Do You Believe In Hallucinations?

It is 11.42pm right now, and I am in my room, typing away on my new iPhone 4, which I might probably make a separate post about (don’t I always?) I admit, it’s so hard using the mini keyboard to type, what with my stubby fingers and the mini sized buttons but I’m faring rather fairly. I’ve just went through a quarter of my blog posts from this year, and I’ve come to realize how much I actually depend on my blog. This blog, not Tumblr, and not Amichelledproduction. I see snippets of my life, memories I have already forgotten for so long it’s actually like reading about someone else’s life because face it, the old me and the current me are two completely different beings. I laugh, and I cry, and I feel contented and satisfied because I loved my life. I know I should learn to love my life now too, but circumstances are wholly different. I believe and know I am a really fortunate person. All those impossible acts and miracles brought into my life are proof, proof that I’m not a waste to everyone, that people still do care about me, and if they don’t, then God does. He always does. But sometimes I am just too ungrateful to notice and appreciate these acts of love, because I am too busy wallowing in self pity and loathing, despair, I admit, that I created for myself. A sadist, I am, loving the feeling of hurting myself yet despising it at the same time. I am just a really huge ball of confusion and delirium.

There is no actual purpose for this post, merely someone wistful searching for a medium to write, and that’s wheret Careful Confessions always save me. The fact that snippets of my posts are published makes me realize how important this blog is to me (even though those people have no right to steal my stuff. It’s supposed to be copyrighted or something.) Nevertheless, I’m just glad that I can express myself easily to other people this way, instead of speaking face to face which I absolutely fail at. One who doesn’t know me need only read my blog, and you will find it similar to the use of a Horcrux; I have part of my soul embedded here.

P.S. Title taken from the song Hallucinations by Angels and Airwaves. Big thanks to Caleb for the introduction to this band.

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Author: Michelle Teoh

23-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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