Today on Careful Confessions, we have a special guest present to share a few details about his life with us, let us give a warm welcome to Heart Teoh, our resident mixed-poodle who has recently agreed to do an interview with me after months of being begged to do so (spoiler: I was forced to say that). And now, without further ado, let us invite our special guest for the day to give a brief introduction about himself.
Are you done? Good. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about me. I’m sure all of you are terribly excited to know more about me. I mean, who wouldn’t? That’s why we’re doing this in the first place, aren’t we? Due to popular demand? I apologise for not doing this earlier, but I only offer exclusive interviews and this is a major repayment to Michelle for all those belly-rubbing, since she’d been begging for an interview for her blog for months, and also because I wouldn’t want to let my fans down. I know how much they’ve been wanting to hear from me. Well now, it is I, Heart Teoh, giving you the best tidbits of my life that would make greasy hairs curl, floorboards roll and china break.
Okay, I think that’s enough for an introduction, Heart.
This better be on Vogue or Time.
Yes, of course. And now, moving on to some questions your fans have for you. Number one, we are all dying to know, who is the real Heart Teoh?
Who is the real Heart Teoh? Is this a trick question? Who is the real Heart Te-
Just answer it, Heart. It’s a rhetorical question that means “who are you?”
Rhetorical or not, I don’t believe anyone would actually ask that question, and based on that, that wouldn’t be a question a fan would ask. You have pretty horrible interviewing skills for a journalist-to-be, Michelle.
Okay, okay. Say I’m a Martian from Mars who has never initiated a contact with an Earthling, until now. Tell me who you are.
Well, fine. (Rolls eyes) First thing we can all agree on is that I’m pretty damn good-looking. Would anyone like to oppose that motion? No? I didn’t think so. My owners always say I’m the unfriendliest living creature in the neighbourhood. Well, I beg to differ! Read that in an indignant voice alright, because I am indignant! I am offended to the highest degree of all high degrees! I think I’m pretty friendly. In fact, I think I get well with all the other dogs in the neighbourhood. Except that one dog of the same species with Golden from next door, and that Doberman two houses away, and especially that white pariah from the end of the opposite row, and also the poodle from the adjacent street, to be honest… Anyway, we all know they’re just jealous I’m a lady magnet. No one can ever resist me. Ever. Even if you hate me. Wait, scratch that. No one hates me. How can you hate me? The way that I flip my hair gets everyone overwhelmed.
I also hate everyone. I am like, the canine version of Scott Disick. I probably hate you. Unless you feed me. That’s how my masters got into my good shoes. I mean, you don’t just come barging into my territory and expect me to like you, right? The Terminator didn’t like it when people tried to mess with his subjects! Same principle here. I’m the Terminator. I’m Scott Disick and the Terminator. Now give me a bone.
No. Not until you finish these questions.
Is this how you treat the Terminator? I know I’m cute, but that is no way to treat a deadly robot machine with an M-14 for an arm!
Six more questions, that’s all.
Six more questions, six times the number of bones.
Yeah, fine. Second question is by H. Stiles of London: describe a typical day of yours?
My day starts whenever Michelle and Daddy exit the house so that Daddy can drive Michelle to school. And then I just spend the rest of the day basking in the warm sunlight and practise potential model poses for magazine covers, like the one for this interview. And then I ponder over life’s greatest joys and miseries and reflect on my journey through time, and how I was brought to this household and then all of that is thrown out of the window when Daddy feeds me breakfast. Then after I finish my portion, I proceed to growl at Golden when Daddy feeds him. How unfair. All meals should go to me. I should invent a conveyor belt that redirects all his food in his bowl to mine. Yeah, in fact…that’s a pretty good idea! I should work on that! I am a genius!
Besides making astounding discoveries about your otherworldly wisdom, what else do you do?
Well, in the evening, Daddy and occasionally Michelle will take me and Golden out for a walk to do our businesses, and most of the time I dawdle and wander around the place before deciding to poop, just to spite them. Hey, one does not simply poop unromantically anywhere, okay? Who knows, years from now people might be doing archaeological studies on my poop to confirm the existence of my species! That’s why I think long and hard before I poop; it’s one of my life’s mottos.
It also describes the texture of my poop pretty accurately.
K. East from California would like to know: who is your favourite family member…
Because he feeds me the most and picks my ticks and fleas daily, equivalent to a high class spa treatment which is highly deserving of the canine version of Scott Disick. I respond to his affection by constantly slobbering his hands and legs and jumping on him to lick his face when he’s asleep. He loves it.
Don’t get me wrong, I also appreciate Mummy’s contribution which includes feeding me the best kind of food (i.e. bones) and giving me tight, metal-grip hugs which I can never escape from; and also Michelle, who always rubs me on the belly everytime I lie on my back, which is also everytime she comes near me, and also for giving in easily in a game of ball. I have a good family. They would serve me well as minions.
Okay…right. Next is a popular question among your fans. In fact, 90% of the tweets sent in asked this exact same question: do you have any love interests?
I hereby would like to thank the doggy powers above for I am blessed with the company of two fair ladies from next door, although admittedly, they are within a closer vicinity to Golden. How very unfair! I demand justice! I demand a switching of places! We all know who’s the fittest bachelor in the house! Can’t you see that they’re constantly pining for my love! Those ladies are constantly crying out my valiant name! I just know it!
Um…okay. And what would you do if you were human for a day?
I would build the biggest and grandest building in town for all dogs to live in, and then serve my dog masters loyally and clean their poop and prepare bacon gourmet for them everyda- wait a minute. I’m the human. No. What I meant was I’M the dog master and all humans shall serve me. But then you’re asking me what I’d do if I were a human. Hmm. Nope. This question is flawed. What a terrible question. Next.
So you seek world dominance?
Bringing out the big words, are we? Sounds like someone swallowed a dictionary. Well, to put it simply, yes.
But how will you communicate with your ministers if you hate everyone?
Stop asking me stupid questions, Michelle. Of course they’ll listen to me. I’m the Terminator. Everyone listens to the Terminator. And I said “Next!”
Calm down, mate. If you aren’t living with the Teohs, what would you be doing instead?
I’d probably be a traveller. I’d be climbing the Alps, visiting Angkor Wat, sailing the Pacific Ocean, braving the Amazon forest, that kind of Wild Thornberrys thing. And then I’d publish my own travel journal and earn lots of cash and buy a yacht full of bacon supplies for me and my lover and live happily ever after.
Okay, last question. Who is on your speed dial?
My mum. Although, I don’t quite remember who she is. In fact, I don’t even know is she’s still alive. I just saved her as an empty contact on my phone…what?
And that wraps up our interview for the day! Thank you to everyone who has sent in their lovely questions via Twitter, Facebook and e-mail, and thank you for tuning in! Heart, we look forward to having you on my blog again.
Well, not really.
Disclaimer: Contrary to what people might believe from the blogpost above, no I can’t communicate with my dog nor did this interview actually take place in real life. Heart’s personality in this interview was purely made up and I just thought it might be interesting to play him up as a douchey character because that’s what I get off of him most of the times. Please do know that I love him very much and everyone in this house loves him very much and yes he is actually quite mean to Golden in real life and yes, he is “attracted” to the female dogs next door and no, he doesn’t hate everyone. He just barks at everyone. Which constantly gives people the impression that he does, which coincidentally plays well with my made-up character for him. If you get to know him more, you will soon come to realise that there is something else deeper within him.
Which is neverending hunger.