Never have I ever hit the “Quit Skype” button so fast. Not even after I quitted two roleplaying sites and went offline before I was tempted to continue discussing subplots with my RP friends on Skype.
I had an interview with a panel of Magdalen College law tutors from Oxford University through Skype this evening, and after the thing, after a whole week of not feeling at ease after coming home from Sunway and progressively sweatier palms and vivid nightmares and recurring nausea, I signed out of Skype and paced around all corners of the house emitting different pitches of screams and groans, some of them muffled with my head buried in my pillows and some of them the only appropriate response I could give my mum when she asked me how the thing went. I felt secondhand embarrassment for my firsthand embarrassment. The blank pieces of paper I used as a mousepad during the thing were filled with scribbles of “OH GOD” in capital letters with many exclamation marks ensuing, its frequency proportionate to the depth of my interviewer’s frown as the thing progressed. The “thing” was all I could say to refer to it during the days leading up to the thing, my making taboo of the word probably intensifying an unnecessary fear.
Well, either way, there’s not much I can do to alter anything now except hope for the best. My email inbox has returned to becoming a ticking timebomb, probably even more urgent now than before. (In retrospect: I was being super melodramatic and exaggerated, well, pretty much everything, but it’s an effective coping mechanism to keep my expectations low.)
During my first week back at home, besides being a trainwreck as described above, I also managed to unpack everything I brought back from Subang, rearranged stuff in my room to make it more den-like (to prepare myself for spending an unhealthy amount of time cooped up in it), took down all my posters and put up my Wall of Stuff (which is more superior than all of the posters in the world combined), timehopped back to 2013 as a feeble attempt of an antidote to cure my reverse homesickness, and watched Markiplier‘s entire Five Nights at Freddy’s 1 & 2 and Outlast gameplay compilation (which, ironically, was my go-to to calm down whenever I started feeling really anxious).
I still want to write an Ipoh post even though it’s long overdue by slightly more than a week (it already feels like I’ve been home for ages) and I kept telling myself “I’ll write it after the thing” so I guess that time has arrived. What I don’t openly admit to myself is that the reason why I probably procrastinated on writing that post for so long was the fear of reopening old wounds of nostalgia and missing my friends