Not sure if these kinds of posts annoy you guys or make it seem like I’m seeking attention, but it’s something that’s happening to me and talking/writing about it generally makes me feel better (as it is with everything) so…I apologise beforehand if you’re unhappy?
I have a lot of fears, but my ultimate fear is fear of losing control, both physically and mentally. That’s why I am absolutely terrified of fainting or vomiting and also the thought of losing my mind, because that would mean losing control over something I previously had control over. Hence, this fear is so strong that it creates irrational paranoia within me which is amplified to great heights of fear and thus induces a stream of panic attacks.
That’s what I managed to deduce over time.
Yesterday, I had a day out bowling and karaoke-ing with Beneh, Leea, Aina, Anum, Putri, Hanisah, Eel and Aifa. Today, I watched Life Of Pi at the cinemas with Beneh, Laiyy and Nadsyam. Needless to say, I was and am exhausted, and not gonna lie, I was anxious several times; once at the food court, for no apparent reason, and several times when watching Life Of Pi (although, I have to say my anxiety was justified because of in-your-face surprises and also I tend to put myself in the shoes of the main character whenever I’m watching a movie and it was honestly so depressing) and also when Beneh came over to play Slender (also justified because…I don’t even have to provide an explanation for this, honestly).
I talked to Mei last night about having that “looming sadness” feeling and she said it was a common fear of growing up and not knowing what’s in store for the future, and that it will eventually go away as I grow older, which is honestly very comforting. Also, Chrissy linked me to a mindfulness video that taught me how to let my thoughts go and not be consumed by it, so that has helped too.
I guess what I’m just really, really, really afraid of is that this won’t go away, and it’s already frightening enough whenever I compare my current situation with the past, because it induces a “Why is this happening to me??? Why me??????????” feeling within myself which subsequently induces a feeling of hopelessness and then a full-scale worry session. But I’m trying to steer clear from that, now that I’ve got a clearer picture of what I’m going through, and just try not to think too much about anything. I mean, this too shall pass right? Every dark cloud has a silver lining?
Before I go, shoutout to Dan and Phil for being my source of absolute joy for many days now. And of course, also to everyone who’s offered great encouragements and advice and also to my friends for taking me out for outings (is that even proper grammar?).