my dad and i drove back to Alor Setar at 4 in the morning yesterday, my car full of belongings and possessions i’ve collected during my 5 years in KL.
just the day before, i sent out my last work email, stared at the screen for a good minute before making a beeline for the toilet where i bawled at the very real reality of leaving behind a healthy job environment, a city that i love, and people who were sad to see me go. it feels like i was spitting in my own face, shooting at own foot, to up and leave a life that i have built for myself and liked.
but this new trajectory i have set for myself has already commenced, and it made no sense in stopping it in its path just because the impact of my decision was only starting to hit me, and making me feel uncomfortable and sentimental.
since a decade ago when i first left this town, home has started to feel like a place of transit than a permanent dwelling. a place to stop and take a breather before i head off to the next planned destination. yet everytime i return, the lives i’ve led elsewhere always feel like a dream, with only my repeated attempts to awkwardly fit myself back into the outdated crevices and mould i’d left behind to remind me that i am no longer the same person i once was the last time i was home. home had remained relatively stagnant. i, on the other hand, did not.
it is a strange and guilty feeling to have, but i am treating this as a brief respite. a saved checkpoint, if you will. because once i set off on my next adventure again, the ability to return home will gradually become a scarcer commodity as time passes.
i’d broken my yearly tradition of blogging on the last day of each year since i started working, so it’s rather amusing to see me uphold this tradition this year now that i am temporarily unemployed. if i must say a few words about bidding 2023 goodbye: good fucking riddance. there were many ups (actively participated in cosplay, gained self-confidence) and even more downs (the aftermath of an abrupt end to a long term relationship) and i am ready to move on to a new year.
have a great new year, folks.
michelle teoh 