`You With The Sad Eyes

I see your true colours shining through
I see you true colours
And that’s why I love you.

Oh my. What an eventful week. I actually have a notepad to jot down aaaaall the topics I want to cover in this single post. OCD, much? Mmyeah. I’m trying to extract time from my /schedule/ -shifty eyes- filled with writing articles for DP and the Q to write this post, so appreciate it people. X)

Let’s start with…Sunday.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I can’t believe the news today
Oh, I can’t close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long, how long?
Tonight, we can be as one tonight

We had a Kursus Kepimpinan dan Komunikasi on Sunday, and to say I didn’t enjoy it, that’s false, but to say I was satisfied with the results is a lie too. I liked the talk, I’ll admit, but I’ll also confess I was trying all my best to stay awake. That’s a true confession meant for the public, yes. But otherwise, I totally got the whole gist of the talk, so no worries.

How disappointed I am with myself during group sessions. I failed epically I wished -and still do- to drown myself in mud water and leave my corpse afloat. Why can’t I freaking open my mouth and talk more? I want to , but it’s hard, such a stupid habit I’ve had since I don’t know when that I can’t seem to eliminate from my system. Git outta me, friggin shyness.

But well, I guess I had a pretty fun time. Not that I was meant to have fun, I think. Um, well.

Misery Business

I’m in the business of misery
Let’s take it from the top
She’s got a body like an hourglass
That’s ticking like a clock
It’s a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.

Tuesday was freakingly unlucky.

I went home to find out I left my blazer in school, lost my purse, and got an extra scolding from my mother. I was incredibly depressed that night, not bothering to off the lights in my room or cover myself with my blanket, hoping the ghosts I suspected lurking in my room would come out and finish me off. One thing was good that night, that I didn’t get a nightmare, because I had a particularly gruesome one the night before.

Kayso, curious? It went like: a certain student in the same form as I died, and the whole school went to pay respect to her. Somehow, I got lost in the ceremony when everyone headed to her grave. It was a weirdly pleasant day but creepy all the same. Just then, Cikgu Nazimah appeared and led me to her grave…

…and I woke up.

To see the clock hanging on my wall completely beserk. The night before, it was completely normal, but now it showed 6.35 AM.

Which also means I’m late. Which was weird, since my alarm didn’t ring. The atmosphere in my room was seriously scary and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I barged into my parents’ room and it was only…

3.35 AM.

How on Earth could the clock move three hours faster? Slower, I get it, but faster?

Pressure

Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I can’t take it
Tonight I lie awake, feeling empty

I had a complete brain breakdown on Wednesday. I couldn’t even finish my ‘gong liao’ Mandarin essay, even after I had Jia Yee’s essay as a sample. I couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t spurt out a single word, which totally isn’t me.

What’s more, Cikgu Rusli scared the hell out of me that day. Just because I couldn’t answer a single question he fired (yes, fired. Like a missile.) at me, doesn’t give him the right to snigger at me, this I must say. Incredibly humiliated, I was. I wonder why everyone thinks I can do so well, have such extreme expectations of me, when I even doubt myself? Seriously guys, I’m not saintly enough. I am failing. If that doesn’t tell you much about what I am feeling right now, then I don’t know what will.

The Only Exception

And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love if it does not exist

‘The Only Exception’ always reminds me of death. So that’s why the following content is not pretty at all.

Cikgu Sharafuddin’s demise was announced on Thursday, early morning. So there were tears, I’m not gonna elaborate on that, because I’m pretty sure everyone gets the picture of death and it’s consequences. I was never a student of his, and sad to say, my perception was less than pleasant towards the faculty. But as the Muslims had their prayer routine that morning, I sent a silent prayer to God, hoping that Cikgu would have eternal life and bliss wherever he is, and I apologise for any sins I conducted before. My condolences to Maziah, daughter of Cikgu Sharafuddin, even though I am not a particularly close friend. I /can/ imagine how it feels like to lose someone you love so much. It is heart-wrenching.

