Here we go again

A2 starts tomorrow.

Very rarely do I get writer’s block because most of my thoughts flow better when I write but this is one of those instances when I can’t seem to join my sentences together coherently enough to form a complete statement. Even writing about having writer’s block feels very “keh“, as you would say in Hokkien, like desperately trying to squeeze toothpaste out of a toothpaste tube that’s almost empty (although, life hack, if you ever do face a dilemma like that, cut the tube in half and scrape off what’s left of the toothpaste off the walls. Much like scraping the bottom of an empty barrel to salvage what’s left of your dignity as you fruitlessly pray that the toothpaste scraps are enough to last you until your next allowance rolls around). (I’m kidding, things are not that bad but the broke college kid stereotype is very fun to role play as.)

It’s also very ironic because I recently tweeted that I’ve been wanting to write for days now but hadn’t had the energy or time to do so and now, when I finally sit myself down after finishing M1 past years to login to WordPress and properly write, I can’t get my juices going. But I’ll try. I’ll try scraping the “seh sien” walls of my mind.

My UCAS application was finally sent in on Tuesday, after about two weeks of being referred and reviewed by Miss MC, Miss Carol from the A Levels department and MABECS. My email inbox has felt like a ticking timebomb since then. I feel so minute in the whole swarm of applications – I was even given several student numbers by different universities. Student number 15012542. Applying for universities is kinda like being in prison, you’re eventually reduced to the identity of numbers. Being given a student ID number also provides the illusion of already being accepted by a uni; “Hey there! You applied to UCL. Thank you for applying to UCL. We’ll give you a student ID number to make you feel all important and stuff but this doesn’t mean you are a UCL student okay”

I look like this now after having unintentionally cut off about an inch of my fringe on one side and deciding doing the same on the other side didn’t sound too bad, either.

I’ve been feeling a whole lot better about leaving since my last post, although the few days following that post on Saturday saw me experiencing “withdrawals” alone in my room in SMR. And by “withdrawals” I mean marathon watching Parks and Recreation when I couldn’t physically math anymore. Being immersed in a TV show helped to bring me out of that dazed stupor where wave after wave of emotions came crashing onto my shore of consciousness. But last night, the beginning of A2 more or less reminded me of how little time I have left and the feeling of urgency is starting to slowly seep in (although it might also be mistaken for exam revision urgency…or both).

But even I, pessimist that I am, have to admit that everything is going pretty great right now. Of course, once things start to sail relatively smoothly, I start to anticipate the next storm and waver at the edge. But this time, I’m just trying to make the most and best out of everything, and I must say, it sure beats cowering under the imaginary pummelling fist expected to deliver blow after blow at what’s left of my life shreds.

That’s three sentences that start with “but” in a row. Ancient deceased English grammar teachers are rolling in their graves right now, I bet.

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Author: Michelle Teoh

21-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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