippers made me feel entirely out of place (and okay, immensely excited) so imagine how I felt when Rumin told me that we were staying the night. Staying. In this five star hotel. It was the biggest hotel room I’ve ever been in, with a toilet so huge it had a bathtub and a toilet TV above it. I’m always very fascinated by toilets everywhere, mainly because the condition of the toilet is a pretty good and accurate estimation of how the sleeping quarters will be like. This hypothesis has so far never failed to deliver precise results.

As far as soul preservations go, I thought Broccoli would be a good candidate and he was

As far as soul preservations go, I thought Broccoli would be a pretty good candidate and I was right

The food of the banquet that night was great, and Rumin and I explored the ginormous hotel a bit and I told her that I felt like we were in the Hunger Games, living days of luxury before we were sent into the battlefield that was BTN to fight for our survival.

That night I didn’t sleep well at all despite the comfort of a huge hotel room bed, still having difficulties adapting immediately to being away from home after having been more or less a hermit at home for seven months.

The next morning however, was the best hotel breakfast I’ve ever had. It reminded me of Jogoya a bit although 1) slightly less in variety 2) breakfast food (but who has smoked salmon sashimi for breakfast? The second royal baby perhaps but not me) and 3) much, much cheaper. I usually don’t have the urge to pile everything onto my plate even during buffets but I had three plates of food including dessert so that was quite an applaudable feat for me. Honestly all I could think of was how contrasting the food at BTN would be and I just kept shoving morsel after morsel down my throat.

And then the journey to Melaka commenced. It was a 3-hour journey and as soon as we arrived, Rumin’s dad had another urgent meeting to attend so Rumin and I walked to the Nadeje crêpe cake cafe in Plaza Mahkota and I told myself I deserved to order two crêpes so that was what I did and we spent the next three hours lazing at their couches while I read Noragami manga on my phone.

Lemon & cheese, matcha and black chocolate

Lemon & cheese, matcha and black chocolate

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That night, we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant (another appreciation dinner of sorts but more lowkey) and then checked into a boutique hotel. I was honestly very pleasantly surprised at how nice the hotel room was. Especially the toilet.

Tell me the toilet doesn't look like a showroom you'd find at Ikea

Tell me the toilet doesn’t look like a showroom you’d find at Ikea

I had a really good sleep that night (because I didn’t the previous night) and I savoured the AC while I still could.

The next morning, we went to San Bao Hill for a Chinese cultural event and then in the afternoon we visited A Famosa (only the arch) and Stadthuys and its surrounding historical buildings a little, and also Jonker Street for the food. We had lunch at this really quaint corner lot place called Geographer Cafe.

IMG_7120 IMG_7122 IMG_7123 In the evening, we headed to Subang and stayed at Sun Inns next to Sunway Pyramid after plans to crash at a friend’s place at Sun-U Residence were cancelled. It was a windowless room with a weird mouldy smell and Rumin and I discussed how we were literally facing a gradual deterioration in the states of our living quarters leading up to BTN (five-star hotel – boutique hotel – inn – ?????? a mattress somewhere in the jungle, probably).

We had dinner at Sushi Zanmai and it was my first time entering Sunway Pyramid since graduating last year. Sushi Zanmai had been renovated so dining there wasn’t exactly nostalgic but just walking in the mall itself brought back pleasant nostalgia. It wasn’t like the sort that punched my gut which I suspected would arise if it was January, but rather like, “Dude, Starbucks, I remember all those times waiting for the shuttle bus here and also that time we hung out here for hours while talking about all kinds of crap”

I couldn’t sleep that night either because I was extremely anxious about going to BTN the next day and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope with the five days there so in the end I ended up with roughly 1-2 hours of sleep and woke up feeling like I’d just returned from cruising in a different dimension.

I dressed up in baju kurung the next morning and had breakfast at what I like to affectionately call “The Lil’ Subway Shop Next to College” because 1) I had my first Subway here 2) it was primarily where I befriended my classmates in sem 1 during lunch breaks.

The JPA bus arrived at college at around 9.45AM and we managed to even have a short chat with Miss Cherilyn when we bumped into her (or rather, she bumped into us since we were such a conspicuous lot by the pipes with our luggage and formal clothing). The previous night, I’d Wazed from Subang to Kuala Lipis (where this batch’s camp was held at) to see how long it would take (I’d guessed it would take maximum an hour because I’d assumed they’d choose somewhere equidistant to the Nilai camp Bellyn and Janice went to) and the answer was three hours. THREE HOURS. I could be halfway home in three hours!!!!

