Month: June 2024

1: feinsod, jane [@janefeinsod], “this graffiti is bringing tears to my eyes” X, 15 June 2024, https://x.com/janefeinsod/status/1801662409276592279

2: caption of “I LOVE THIS TOWN!! AND MY FRIENDS!” edited over a photograph of kuala lumpur federal highway, 18 June 2024, 6:14PM

since my move to SG, i’ve travelled back to KL twice. the first time was purely because i missed my friends and there was a labour day holiday, and the second time was for my birthday.

both times, i took a coach from Novena which dropped me off at Bangsar. everytime the coach exited the toll bringing us into KL, the familiar sight of KL’s city skyline never fails to evoke feelings of excitement, comfort and relief. the first thought that popped up during my first return to KL was, “i feel safe now”, which is ironic considering i had just come from SG.

but it wasn’t actual safety that i was thinking about, but rather the security that came with knowing the inside out of a city like the back of my hand, knowing where to go and who to find in the city i had lived in for 5 years. there was a certain feeling of freedom, autonomy and mobility that i had felt upon being back – again, another irony given i was without a vehicle and had to travel everywhere by Grab.

still, the feeling of belonging was present, even though i had left. and this feeling was especially pronounced when i find myself performing routines that i used to find mundane in my past life – walking in Publika where i had worked at for 3 years, getting a fresh manicure at my favourite manicurist in Kepong, visiting the Herbaline Hartamas branch that i always frequented for facial appointments, spinning at Club Aloha where i used to go every week – these were all activities i barely batted an eyelid at previously, yet feel so much nostalgia for now that they no longer form part of my current routine. now, i find myself pausing in the midst of these former routines, gears slowing down in my brain just a bit as i realise how much i miss the life that came with these familiar habits. it always felt like i was trying to mould my headspace back into the one i had half a year ago, until i shake myself awake to come to terms with the rude awakening that i am now just a mere visitor in this city i now long for so much.

this all may sound very dramatic, but i cannot help the strong Yearning™ that surfaces from the aforementioned familiarity and comfort, the alluring, repeated calls of my friends to “just come back” and finally, the involuntary and subconscious pondering of what my life could have looked like had i not chosen to leave KL.

the two weeks i had spent in KL over the past two months (coupled with a myriad of other reasons, some of which i prefer not to disclose here) were enough to wage an internal war within myself as i boarded the coach back to SG just last week. it was enough to push me into a decision-making corner where i toyed with firming up the idea of coming back after a two-year tenure in SG. in that moment, it felt like the most natural and correct decision to make. most importantly, it felt like a decision that i wanted to make.

now here’s the thing – it would not have been a war had it not been for the fact that i do not dislike my life in SG. in fact, i wrote a whole ass post just three weeks ago that i had no regrets moving to SG. looking inwards from a pair of objective lens, i was cognisant of what i was feeling – longing, yearning, missing of what felt familiar and comfortable to me. but wasn’t that precisely the reason why i made the decision to move, so that i could leave my then comfort zone?

during the initial stages when i was deliberating altering the course of my life path, one of the reasons i told myself in support of this decision was that i wanted a change of environment, wanted to explore what else there was out there beyond what i had already known. there were friends around me who were also moving overseas for work or to pursue a master’s, so it had made sense in my mind to do something similar. to test my own boundaries and see what i was capable of and how much more i could grow. i had no commitments tying me down to any one place anyway, it was the perfect window of opportunity to explore. i gave myself the standard self pep talk and believed in it.

but i also cannot deny that i have in recent times been repeatedly reminded that peers of my age range now have different priorities in mind, building up their support systems and choosing to settle down and start the next phase of their lives in a place of their choice. it is that time of my life and it has been since last year, when my social media feed was filled with nothing but updates about engagements, weddings, housebuying and even childbirths. and while if you ask me now if that is what i want at this juncture of my life i can answer negatively with no hesitation, there is still this nagging feeling at the back of my head activated by societal expectations and pressure that – maybe i am not doing life the right way. as a child, i never doubted that my future blueprint would not stray all that much from the typical adulting experience. being different was not characteristic of me. and now while i do not fear being different, i do fear the objective correctness of how my life is panning out.

that is to say, i struggle between feeling too young to stay stagnant and not continue exploring, and too old to not begin any plans of settling down. and i often feel like i can’t say for sure what i want, because i always feel like a different person depending on where i am, in this case KL and SG. and for each time in SG that i feel like the best version of myself by being hyper independent, constantly chasing after self growth and building an ideal identity for myself, i return to KL feeling like i no longer need or want such a bragging right, and often wish to give all of that up just to have a comfortable and relatively stable life back.

still, i know there is no correct answer to any of this. perhaps i am jumping the gun by feeling pressured to make a decision now, having only been in SG for four months, but i sometimes wonder if each day i spend not having a concrete future plan in place is a day wasted towards building an ideal future for myself, whether it’s in KL or SG.

