All You Skinny People

This is social suicide, but this is my blog so.

I weigh 58kg.

I’m approximately 5 feet.

I think that makes me slightly overweight or something, I’m not too sure. (It also means I’ve gained 3kg since the starting of this year.) People often say to me, “No! You’re not fat!” but I know I’m definitely (to put it in a slightly ‘better’ word) plumper than most girls in school, tuition, or anywhere else for that matter. Not everyone knows the suffering of being a chubby/plump person. How about when you go to a store, and get all giddy because everything in the shop is so rad but then the salesperson tells you, “Sorry, we don’t have that in your size.” and you really feel like tearing the world into half.

Going to tuition isn’t any better. Especially Alan’s tuition because almost everyone there is thin as a rake. Do you know what it feels like to walk into a room full of crowded people and have everyone stare at you and imagining thoughts in their head that might go, “Oh my God why is she so fat?” or “Jeesh, she’s like the only odd one out here.” And I suck in my stomach because revealing a paunch would be would be mortifying.

Walking in the mall is another terrible scenario. Normally, I’d be brimming with happiness whenever I had the chance to go out, but as soon as I stepped into the mall, all I see are skinny girls dressed up so meticulously I just felt like escaping. Going out with friends are the worst. Teenagers like me move about in groups, all dressed so maturely and socialising so confidently it just made my heart ache.

I know people say, “Everyone is beautiful,” and “You shouldn’t judge people based on their body size” and all, but come on, let’s all hold hands and form a little friendly human chain and admit that it’s typical for strangers to look at you based on first impressions, and first impressions are mainly physical appearances. And if you’re not skinny, well, bad news for you.

Worst thing to have ever happened to me: going to secondary school and have teachers/students form primary school looking at me and going, “Michelle! You’ve gotten so fat!”

I appreciate your concern…well actually, no. There was a time I was obsessed to get thin and no, it didn’t work out well at all. (If you really want to know, I starved myself until I literally couldn’t eat at all.) Sometimes, I’m happy about my body size, sometimes, I’m definitely not. The truth is, skinny people make me lose self-esteem really, really fast. I’m not taking the piss out on skinny people all over the world, I’m just…frustrated.

Worn Out

God created the human body to withstand certain exertions only, and till today, my body is probably on its way to the junkyard.

It’s been kawad, kawad and kawad these few days, with the approach of Sports Day and all, and I’ve resumed to my daily routine of spending almost twelve hours in school since orchestra practice last month. It doesn’t help that exams are inching nearer than ever and homework is piling up like I don’t know what. Every day I come home, shower, and fall asleep almost immediately. And that’s to saying that I didn’t even touch my homework. A teenager’s life these days… you’d think we were obsessive compulsive workaholics. We’re not. We’re worse than that.

I’ve about just had more than my body can bear at the field during kawad just now. But it doesn’t end there. There’s more tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. And then another week passes by and I feel myself facing the dread of midyear exams and the fact that I’m so left behind. It’s one of the times when time seemed to speed up so very quickly for me I can’t even seem to catch my breath now and then.

If being fifteen and studying in Form Three means never ending torture like this, I don’t know how to continue living my life in peace. I don’t know how you do it, Sasha. This is worse than hell.

`When I Was Younger

I saw my daddy cry, and curse at the wind.

Another day gone and nothing productive is done. What a waste of my life. Finally finished My Sister’s Keeper today, and Sasha, if you’re reading this, I’ll give it back to you ASAP, kay?

Yesterday and today were a torment of endless questions, which answers I could practically spill out with my eyes shut, ears blocked, and tampons up my nose. Okay, no, that was vulgar.

I don’t know why I’m so mean.

I ESS YOU SEE KAY at kawat, so I’ll probably die if I do another stupid mistake. No, Chew Jie, I’m not joget-ing.

Sick, that’s what I am. And cranky, which leads to mean.

/kicks self.