The three hours were spent half asleep half watching Haikyuu!! on my phone until I realised by looking out of the window that we were surrounded by nothing but trees. And yet we kept going. The deeper we ventured into forestation and vegetation, the louder I was internally screaming, all the while observing the signal bars on my phone because not even gonna lie, my primary concern about this camp (besides being able to cope) is whether there would be phone signal (because there is a certain reassurance to the knowledge that anybody is just a phone call away in the case of unable-to-cope-ness).

And then we finally arrived at a concentration of buildings smack right in the middle of the jungle – and okay, it looked pretty decent. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but I was expecting the worst to cushion any horrendous shock I might have when I saw the real thing. It looked relatively new, either that or it was pretty well maintained.

But what excited me the most was the phone signal – five bars. 3G data ran faster here in the middle of the Pahang jungle than in the living room of my own house. Maxis data coverage is meant for the wildlife and not domestic living in suburban areas. You heard it here first.

Phone signal aside, the next thing to pay attention to was living quarters/sleeping arrangements. We all got bunk beds in a cramped dormitory of about 40 people and a shared toilet. Well, okay. It’s not Majestic Hotel but at least it wasn’t a mattress on the ground in the jungle. Meals were served in metal food trays with questionable cleanliness (as we had to wash our own plates and cutleries) but the food itself was not bad. I was hungry most of the time at camp so honestly taste didn’t matter all that much when it came to silencing a growling stomach.

I only learned it was a joint camp with INTEC when coincidence of all coincidences, I bumped into my high school classmate Huda, and also later, Hajar.

The consecutive days at BTN were filled with speeches and after that, group discussions, punctuated by the worst activity of all – morning/evening exercises. Climbing the excessive number of stairs from the dorm to the hall itself was already bad enough; I was usually already out of breath halfway through while everyone else whizzed past like normal, healthy and fit human beings. The first day we had a physiological test and all my muscles and organs groaned internally at the mention of that. There were eight tests, some of which included push-ups, jumping and kicking our feet together, rope-skipping plus other impossible exercises that I thought I’d get zero for all. But? Jokes on me and you and the entire universe because I got full marks for all of them except two tests (only being able to touch the ground with my fingertips while bending [even then I usually can’t even do that so getting half the marks was laughable] and getting a 79 pulse rate after exercising [I mean. Nothing I can do about that]).

And then over the next few days we had a 2km run through the jungle (I considered pulling out of this because marathons were not my thing and by not my thing I mean I really don’t find the idea of getting lost or panicking in the middle of the jungle with no viable escape route very appealing but I pulled through while succeeding in maintaining my continuous streak of being in the last five in any marathon ever in my life) and jungle trekking (also considered pulling out because being trapped in a jungle even for 30 minutes really didn’t sound fun at all haha) (I think the reason I only managed to emerge from the jungle alive was because I was talking to Ain the whole way through) and it still astounds me to this day how I managed to survive all of that. The worst punishment the head facilitator ever threatened us with was another 2km run and if that ever happened I was willing to walk up and say, “Sir, I’d rather wash both the girls’ dorms’ toilets than do that again please”

So that was why during our last morning exercise on Thursday, when it was announced that we were having a music senamrobik session, I was so relieved and happy I think that was the most enthusiastic I’ve ever been at a senamrobik session.

I’m sorry, none of you came here to read me whine about my complete inaptitude for physical exercise.

All of us were also sorted into different groups and on the second last day, there was a game tournament session of noughts and crosses and at first I was greatly humoured by the fact that the tournament chart was drawn like the one in Haikyuu!! volleyball matches

until we got into semifinals

and then finals

and then

it was a wild ride from start to finish and I felt so proud of my teammates.

But then at night was patriotic song performance/competition night and we were the last to go onstage and basically the point I’m trying to convey here is we completely blew our opponents out of the water during noughts and crosses but our song performance was a complete train wreck and I can’t relive that night’s events without cringing so hard I have to hide from my own memory. Immediately after leaving the stage, a teammate told me she was laughing inwardly the entire time and I told her I was also crying inwardly the entire time and the expressions we both made in consensus of this statement was that of incredible humour and also deathly embarrassment.

