Complications

My mind shied away from the inevitable awareness that was coming,

coming quickly now.

Have you ever felt like your surroundings are turning into ashes, the world crumbling around your ears, and you’re the lone ranger, standing alone, fighting for nothing? Have you ever felt like you were the odd one out, despised, detested by everyone? Have you ever felt like there was a subconscious deep down inside you, clawing its way to get out and shine, but being pushed deep down again by the cruel reality world?

That’s what I’m feeling right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m holding on to a kind of numbness, not unlike Bella’s, a kind of numbness that keeps you working like a robot, following Reality’s (note the capitals) instructions. The feeling really is unlike a zombie’s. But then, when you get the time to relax, to think clearly, all of a sudden, everything starts zooming back into your mind, and the pressure and tension is too much that you feel yourself exploding inside out. Your heart beats rapidly against your ribcage, oozing too much blood, for deep down inside of you, there is a wound, a wound that cannot be healed, even by time.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does, even for me.

People say, Time heals anything. I find that theory incorrect in so many ways. Sometimes, Time makes things worse. It makes you face the inevitable, the truth about life, how life isn’t always as sweet as it seems, no matter how hard you try to improvise. Life is never fair, and neither can we be fair to it, too. It doesn’t give you what it wants, it gives you what you don’t, and make you face it, regardless of your reaction towards it.

If life is giving you a hard time, never give up, for it is a challenge that God is setting for you. Face it calmly and steadily, and God will help you, even through the rainest days.

~Aunty Peh Lan

What would I be without Aunty Peh Lan’s encouragement? Of course, face Life as it is, for it is a challenge. Do not bow to it, instead, outcome all the obstacles, give your best, and you will find that everything is working as smotthly as possible. Work hard, to achieve success. Do not be influenced by the Satan; shy yourself away from it, and turn towards goodness, justice, righteousness.

I am still waiting for my pinnacle of success. No, scratch that. I am working hard for my summit of success. I won’t let Life get the best of me. I will strive towards my goal, my ambition, despite all the hurdles that Life had set for me.

Life, you ain’t seen the best of me.

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Exhausted

 

I was lost in an unthinking stupor,

holding with all my strength to the numbness

that kept me from realizing what I didn’t want to know.

 

I really should get used to my current situatian.

Bleary-eyed, tired, but still having a tonne of work on my back.

I slept late last night to finish my homework but had to get up early this morning to turn up for my school’s cross-country. I left school at 2 p.m. and had to hurry for tuition at 2.30 p.m. By the time I got home, it was already 4.30 p.m. I played my violin for a while then head for my violin class at 6. I got home by 7, and , after dinner, I had to go for BM tuition at 8 to 10. I didn’t realize I was exhausted until I almost dozed off in class. In the end, I had to admit, it was a pretty long -and tiring- day after all.

Ah, a typical teenager’s school life.

First day dilemma

Haven’t written in a while, cuz things have been REALLY busy for me since my school reopened.

LIST OF DILEMMAS

  1. None of my friends are in the same class as me.
  2. I’m appointed stupid, crazy, demented MONITOR.
  3. I’m kinda invisible in my class.
  4. I’m sitting next to….MK?? (!!!!!)
  5. My school principal just went over the top:
  • First, she forces us to wear black shoes.
  • Second, she extended our school time till 2.40 p.m.
  • Third, she cut short our recess time till 10.40 a.m.
  • Fourth, by MY PMR year, she wants out straight As percentage to be 85%.
  • Fifth, she forces us to button our shirt collars till the very top. (Not that I’ll be following that stupid rule.)
  • Sixth, she is such a PRIMADONNA.

6. I am totally addicted to Twilight.

7. I miss the holidays so much.

8. I might never see my BFF THAT frequently again cuz we’re in different tuitions this year. ='(

9. I still miss camp terribly.

10. I wanna faint at the sight of books. (Academic books, that is.)

11. Why can’t I be a vampire like Edward? I mean, a real one.

*Sigh* I may be too stuck in my own fantasy world to realize that the reality is trying to incapacitate me and eventually make me mad to death.

One of the Cullens

From now on, you will address me as Michelle Cullen.

Cuz I’m now, a vampire.

But don’t worry, I’m a vegetarian vampire, that’s what Edaward told me anyway. We don’t hunt humans for their blood, instead, we drink animal bloods only, and my favourite animal happened to be a polar bear, which I get as a present from Tanya at Alaska whenever I visit them.

Let me just introduce my family:

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The one on the furthest left is Emmett Cullen, my elder brother. He was found attacked by a bear and almost dead if it wasn’t because of Rosalie, who rescued him and brought him to Carlisle, who turned him into …well, a vampire.

The one next to him is Rosalie Hale, his girlfriend, even though they have married each other for, I dunno, the millionth time? She was rescued by Carlisle when her former husband left her by the road, almost dead.

Next is Esme Cullen, my mum. She’s a great person. Awesome, in fact. She was saved by Carlisle when jumping off a cliff.