The same time the announcements were blared all over the school, I was on duty at the Form 6 block. I was having one of my insightful moments then, and wondered about how Alice Sebold wrote about the ‘Inbetween’. The sky was a clear blue that day, so fine a weather it betrayed the news of death. I wondered if souls were floating in the skies right then, the so-called Inbetween, and what it would be like to actually, be, like, dead.

I’ve actually thought about the subject, you know, about death. What if I had died right then? What impact would that have on Earth, the people around me? Well, for starters, the school would have a limbo with the award I got for last year. They would have to cross my name of the list of award winners and um, someone would get their lifelong wish at last. The St. John squad would lose a member. My friends would be devastated, I think, as would I with a friend’s demise. My parents would too. This Acer laptop would be used less often. Chinese New Year would be a scene of sadness. I wouldn’t get my fifteenth year angpau. Nox would lose Zoey and Jez and EH would lose Dylan and Cassy. My Facebook would be filled with commemoration comments. I’d never watch New Moon and Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I’d never get my book published. I’d never get to set foot in Australia. I’d never read The Time Traveller’s Wife. I’d never to all the things I’ve always wanted to. Now that I come to think of it, there’s a lot of things I’ll miss if I die. Sad.

Where The Lines Overlap

Give me attention
I need it now
Too much distance
To measure it out, out loud
Tracing patterns across a personal map
And making pictures where the lines overlap
Where the lines overlap.

I had a couple of weird dreams these three days. I swear, I think something’s influencing me.

Dream #1

Kayso, don’t kill me, but it involves Boo and Des. Like, literally, their characters. It was reallyreallyreally weird, since Des is Chuck Bass and I don’t know, Boo and I went to his house, and then talked (about what?) I was really confused about this dream, since I don’t know what the main purpose of the dream is about, but the ambience then was…creepy…and lustful? LOL. XD

Dream #2 -Part One

Another EH dream. My tooth felt loose that day, so in my dream it completely fell off, but then, it wasn’t me. It was Cassy. I was Cassy. (Cassy is my EH character, who is also Rayne’s cousin.) So, because off the broken tooth, I was disowned from the family. And paired up with Cymon, Rayne’s fiance. I swear, I’ve been eating too much sugar stuff late at night.

Dream #2 -Part Two

This one is slightly scary. Jia Yuan and I were daughters of this mafia family. You know like from those Hong Kong movies where late at night there are streets filled with antique shoplots with signs hung above it, with words written in calligraphy Mandarin? And not only one, there are dozens. We were from one of them. So, one night, I, the mischievous one, stole something (to be honest, they were bottles acting as a trademark for every mafia family that were placed on the roof of each shop. In my dream, they were like signs to show the said family’s status) from our enemy and replaced them with our own. I was happy, because then our status would be higher. But when Yuan found out, she said the enemy would be livid and there would be bloodshed. It pretty much went like this:

Yuan: Are you the one who stole their trademarks?

Me: Um, yes.

Yuan: Are you mad? Things are not going to be good.

And there was this suspension in the air not normally came with eerie music in films to make your hair stand. So, by the time I went back to change the trademarks, the enemy already realised what had gone missing and were sending out groups to our shop. Quickly, I tried to change the bottles back, but then it all ended too soon for me to remember whether I had succeeded or not.

Dream #3

This is one of my favourite dreams of all time. I was dressed up like Taylor Swift from ‘Love Story’ -for prom.

I know, that’s so unbelievable.

But really, I was wearing a gorgeous white gown with a white choker I found on my dresser (?) and my hair was done in a bun. The only thing missing was my shoes. I was wearing my brown slippers (ew!) so I was finding for white heels.

It was so much like a fairytale, and guess who my partner was?

Lucas Scott.

I know, I’m just as un-psyched as you are. I mean, I’ve never even watched One Tree Hill! But since I was ‘The Prom Princess’ and he ‘The Prom Prince’, it only made sense we went to prom together. I know, Prom Princess. I squealed at that.

But then that all ended when the dream changed into some kind of canoe competition where members also had to draw a painting on the canoe from an island to another. Me and my parents. Weird.

Wow, this post is as long as I expected it to, so I’m gonna end now. All lyrics credit to the amazing Paramore. ❤

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Author: Michelle Teoh

23-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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