I Luff this Tag

By Daniel!

Dear `Whoever’,
I don’t really know how to tell you this, (the mafia wants you). I think I realized it (when you put cuffs on me)(with George Bush and Stephen Harper) and I saw you (sit on)(your ‘My Little Pony’ collection). I’m sure you’re (masochistic) enough to understand (that you need a sex-change). I’m returning your (cut toenails) to you, but I’ll keep (your eye glass) as a memory. You should also know that I (never will forget that night) and (I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo).
(Best of luck on the sex change),


Here’s how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning your (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(Your name)


1) What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over

White – I’m joining the Convent

Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun

Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy

Pink – Your nostrils are insulting

Brown – The mafia wants you

No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you

Other -I dislike your eyelashes


2) Which is your birth month?
January – That night you picked your nose

February -When I quoted Forrest Gump

March – When your dwarf bit me

April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I threw up in your sock drawer

June – When you put cuffs on me

July – When I saw the purple monkey

August – When you smacked my ass
September – Last year when you peed your pants

October – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When I finally changed my underwear


3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub

Chicken- In your car
asta – Outside of your office

Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna – In your closet
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Fish – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a street light

Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper


4) What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore

Red – Put whipped cream on

Black – Hit on

Blue – Knock out

Purple – Pour syrup on

White – Carve your initials into

Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bit of
Orange – Castrate

Pink – Pull the pants off of

Barefoot – Sit on

Other – Drive over


5) What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father

Grey – The Catholic Priest

Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket

Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana

Orange – My Blink 182 cd

Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other –The elephant in the corner


6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile

Heroes- Frostbitten

Lost – High
Simpsons- Cowardly

The news – Scarred

American Idol – Masochistic

Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class

Other -shamed


7) Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful you are

Sad – How boring you are

Bored – That I get turned on only by garbage men

Angry – That your smell makes me vomit

Depressed – That we’re related

Excited – That I may pee my pants

Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you

Worried – That your Ford sucks

Apathetic – That you need a sex-change

Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid

Other – That your driving sucks


8) What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring

Yellow – Your love letters to me

Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car

Orange – Your false teeth

Brown – Your nose hair clippers

Grey – Our matching snoopy underwear

Purple – Your old New Kids on the Block blanket

Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear


9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity

C/D – Your photo with the mustache drawn on it

E/F – Your neighbors dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car

I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample

M/N – Your glass eye

O/P – My common sense

Q/R – Your mom

S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record

W/X – Your sucide note

Y/Z – Your credit cards


10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks

E/F -Never will forget that night

G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking

M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching

O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Always wanted to break your legs

S/T – Get sick when I think of your feet

U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart

W/X – Haven’t showered in a month

Y/Z – am better off without you


11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined

Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon

Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire

Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this

Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice

Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war

Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked

Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird

Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey

Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose


12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations

Australia – Best of luck on the sex change
France – Love always

Spain – With tears of sadness

China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – Your everlasting enemy

USA – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt

England – Go drown yourself



  1. Sasha
  2. Rachel
  3. Chriisseh
  4. Xuen
  5. Yi Hong
  6. YOU!



Published by

Michelle Teoh

26-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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