Month: December 2018

this year was the one year where it felt like a combination of several years. half of it was spent in manchester and the other half in KL, and already i feel like the person that i was during these two periods was two completely different people.

i’ve already talked about manchester so much on here, but 2018 in uni, even more so than the second half of last year, was one of the best periods of my life that i’ve ever lived through. it was a year of many new friendships…and also heartbreaks, and most importantly feeling utmost satisfaction and confidence in my own skin.

and then came graduation, objectively supposed to be one of the most important milestones in my life. after which came the onerous ritual of adulthood that involved moving to a brand new city to live alone and feeling like i have to work from ground zero again.

and it was difficult, and it is still difficult, but last week, a day after the pool party, as i was in the grab on the way to KL sentral to take a train back home for the christmas break, i realised that i was heading home with a slightly heavier heart than previously. i realised that i had started to form pleasant and comfortable memories of living in KL, like eating pork noodles with new friends, getting late night soft serve with older ones, and even hanging out on discord with people i’ve never met talking about a mobile game. they weren’t much (especially if i were to compare them to uni days in manchester), but they offered solace in the fact that i was capable of creating happy memories and feeling comfortable in a place that felt hostile to me upon my initial arrival.

2018 has truly been a year of many changes, some upsetting, but most were welcomed changes. i can only wish the next year to be as great if not greater than this year, to help me grow and learn towards becoming the person that i want to be.

happy new year, folks.

do you ever just one-up your own sadness? think to yourself, i have never felt this sad before, and then a week later you think the same thing, and then the week after, and then after.

i was upset when i got here, so i made myself go out everyday, texted friends to hang out with almost every hour. i told myself that it’s fine now, i still have many friends here. then i felt too restless, so i took japanese classes and got a job, and i told myself it’s fine now, i will be too busy to feel sad. and then now i realise that in the midst of busyness i still feel empty. without the distractions of multiple real life responsibilities and people and games that are to be honest sustaining me when i’m home alone, i don’t know how to feel happy. i thought i was doing well but perhaps i’m not. and i feel scared. i feel desperate. i feel lonely.

i don’t like thinking there is an external solution to this that i need to find, because ultimately self-care comes from within, but i don’t know what to do to make myself feel happy anymore.