Out of the four nights spent there, I slept well a grand total of two nights: the first night there (because of the one hour I slept at Sun Inns) and the last night (because of the previous two nights spent feeling anxious and out of place and frozen in spot by the occasional billowing of clothing hung by the beds by my dormmates). Not that everyone was exactly allowed to have a full night’s sleep in the first place as daily activities started at 7AM and ended at 12AM. As a result, every morning after waking up (besides dusting the fallen wings of flying insects in the night off my luggage and clothes and bed oh my god) was basically a mental scanning of the day’s timetable to fit possible nap sessions in so I can still uphold an illusion of a functional human being to my teammates and facilitators. The main thing I looked forward to every day was the two-hour respite we had in the evening while the Muslim participants had prayers. I usually slot a one-hour nap into it but mostly I end up watching Yowamushi Pedal on my phone for some kind of semblance of home and my daily routines prior to the camp.

My teammates from Group 4!

And so five days ended and then this happened (if you haven’t read about my post in which I almost missed my flight you should it’s 10/10 quality irony humour content) and I was in Penang for three days for a family gathering because my aunt and cousins from Singapore came by to visit and then it was my birthday and the next day I fell sick for five days straight and I now have reverted back to not leaving the house and finishing a season of anime in two days.

That Time I Nearly Missed My Flight, and Other (Ironically Outrageous) Stories

5th June – last day of BTN. It was a day for celebration, because I was finally getting out of hell. No more terrifying flying insects, no more prison food trays, no more less than five hours of sleep every night and then waking up at 6 the next morning to do push-ups or run for 2km. I woke up that morning with a rare zest, knowing that I’d be leaving in about 5 hours. We had exams in the morning (unexpectedly harder than I thought but the thought of leaving overwhelmed any doubts I had over the test), the closing ceremony, lunch, packed everything up, took photos and then left the way we came in buses.

According to the itinerary given to us, it was stated that the camp would officially end at 12pm, and that was the time guideline of which I based on to book my flight ticket. I booked a 6pm flight and, taking into account the 3-hour journey from Kuala Lipis to Subang, I would supposedly reach at around 3pm, meet up with Taliza, Karu and Harris for lunch, and then head to the airport at 5pm. Those were the plans I made, and even then, it felt pretty rushed if I were to reach the airport by 5 (meaning I’d have to leave at 4 something – plus minus 30 minutes of arrival time).

So naturally I started to freak out a bit when the head facilitator told us we had lunch at 12, and then everything else after that (packing, photo taking) dragged on till 1pm and I had to cancel my plans with Taliza, Karu and Harris. Then, as we were leaving, we found out we’d left two people behind at the campsite while the bus was already halfway out onto the highway. That took about another 15 minutes of idle waiting. It was already 1.30pm when we started moving again.

Throughout the whole journey I kept on looking at the time, constantly making mental calculations of the time we’d arrive, how long a taxi ride to the airport would be, and then factoring in the post-5pm jam. Honestly? All I could think of at that time was my bleak chance of making it to the airport in time.

And then in between of drifting in and out of sleep on the bus, I suddenly received a text from Firefly saying my flight. Had been. Delayed. To 6.25pm. Delayed!!!!!! I could almost cry tears of joy, my prayers to all the obscure gods in the world (can you tell I’ve been reading Noragami manga lately) had literally been answered. It was probably the only time I’d ever been so happy about a flight delay. I thought might just make it, so I relaxed a little bit.

Until we got to KL.

The 5pm jam was already building up as we approached the roads leading from KL to PJ. I’d initially estimated reaching Subang at ~4.30pm but we were still stuck in a bumper-to-bumper crawl at 5pm. When we finally reached the Sunway area, it was about 5.20pm and then the driver got lost and we made a huge round from Mentari to Sunway Pyramid so when we truly reached college it was already 5.35pm and I was close to tears. Rumin (who was also flying from Subang airport, albeit back to Alor Setar at 7pm) and I were starting to panic. We’d booked a taxi beforehand on the bus, so as soon as we got our luggage out, we immediately got into the taxi.

Thank gods of all heavens, our taxi driver was really friendly and nice, but when we told him I had a 6.30pm plane to catch, his face fell and he told us I wouldn’t be able to make it, traffic jam and all, but he said he’d do his best to get us there as soon as possible. Bless nice taxi drivers, bless their good souls. He even suggested alternatives if I were to actually miss my flight (such as taking a bus from Pudu and I shuddered at the thought of a 6-hour bus journey alone). Hi, Encik Zaid, I’m the Chinese girl in the purple baju kurung who was travelling with her Chinese friend in a baju kebaya, if by some miraculous chance you might even be reading this, thank you for being really nice and helpful, I [spoiler] managed to get on my flight on time.

