it is almost a rite of passage for people i meet in different phases of my life to chance upon this blog. i remember feeling some form of vulnerability when i was younger during a-levels or uni, since i used to be fairly generous in the extent of emotions i allowed myself to pour into my writing, but i generally welcomed it, since reading my blog allowed others treasured insight into my thoughts and emotions which were greatly reserved for the written word only.
so when one of my colleagues messaged me on Teams one evening last week to tell me that he had discovered my blog and found himself resonating with posts i had written about two michelle eras ago, i felt a strong sense of deja vu. but this time, i did not feel the familiar self-consciousness that often arose with the fear of being known and perceived by somebody new. maybe it’s because i hardly write here anymore to warrant any strong feelings of reticence, or maybe i am approaching a point in my life where i am happy and comfortable with every bit that makes me who i am, even the parts that i used to hide away from the world. regardless, it made me feel nostalgic and somewhat… proud.
there used to be a gaping chasm between the Person I Was, and the Person I Wanted to Be, and i think i spent a good deal of my youth constantly beating myself up and urgently chasing something in order to close this sickening gap. this gap then manifested in a difference between a portrayal of the self via my online persona and in real life, which prompted me to write this piece for a friend’s zine back in 2016 which started off as follows:
and that is one of the things that makes my dramatic move to SG worth it – having the opportunity to rebrand myself. building a life routine for myself which i actually like. it is true when they say a change in one’s physical surroundings can cause as impactful a change in one’s psyche. i don’t think i am drastically a different person from who i was when i left MY, but there have been multiple occasions since i moved here when i subconsciously found myself looking at myself from a third person’s point of view and realised that the person i am today is very close to who i had been striving to be for most of my teenage and early adult years. i cannot begin to describe how exhilarating and surreal it feels to finally feel happy in my own skin.
(hence why when people tell me all good things end in your 20s, i strongly disagree with them. i spent my 20s figuring out who exactly it is i wanted to be, and i will happily spend my 30s being exactly the person i wanted to be.)
so despite the doubts and anxieties i had prior to my move here, i think i made the right choice to move. there are many things i still lament about (the comfort and familiarity of MY, for example), but i do feel the small bouts of regret which occasionally rear their ugly heads dissipating day by day. another colleague told me how much she appreciated my presence since i joined the company, and sometimes that in itself makes me feel like the move was already worth it.
i do believe that change in any way, shape or form is not only a crucial building block towards growth, but it is also highly valuable in that not many people are lucky enough to be afforded the opportunity to leave their comfort zones in the pursuit of something more. i wrote before that i was envious of peers who had the fortune to stay, but maybe the real fortuity lies in being able to leave.
i do not regret taking this leap of faith despite the myriad of events leading up to this decision, but whether SG is a place i see myself calling home – that is a different story for another time.
michelle teoh 