***

the coach ride back to SG that Tuesday was painful and took a whole 7 hours. by the time i reached Tuas Checkpoint, i was tired, sticky and hungry. but funnily enough, as i pushed my luggage through the white autogates and was greeted with more English signs rather than BM ones, i could feel a literal shift in my psyche. remember how i said i feel like two different people in both cities? apparently all it took was physically crossing the border to evoke that shift. i was thinking about work the next day but not in a bad way, nestling down into my sheets in my rented room at Redhill, and restarting my spinning routine at Revolution. i was so caught up with missing my KL routines that i’d forgotten i had also developed routines in SG which, although not familiar or nostalgic, felt mine.

this sense of belonging (SG Version) intensified further on my first day back at the office, where i slowly regained a feeling of purpose. my purpose. fulfilling my role in the company. attending pilates with my colleagues and having satay dinner with some beer after. for someone who dreaded returning to SG less than 24 hours ago, i was certainly settling in well in the routine i have (present tense), feeling happy and contented. that weekend, Caitlin, Ian, Mark and i organised a game night where we spent 5 chaotic hours playing Mario Kart and Overcooked at Caitlin and Mark’s new flat, which made me feel so fulfilled and warm inside. even when i spent the rest of that weekend doing nothing but binge watch Netflix on my iPad in bed after my weekly spin class, it felt homely.

and yet (this post is filled with self-inflicted contradictions), i still don’t know if i can see a long term future by staying in SG, given how stifling it feels to even just learn about the rigid and fixed family planning system this nanny state has drawn up for its residents.

now do you understand my present dilemma? how can i simultaneously feel at home in two different places yet like a nomad with no specific anchor to any one place, all at once? the internal war within me rages on.

it is almost a rite of passage for people i meet in different phases of my life to chance upon this blog. i remember feeling some form of vulnerability when i was younger during a-levels or uni, since i used to be fairly generous in the extent of emotions i allowed myself to pour into my writing, but i generally welcomed it, since reading my blog allowed others treasured insight into my thoughts and emotions which were greatly reserved for the written word only.

so when one of my colleagues messaged me on Teams one evening last week to tell me that he had discovered my blog and found himself resonating with posts i had written about two michelle eras ago, i felt a strong sense of deja vu. but this time, i did not feel the familiar self-consciousness that often arose with the fear of being known and perceived by somebody new. maybe it’s because i hardly write here anymore to warrant any strong feelings of reticence, or maybe i am approaching a point in my life where i am happy and comfortable with every bit that makes me who i am, even the parts that i used to hide away from the world. regardless, it made me feel nostalgic and somewhat… proud.

there used to be a gaping chasm between the Person I Was, and the Person I Wanted to Be, and i think i spent a good deal of my youth constantly beating myself up and urgently chasing something in order to close this sickening gap. this gap then manifested in a difference between a portrayal of the self via my online persona and in real life, which prompted me to write this piece for a friend’s zine back in 2016 which started off as follows:

and that is one of the things that makes my dramatic move to SG worth it – having the opportunity to rebrand myself. building a life routine for myself which i actually like. it is true when they say a change in one’s physical surroundings can cause as impactful a change in one’s psyche. i don’t think i am drastically a different person from who i was when i left MY, but there have been multiple occasions since i moved here when i subconsciously found myself looking at myself from a third person’s point of view and realised that the person i am today is very close to who i had been striving to be for most of my teenage and early adult years. i cannot begin to describe how exhilarating and surreal it feels to finally feel happy in my own skin.

(hence why when people tell me all good things end in your 20s, i strongly disagree with them. i spent my 20s figuring out who exactly it is i wanted to be, and i will happily spend my 30s being exactly the person i wanted to be.)

so despite the doubts and anxieties i had prior to my move here, i think i made the right choice to move. there are many things i still lament about (the comfort and familiarity of MY, for example), but i do feel the small bouts of regret which occasionally rear their ugly heads dissipating day by day. another colleague told me how much she appreciated my presence since i joined the company, and sometimes that in itself makes me feel like the move was already worth it.

i do believe that change in any way, shape or form is not only a crucial building block towards growth, but it is also highly valuable in that not many people are lucky enough to be afforded the opportunity to leave their comfort zones in the pursuit of something more. i wrote before that i was envious of peers who had the fortune to stay, but maybe the real fortuity lies in being able to leave.

i do not regret taking this leap of faith despite the myriad of events leading up to this decision, but whether SG is a place i see myself calling home – that is a different story for another time.

• change, part ii