In the taxi, I’d sort of already given up because there was a 10-minute jam so I started looking at 8pm flight tickets and I had been screaming and crying internally since the bus ride but when I saw Firefly tickets were RM400 and Malindo tickets were RM200, I truly actually wanted to shed real tears. I called my dad and told him if I couldn’t make it, I’d have to take the RM200 8pm flight. That in itself already sounded terribly unappealing, but my anxiety didn’t fail to conjure worse alternatives like having to sleep at the airport, or calling up a relative to let me crash at their place for a night with no fresh clothes and then have them send me back to the airport again the next day. Or the worst of all, taking the night bus. 

We reached Subang airport at 6pm, and I ran to the counter just as the person behind it was making a final call announcement. He was reading the names of passengers who haven’t checked in and when I reached the counter, he stared at me for five seconds. And then called out my name. In response, I threw my IC onto the counter, my luggage still left at the scanning area before I sprinted to the Firefly counter in a baju kurung and slippers. I was honestly so relieved that I’d made it, and the guy wasn’t turning me away and he even asked if it was okay that I was placed next to the emergency exit because it was the only remaining seat and I wanted to shout -non-maliciously- that anything’s fine as long as I could get on the goddamn plane. He was also really friendly and nice and I don’t know, at that moment I just wanted to hug him and everyone else at the airport out of relief and gratitude. I went to the Malindo check-in line to meet Rumin and started laughing, really, stomach-aching, bending over laughing with minimal tear accumulation in eye sockets because god, I’d made it.

It was 15 minutes to taking off so I told Rumin I’d go to the departure hall first, just in case (I honestly wasn’t going to take anymore chances – I don’t know if I had really rotten luck or really good luck that day, it seemed to be a combination of both extremities [bad luck: late departing time, waiting for people left behind at camp, KL jam, getting lost in Sunway, Subang airport jam; good luck: flight delayed by half an hour, nice and friendly taxi driver who was completely on time, getting to the check-in counter right on time, nice and friendly person behind the counter not kicking me off the plane]) and as my luck would have it, there was an unusually long queue at the hand luggage scanning area. Never mind, I still had 10 more minutes.

I arrived at the departure hall – to find that the departure time of my flight at the gate showed 18:50. Perplexed, I asked the officer at the gate and he said my flight was delayed. Yet again. My internal laughter at that point was starting to turn hysterical. The day’s events leading up to this moment made the situation extremely ironic and outrageous, I kept on telling myself I was going to pass out if life gave me any more surprises that day. But it was the same flight time as Rumin’s so that wasn’t exactly a bad thing. I told Rumin about my flight delay and even had 15 minutes to spare to relieve my nervous stomachache I’d had since the bus ride.

The flight was alright (watching two episodes of Haikyuu!! made time fly by) (pun unbelievably unintended) and I managed to fly alone yet again, which boosted confidence points by a whole lot. BTN and everything prior to that already felt like a dimension away, and I was just so tired and sleepy and hungry and dehydrated and nauseous and antsy and moody and just really done with the day I wanted it to be over already. Reaching Penang in one piece would be a miracle and honestly I’m so surprised I managed it. I made it. I did everything I was supposed to do, despite freaking out. I managed to keep my cool and I was and am still so surprised, but I’m also really proud of myself. Well done, Michelle. Bask in the glory of your own competence while you still can.

So that was some day. A day of contradicting lucks: what would’ve happened if we’d left Pahang earlier? If those two people didn’t get left behind? If my flight wasn’t delayed? If we didn’t get lost at Sunway? If the taxi driver had driven slightly slower? If the Firefly person had to pee urgently and closed the counter a minute earlier? Or if it was another person working that day and they refused to let me onboard? It’s just so baffling to think about things like this in relation to time continuum because what if no one got left behind at camp, but the flight got delayed, we didn’t get lost at Sunway, but the taxi arrived late? It’s like once things started to go wrong, other things happened subtly to compensate for and remedy the shortcomings and in the end, I only just made it. Passed the test with the bare minimum mark. Just chun chun. It’s so incredibly baffling.

