one of my “2025 ins” (as i like to call them, rather than “resolutions”) is to write/ journal more. during the past weekend, i came up with thirty 25, a series of monthly posts where i write about anything i am immersed in at the particular time, thinking that i may feel more motivated under the guise of writing for a project, albeit a self-initiated one.
the rationale behind the nomenclature is rather self-explanatory – i am turning 30 this year, in the year of 2025. as far as milestones go, even though milestones by age are often arbitrary and a product of social construct, i am determined to make this 30-year milestone one filled with inspiration, contentment, self-realisation and gratitude. my four horsemen of joy, if you will. and if any of my similarly pushing-30 peers who are reading this feel the dread of stepping into a new decadal age bracket, i hope you are able to derive some form of optimism, however minimal, from these journals.
Bellyn was in town over the weekend, and one of the things that we talked about, while cosplaying as crazy rich asians having brunch at the 57th floor of Marina Bay Sands, was the lack of spaces, or reasons, or incidents for adults to come together with the intention of meeting new people and making friends. this topic came up as she initiated a very Bellynesque idea of renting a hotel room in Singapore to throw a party and invite her friends and her friends’ friends as the fastest and most efficient way to make new friends in a brand new city. it reminded me of a tweet i had just seen on twitter griping about the proportionately dwindling rates of holding/ attending dinner parties the older we get. and this is true. never mind the foreign environment, the moment everyone hits adulthood, there seems to be an unspoken rule that meeting new people and making new friends (beyond networking for non-leisure purposes) is thrown to the backburner while seemingly more “important” aspects of life take over – career, romance, hobbies, family, children etc.
that is not to say that they are not important, but why should they take precedence over the magic of establishing new, genuine connections? from as young as when we were in kindergarten, up until the penultimate stage of college/ university before one formally enters adulthood, community has always been a common central theme in these stages of life. everyone starts out from the same starting point: befriending the person closest to you: your deskmate, then the rest of your classmates, and then social circles are expanded outwardly through sports teammates, club/ society members, friends of friends – the list is endless. but for some reason this burgeoning exercise comes to an abrupt end the moment one steps foot into the world of formal employment. connections become highly individualistic, transactional and purposive – what is the point of knowing new people if there is no benefit to be derived from it?
i doubt this occurrence is at all a mystery. adulthood brings with it a multitude of obligations and responsibilities which leave little energy and headspace for the self-indulgent (but healthy and necessary) pursuit of connections and community. i have heard many stories, both from my generation and my parents’ generation, of couples renouncing their social circles upon marriage, but i would argue that one’s craving for a sense of community is most dire upon achieving adulthood, which goes on to last for the rest of one’s life.
i watched an Instagram reel (the millennial version of “i watched a Tik Tok”) that said something along the lines of “you cannot expect friendship during adulthood”. in other words, triple the amount of effort is required to pursue new connections or maintain existing relationships as an adult in comparison to our younger counterparts. that is something important i have come to realise at this juncture of my life. i think there were many relationships i took for granted as a younger student, which was understandable (but not acceptable) because as a student, i was constantly surrounded by people doing the same thing as me i.e. studying, but the moment we were done with that phase of life, everyone scattered. all my closest friends are presently in at least four different countries and the most frequent i am able to spend time with them in person nowadays is a meagre 2-3 hours a year. this, in contrast to the guarantee of being able to see them on a daily basis and knowing they are a 5-minute walk or at most a 20-minute drive away when we were all in school. the juxtaposition is jarring.
which is why i think i am at a stage of my life where few things are more important to me than taking the initiative, being proactive and showing up for my friends. the scarcer the commodity, the more one learns to appreciate its preciousness.
when it comes to establishing new connections and relationships, the task is an uphill battle. in adulthood, most people are already comfortably settled within existing relationships and communities without the need to seek for more. so where are adults supposed to go to meet new people? there is no school to attend. not all work environments are genial and welcoming within a social context. this is where third spaces come in.
there has been a lot of throwing about of this term lately, at least as far as i’ve seen on social media. i’ve understand it to mean a distinctive place/ setting outside of home (the “first” place) and work (the “second” place) where people gather to do literally anything. the oldest, longest-running and most established third space in the history of mankind is probably places of worship, but for the non-religious like me, the obvious activities everyone pivots to are hobbies. from my own experience living in Singapore for a year as a single millennial, i’ve noticed an uptick in run clubs, book clubs, trivia nights, social mixers, pickleball events; some more heavily marketed as matchmaking events, others not so much.
in August last year, i attended, all by myself, my first ever social mixer as an adult. Offline, only one of many similiar initiatives, was founded with the modern day substitute of “your friend’s friend’s house party in university” (my favourite third space of all time) in mind, and it was an interesting concept as an observer, but also lowkey a social nightmare for the introvert within me. still, there is rarely any new experience i would say no to nowadays, and i realised along the way that the most entertaining and stimulating cosplay i have done so far is that of an extrovert.
insofar as third spaces are concerned, however, it was not exactly the most conducive outlet for me in terms of establishing new connections. instead, the third spaces in which i have found solace and new friends are my incredibly serendipitous TTRPG friend group and the fortnightly badminton sessions with my colleagues which my line manager invited me to during my 6th month of working here.
and maybe one day, i will gather the gumption to pull a Bellyn and invite my friends and their friends all to one giant party in an effort to organise the best third space one could ask for as an adult in constant pursuit of friendships.
michelle teoh 