And the blonde guy from the furthest right is Jasper Hale, who was turned into a vampire to fight against other vampires. He can make you feel all warm and fuzzy in his presence. He…um, forbids me to say the rest. In fact, he’s right beside me now. OK! I’m done writing about you now, Jasper!

(He hates me talking about his past. Ow, Jasper! You didn’t need to pinch me! )

The one next to him is Alice Cullen, Jasper’s girlfriend. She can see the future, but not quite accurately. It all depends on who she is watching out for.

The next one is Carlisle Cullen, my dad. He’s the hero, and without him, I wouldn’t even be here, writing this. Back during the 17th century, he was bitten by a vampire and thus turned into one. But he was the one who started the whole vegetarian thing.

And the one in the front, needless to say, you MUST know who he is. The famous Edward Cullen who fell in love with a human, Bella Swan. He can read people’s thoughts, which is the most irritating thing on this planet.

Me? I was found by the Cullens in a hospital in Forks, where Carlisle found me and turned me into a ..well, you know what. I have my own abilities, which makes my family nuts, most of the time. You can never lie to me. People tell me the truth all the time because they simply can’t lie to me. Haha. That’s my special power.

Night for now. I know I don’t sleep, but there’s this really great tv program coming up. Bye!

Snip snip!

So I cut my hair today. Well, I didn’t really cut all of it, just my fringe. I also straightened it. It was a Christmas present from my dad. Or so I think. I just hope he doesn’t demand a paycheck worth RM189 from me. Not that I have THAT much money.

BEFORE

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AFTER

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Big transformation? You tell me.

p/s: Finished Twilight and New Moon. Reading Eclipse. Craving for Breaking Dawn. I am now experiencing the  vampire hype.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Except it isn’t so merry for me.

Because I’m celebrating Christmas in Guilin, China. Which sounds totally cool, right? I wish. Apart from the giftd and the food (I really love the food), going caroling is one of the things I crave for on Christmas.

Everywhere i go (especially Tesco *groan*), Christmas carols would be blasting from the mall stereos, stirring vague memories in my mind. For example, songs like Silent Night, O Holy Night, Joy To the World et cetera. And I find myself reciting the lyrics without realising it, which made me miss my previous caroling trip.

Which, thanks to stinking China, I won’t be able to attend to this year.

I hate my life.

Mood Swings

See, I just came back from Tweens camp on Saturday and man, was I disrupted. I totally loved the camp. When I came home, it was already 8pm. And when I went into my house, I felt soooo uneasy and uncomfortable. But, of course, you would, right? Cuz you’re still unable to adapt to sudden new surroundings. I wanted to stay at SU forever and never come home, but of course, that is ultimately impossible. Duh. SU has been like a heaven to me.

At camp, I didn’t eat much, cuz I kinda lost my appetite. I felt hungry, but I didn’t want to eat. It’s that weird feeling. So when I came home, I couldn’t eat either. Everytime I put something into my mouth, I would puke it out. It was that terrible. So I just drank a mug of hot Milo, and that I nearly vomitted too.

I slept early that night, even though I didn’t want to. I mean, Harry Potter is on tv! And I’m missing it! Nevertheless, my eyelids closed with a soft ‘thud’ as soon as I lied on my bed.

The next day, I found out that I lost 2kg. I didn’t know if I was happy or sad, because before I went to camp, my mind was set on lose weight! Lose weight! but I failed and now I have succeeded. The negative part was my fear of anorexia, because I really couldn’t eat anything. Really.

Plus, as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning, my tears came spilling out of its sockets. It was terrible. I missed the camp so much. So, when I went down to eat breakfast, my dad was there, waiting, so I took a piece of cake and went outside to eat while my tears came splashing down. (I’m a crybaby, I know.) But I couldn’t eat the cake. I really couldn’t. In the end, I forced it all down no matter what and when to work. (summer job, ha.)

At the shop, I told the boss (which is, of course, my MUM) that I felt like puking, so she gave me plumballs to swallow. And I was like, what? I can’t even eat, and you’re telling me to swallow pills? But I had to, anyway, and chewed them into little pieces before swallowing them. (FYI, it tasted HORRIBLE.)

Lunch. I couldn’t eat. Again. I tried to rev up my appetite by choosing a big plate of rice with veg and fish. Then I sat down and picked my fork and- I couldn’t eat. I just couldn’t. So, my parents consoled me into eating just the veg. And that I didn’t even finish. So I went to King’s and bought bread to eat at home.

At home, I still couldn’t insert the bread into my mouth. But then, my favourite tv show was on and I finished the bread without realising it. After that, I onlined for 8 hours. And I found my appetite again. Yay!

Right, this is dumb I know, but I’m a dumb person. 😉

MORAL: Online helps to save you from starvation and anorexia and gastric.

OMG, I’m going to be fat again. DIETING PLAN: failure.