Open Topic #1

I do apologise for not updating this blog page for so long. I haven’t had the mood to write lately, but I’ve finally decided to drag my lazy arse here to write something to entertain you people. So here goes.

First request:

What would you do if you were stranded on an island with nothing but your Harry Potter books and zombies with book destroying weapons are coming to destroy them ?

Dear lord, you took my example seriously, didn’t you?

Okay since I’m not too sure how to write this out, I’ll just write it as some kind of crazy fiction story.

(If you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, click here.)

Michelle Teoh and the Island of Books-Eating Zombies

Copyright (c) 2009/2010 by Michelle Teoh Zi Yan

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without
the prior written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding
or cover and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent
purchaser.

All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons,
living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I was on an island. How I got there doesn’t matter because it’s the kind of detail you just don’t ask, just like how you don’t ask why Voldemort doesn’t have a nose and exactly when and where in the process of him becoming a bald reptilian human did he lose his nose.

Or maybe, you know, you could just pretend I got here together with the rest of the Lost crew but somehow they miraculously vanished. It just happened, don’t ask.

So I was alone. On an island. And in my hands were seven books I love with my whole fifteen years and five months of life, the Harry Potter series by none other than the queen Joanne Kathleen Rowling. They were there for some reason unbeknownst to us because it was a detail requested in a formstack form, and they were the only items the protagonist (that’s me lol) were allowed to have, apparently.

Suddenly there was movement in the woods and having seen no single trace of a human presence for so long naturally I thought of the wind. Because basically everyone blames the wind whenever these kind of things happen, even though their minds are practically chanting ghost ghost ghost the whole time. But then that wasn’t possible because there was no wind. And then comes the moment for dramatic music, and the apprehensive head turn, and the camera shows a more intimidating shot of the forest, and maybe the audio team could add in thriller tunes, and then suddenly, all is quiet. And I would gulp hard and pant to show my nervousness. And then bam! A dozen or more zombies carrying weapons like scissors, penknives, punch-holes (book destroying weapons, right?) started bounding for me, and it took me a whole minute to realise they were after my books.

With a gut-wrenching shriek I hugged my books to my body and ran, and since there was nothing but the sea and the beach, the only place that could possible offer me shelter and cover is the woods. So basically, I was making a U-turn into the forest again. I mean, zombies aren’t smart at all, aren’t they?

And if you’re wondering what the zombies look like, they look like this:

Wait what?

I mean… Well, they aren’t too far off from the mental image I had in mind.

Anyway, I ran, like I’ve never ran before, and you don’t even know how hard it is to run like a leopard on steroids and holding onto seven fairly thick books at the same time, because you see I cannot simply leave behind my books to become prey to those…ghastly monsters. You cannot imagine my fear of them ripping out pages and burning them and writing “Twilight ftw!” etc on them. No you can’t.

So the first thing that came to mind when I dove into the forest was, I needed to climb on a tree. I did, and waited. And sure enough the zombies swarmed in like bees, and that was when an idea came to mind and I started to break off nearby branches and dropped them on any target I could find. And being zombies, naturally, they dropped unconscious as soon as the branch hit them in the head. This continued three, four times until the nutcases finally realised I was there. By then, a dozen was reduced to about eight of them, which was pretty comforting, if you didn’t count the fact that seven of them would go for the books and the remaining one would go after me, which sounds like a fantastic plan if I were a zombie but naturally they were zombies so you couldn’t exactly expect it from them.

As the started edging towards my tree, I began to climb down hurriedly and took off again. And golly, would you just look at my luck? I just found a lighter on the ground! (Who says this isn’t possible it’s a fiction story I am the mastermind and this devastating tale deserves a happy ending.) I kept it in my pocket for later use, because the books in my arms were starting to feel really heavy. Aware that eight hungry and insane zombies were still hot on my trail, I did the old trick again, which was doing another U-turn, ending up in the woods again. Instead of delving further in, I went sideaways, moving at the edge of the forest, and finally I found a large boulder on the beach which I dove behind immediately to hide. I stopped and strained my ears for any sound of the zombies but none of them approached. Welp. My plan worked after all.

I then decided I needed to find another way to hold my books, and began to search for large leaves, and found one which was also pretty strong. I placed the books in the middle of the leaf and started to bundle them up, tying a knot on top. At least carrying a bundle like this was better than carrying them separately.

All of a sudden, a terrible gargling noise told me the zombies had returned. I stood up and backed up against the boulder. I picked up a broken branch on the ground near my feet and lit it with the lighter, the only weapon I could come up with. Sure enough, they bounded towards my hiding spot, and as soon as the first one passed me by, I threw the flaming stick towards them, and one of them caught fire immediately. Let me tell you something though, throwing a small flaming stick towards a group of eight zombies proved to be more effective than you think, because once one of them starts to panic and go beserk, naturally the ones near to him catch fire too. Not to mention the ones who ran into the flaming person, because they didn’t stop in time. In the end, five of them caught fire and I considered them off my list. The other three were the last ones in the race, pausing in their tracks at the wild scene before them. I took my chance and dashed away again, this time a plan forming in my mind. I headed for the sea, careful not to get my books wet. As predicted, the remaining zombies came after me, and at a rash and foolishly brave attempt, I soaked my hand in seawater and splashed a good amount of it in the first zombie’s eyes. If you have never gotten salt in your eyes you wouldn’t know the pain. I left the first one writhing (since he was losing his bearings and starting to wade deeper into the sea) and upon impulse, I fished for the lighter in my pocket again, opened it and threw it at the second zombie. He caught fire, and wasn’t smart enough to put it out with water surrounding him, apparently. And how did I get rid of the last zombie? Well, Jack Sparrow seems to be doing me a favour, because right at that moment, a sea turtle swam past me, and I quickly grabbed it and hurled it at the zombie, which hit him right on his head where he fell into the sea, knocked out.

THERE. I HAD WON. I DEFEATED A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES AND SAVED MY HARRY POTTER BOOKS.

I could say I got off the island the same way Jack Sparrow did too, by sea turtles, but then that would sound like I was copying the idea off Gore Verbinski. So I can assume I got it off safely anyway, by ship, helicopter, broom, Hagrid’s motorbike we’ll never know, because it’s not supposed to be part of the story, just like how you never question how I ended up in that place in the first place.

So this is the adventures of the brave and mildly insane Michelle Teoh, brought to you by none other than Michelle Teoh herself. As you can see, this story is merely a fabrication of fantasy and a wild desperation to please whoever dropped that request in the formstack form. Attn person who suggested this topic, are you happy now?