The U Word

I didn’t publicize my previous post anywhere because I felt like it was written very emotionlessly and in a detached manner but I’d posted it anyway for accurate timeline reasons and then reasoned that I’d maybe rewrite it again when I am able to be “”””poignant”””” in my writing again but it’s been a week, and I’m still in this ~floaty~ mood in which I feel everything and nothing at once and I don’t quite know how to articulate it nor put it into words.

But here I am! Here we are! Here it is! The one thing that’s been occupying every single second of my thinking time from the moment I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow (and sometimes in between too)!


Okay! Cool! Yeah! I’m so! Terrified and sad and excited! If you ask me how I feel about university, that is the honest answer I will give you!

Honestly, the reluctance to leave home isn’t unexpected, but it’s also pretty ironic considering how I’ve been lamenting my days away since A Levels ended, and now that it’s time to finally leave the stagnant period of literally doing nothing that contributes to the productivity of self, family and country, I want to cling onto precisely the comfort and luxury of being able to go to bed at 2AM without a single worry and then wake up the next afternoon agenda-less and commitment-less. It gets so comfortable, so so blissfully cosy and why would anyone trade that for a whole new foreign environment of stressful tertiary studies, living alone in a different country and attempting friendships with people all around the world of different cultures and experiences equipped with only a horrible inaptitude of social appropriateness?

For the sake of growth and progress, you say. Ah. Okay. Well then. Nothing to argue there. Lazy as I admit myself to be, there are certain things in life that require the intake of a deep breath and a steady foot forward, no matter how uncomfortable or terrifying it may be. And for me, one of these things happen to be starting university in the UK next week.

I think the pummelling has not quite yet been delivered in its full strength yet, much like the Emotional Blockage I felt during the last few weeks of leaving Sunway, but it’s on its way. All the packing and rushing around to get everything done before flying off has managed to dull the immediate forceful effect somewhat, but I feel like I’ve been internally bawling for a good few weeks now. I mean, all of this is just mental and emotional preparation for the day itself; I want to lessen the blow of Manchester Day but perhaps nothing I conjure in my mind will beat the mockingly bright airport lights, waving heavy goodbyes to my parents while furiously wiping the tears and snot away on my sleeve.

This feels like the largest thing that has ever happened to me. And perhaps it is.

I’ve been fluctuating between being sad and reluctant to leave to being excited about meeting new people, travelling to new places and “discovering my identity” (I mean this unironically but I don’t know how to make it sound less ironically) to being afraid of having no friends there and being perpetually alone throughout my entire university life so. This. Is it. An insight to (more or less) what I’ve been thinking for the past month. I don’t know how to end this just like I don’t really know. What. To feel. I just hope I am able to cope and accept and adapt and ultimately be independent to survive on my own. And after this 3-year stunt, I know I’ll emerge a changed and improved (hopefully) person and more than anything, I look forward to embodying that Michelle in the future.

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Michelle Teoh

26-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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