This Isn’t A Title.

Hi. I assume that if you’re reading this, you must know me, in a way. As a friend, family, neighbour, acquaintance, whatever. And I am very sorry to say that I have let you down, one way or another. I am not the person I used to be. I looked through my old WordPress posts and all I see is this cheerful, bubbly teenager who posts happy things that her heart desires and people actually like her and care about her and think highly of her. But if you just look at my later posts, or just plainly look at myself, this girl who has gained so much weight from all the hours of wasting her life away, her face full of weariness and acne and her sloppy manner, you would think differently. Because this isn’t the girl who likes Twilight, ends almost all her sentences with an exclamation mark, and blogs about almost everything in her life. I’m sorry but it would be safe to say that no one will ever understand what is going on with me and what I think about the whole time. I think it would also be safe to say I don’t have friends, and it’s not their fault at all because I’m the one who constantly lets them down and I don’t deserve friends like them. It might also be the fact that I see everything through hateful eyes nowadays. I get angry easily and I start to loathe everything and everyone around me. I do not wish to name names because ridiculous as it seems, people actually still read this blog when I am not worthy of anyone’s attention. There is just this prison around me and the whole world, and no one can ever get in. And I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to let anyone in either. You probably don’t know how many times I cry at school, or anywhere else for that matter, just because sometimes I feel so bloated I just had to explode, and sometimes I feel so empty I couldn’t even open my eyes and face the people around me. And then I see my friends, everyone talking so happily and I feel a pang of guilt and I didn’t want to budge in because I would be irritating. I remembered this time after school at the canteen and the school porch, and I was just weeping, and I didn’t even know what to do or what to think and all I could think about was trying not to think because if I did I would just cry harder and it would make things worse. But sometimes I’m so happy and high and I couldn’t stop talking to the people beside me but then I would remember that they would think I was disturbing and annoying as fuck so I would stop and never utter a word. And very often, I feel….restricted. Like my whole body was being held back from something so essential and important and I felt very very uncomfortable but I didn’t even know what to do about it. It would get so uncomfortable until I had to get up and walk it off or sleep it off but usually it won’t work and just goes away on its own. I dare not walk with my friends in the same row anymore because I always felt like the odd one out and I would just walk alone. And sometimes I hated everyone so much I wish I could walk right out of the classroom and sit alone with my thoughts. And sometimes I felt so alone and abandoned but no one was there to wait for me. I dare not ask them to wait for me, because I would be a nuisance. I have and will always be a burden no one is willing to carry. And I am just so tired of working and studying so hard because sometimes it just makes me so much more uncomfortable, worse than those restrictions I felt. But sometimes it also proved a worthy distraction from unhealthy thoughts so it was okay. My mum says I think too much and my dad says too but it’s not like I can control it. I hate my mind. It makes me feel so naive and vulnerable. I break down so easily it projects foolish thoughts to my head and sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t. I guess I am pretty much a blissful child and I am grateful. But I just wish I could live normally like my friends and stop being a weird person and stop worrying too much and stop making bad assumptions and stop disappointing everyone and stop being a disobedient child and stop feeling as if I have so little time. That’s all.