Month: December 2023

my dad and i drove back to Alor Setar at 4 in the morning yesterday, my car full of belongings and possessions i’ve collected during my 5 years in KL.

just the day before, i sent out my last work email, stared at the screen for a good minute before making a beeline for the toilet where i bawled at the very real reality of leaving behind a healthy job environment, a city that i love, and people who were sad to see me go. it feels like i was spitting in my own face, shooting at own foot, to up and leave a life that i have built for myself and liked.

but this new trajectory i have set for myself has already commenced, and it made no sense in stopping it in its path just because the impact of my decision was only starting to hit me, and making me feel uncomfortable and sentimental.

since a decade ago when i first left this town, home has started to feel like a place of transit than a permanent dwelling. a place to stop and take a breather before i head off to the next planned destination. yet everytime i return, the lives i’ve led elsewhere always feel like a dream, with only my repeated attempts to awkwardly fit myself back into the outdated crevices and mould i’d left behind to remind me that i am no longer the same person i once was the last time i was home. home had remained relatively stagnant. i, on the other hand, did not.

it is a strange and guilty feeling to have, but i am treating this as a brief respite. a saved checkpoint, if you will. because once i set off on my next adventure again, the ability to return home will gradually become a scarcer commodity as time passes.

i’d broken my yearly tradition of blogging on the last day of each year since i started working, so it’s rather amusing to see me uphold this tradition this year now that i am temporarily unemployed. if i must say a few words about bidding 2023 goodbye: good fucking riddance. there were many ups (actively participated in cosplay, gained self-confidence) and even more downs (the aftermath of an abrupt end to a long term relationship) and i am ready to move on to a new year.

have a great new year, folks.

it has been a hot minute since i publicly posted here. but i thought where i am now (and where i’m heading to) justifies a break in this silence.

to say that a lot of shit had happened for the past half year is a grave understatement. without delving into details, suffice for me to disclose that i got very hurt, and it was one of the toughest times of my life.

i’ve had my fair share of downtimes. i wasn’t exactly the most optimistic person. my first instinct when anything remotely bad happens would usually be to throw a pity party, cry and lament about how shitty my life is. and to be honest, i think i secretly revelled in that. but this time i dealt with my grief and heartache a bit differently, and i didn’t even realise the difference until i was smack right in the middle of it.

i found myself treating myself better, and with more care. cut myself more slack than i would’ve many years ago. made myself focus on the good people i’m surrounded with, the hobbies i like, and the things that make me happy and not otherwise. and in the midst of this, i realised that…i kinda like me. i like the person that i’ve come to be, the thoughts and energy i have, and the people i’ve chosen to keep by my side. and this realisation of self appreciation (which was severely lacking when i was growing up as a kid with self-esteem issues) really helped me rationalise a lot of my worries and put things into better perspective at a time when a significant chunk of my world was collapsing. i was really, really pleasantly surprised at how i handled this clusterfuck of a mess.

so that’s where i’m at now. i’m in a better place. and i have my close family and friends to thank for helping me get to where i am today.

now that that’s out of the way – where i’m heading! i’m leaving KL, the city that has really grown on me for the past five years. but initial plans, recent events and sudden serendipities to which i can’t say no to have chartered my course to – Singapore. if all goes well, i will be moving to lion city next month. it’s both exciting and daunting but i am ready for a change in scenery.

that means i’m leaving again. my whole life has just been a series of departures. leaving Alor Setar, leaving Sunway, leaving Manchester and now this. i used to hate it, and was envious of friends who were fortunate enough to always have the comfort of staying. but i think i’m ready to feel uncomfortable and do things that scare me, just to see how much i can push myself to be an even better version of myself. i can’t wait to see and to show everyone what else i am capable of.

leaving is hard, but if there’s something i learned from recent events, it’s that sometimes you don’t level up until you leave. so i hope this next phase of my life is a good one. see you guys around.