Things I Want My Dog To Know

This post is specially dedicated to Google, though he doesn’t even know what the heck I am writing to him.

Google,

Starting off, I just want to tell you, to plead you, to NOT poo in the house ever again. Please poo outside when Daddy take you for a walk, not inside. You have to learn where the toilet is, and it’s definitely not in the house compound. Do you know how much energy and water that have been wasted because of your actions? Not to mention do you know how putrid your faeces stink? Seriously, we’re all gonna get nasal ailments soon if you don’t cease your actions.

Secondly, and this is very serious, this. Please do not eat your poo. Poos are extremely unhygenic and contains all sorts of, um, dirty stuff. And if you really can’t help yourself, then at least finish up all your poo instead of leaving some leftovers for us to clean up.

Next, DO NOT RIP MY MAGAZINES INTO PIECES. And now, beacuse of you, I am still Galaxie-less, everyday wishing for the postman to come and throw in another issue after I have sent an email to the Customer Care Unit. In fact, do not tear any letters at all. Do you know how close you were to shredding Mum and Dad’s cheques?

And please, don’t jump at people whenever you see them. It scares them off. It scares me off. And why are you always so…enthusiastic? Exuberant? Too active, in fact. You never seem to be able to stay still for more than 2 seconds. It really gives me the creeps.

Lastly, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS. Please BEHAVE. No matter how many times Daddy has whipped you or Mummy has screamed at you, you never seem to behave. To comply with the rules. Whether you like it or not (and I know you definitely don’t), it is fundamental that you BEHAVE. You’re giving us all brain aneurysm, I tell you, if you persist in your outrageous habits.

There’s still a lot to tell you, if it weren’t for the communication barriers between animals and humans, but I sincerely wish you could listen to my pleads.

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Author: Michelle Teoh

23-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

4 thoughts on “Things I Want My Dog To Know”

  1. Google… What a name to give your pet. My pets listen to me because I’m a goood trainer. Want me to train your pets??? Please write a cheque payable to Chew Yi Hong. Thank You. Any amount is acceptable. I trust you to pay what you think is fair. Thank you for your time.

  2. WTH???

    Mr Chew Yi Hong,
    Anyways, I don’t need you to train la..thank you very much. And if I were to pay you ny cheque, the amount would be *ahem* RM 0000000.01. Thank you for your time too.

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