Things like this don’t usually happen to me (mostly because I make sure they don’t because surprising bumps in the road like these are my #1 freak out source) so I just find this series of events ironically amusing in an ideally narrative way, and also inspiringly confidence-boosting in a realistic way that challenges my anxiety, serving as an eventful reminder (this entire week is, to be honest) that I can cope with my fears and anxieties, and I am more than just the both of them.

still here

I’m a bit disgusted at myself. No, that’s rather an understatement. I am truly super horribly disappointed in myself for the lack of productivity I’ve shown (or not shown) for the past month as is evident from the meagre one post in April on this blog. Well, to be fair, I’ve not done anything outstanding since coming home from KL. Perhaps my most impressive achievements for the following weeks were finishing three seasons of anime and 80 chapters of manga. Besides having recurring nightmares of the same theme for a week (and the KL trip), the month of April passed by rather uneventfully.

And now it’s May. It’s been six months since leaving Sunway and another four months until I’ll be flying to UK for three years holy shit do I even know what I’m doing? It still doesn’t feel real yet, but that’s probably due to the fact that I haven’t even firmed my choice. Manchester gave me my unconditional offer two days ago, but despite phone calls to JPA and everything, I still feel rather unsafe with no black & white proof that Manchester is a sponsored university so a trip to Putrajaya is needed to make sure I don’t get a surprise rejection from JPA once I start with the scholarship application.

If everything goes well, I will be heading to University of Manchester this September. I’ve booked my accommodation and decided on the need for a bus pass or not and even found a decent place to move in during my second year. And yet it still feels like I’m playing a virtual game. Ya my character got into uni, I also got her a place to stay which is within walking distance to her uni, and she’s going to cook her meals so she doesn’t go broke etc. Somehow the prospect of “leaving home” has not quite hit me yet. I’m still waiting for it to deliver its blow, because right now I’m more excited than scared, and something’s not quite right there. Not that I’m not supposed to feel excited, but I’ve had nightmares of already being alone in a foreign country and waking up in the middle of the night tremendously relieved than I was still sleeping in my own bed in my own house, and judging by my history of fears, my fear should be outweighing my excitement. But there’s no need to worry about that yet, I’m sure that time will come. For now, the idea of exploring new places and meeting new people raises my spirits more than dampening it, and it’s keeping me going so why the hell not

I’m not lying though, when I said I’m disgusted at myself for not updating this blog more frequently judging by the amount of time I have on my hands. I’ve been in the same old same old sticky fear funk again that prevents me from writing anything here, but I also want to be more honest, to myself and everyone else, because when it boils down to everything, honesty gains trust more than say, politeness or niceness. Even writing that sentence is making me fidget a little, but I think this is a gateway exercise to, y’know, not getting eaten alive while studying abroad.

So yay! I’m alive! This blog is alive! Nothing much to report on though sorry but exciting new adventures await! In four months’ time though so probably come back then just kidding don’t go I’ll even leave you with a song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately

re-

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[1]

My last meal in Subang was Jibby & Co and my first meal back in Subang after four months was Jibby & Co again. It was a great reunion; it felt like a settlement into the familiar rhythms and paces between each other, or in colloquial terms, “picking up where we left off”. It felt as if the past four months were just dreams and it’s easy to trick myself into thinking I’m back in the A-Levels routines again.

[2]

This is going to sound corny as shit but I felt like a different person as soon as I left my house here in Alor Setar. My mindset, fears, judgements etc were different; it was like returning into a pre-moulded template of myself when I was still studying in Sunway. I went from feeling afraid to leave the house to sleeping over at a stranger’s house and flying back home alone. I don’t know where that came from, but it’s a nice reminder that I’m not permanently handicapped by my fears.

[3]

You don’t really realise a moment’s over until it’s over and all you have left to hold onto are vague memories which you didn’t pay 100% brain power and attention to at that time because you were taking it for granted, and you were chasing after the next thing to do with your friends; where to next? what to eat next? And you are caught up in the whirlwind of activities and you are relishing and indulging in them, but when you go home and you settle into the same sofa crease scrolling through Tumblr again like you’ve done so for the past four months, you wonder if what happened really happened?

It did, oh God it did, and it was all I could do to repress my excessive analyses of memories at night so I can shut down enough to go to sleep.

I feel like if I don’t go through everything multiple times a day, though, they will fade away before I can remember enough details of what happened and the interactions I had with my friends and updating my mental database with it. And sometimes it’s not like I can help it because it’s already such an ingrained habit.

[4]

I love my friends and I’m so thankful for everything they do and making me feel like I can be part of something. I’m still trying to grasp a firm hold onto my existence in this world and what that means, and I’m glad there are people who are willing to be my friends so I don’t feel so alone in this vast world frequently punctuated with hopelessness.