Open Topic #2

Second request:

hey michelle, just to give u ideas here. you know your blog posts in the past, you say were a better person, before u became rebellious. how were u better than, not that i’m saying ur bad now. I just want to know what was it then that made u felt like a better person than you are currently.

aifa

This would be the perfect moment for a trip down the memory lane. I think I’ll just show you what I mean by linking blog posts, since this blog pretty much sustains my life.

I created this blog in around mid-July 2008, when I was thirteen. You really must understand I was a tween with absolutely no worries then, except maybe my fears of being alone in a new school. But still, I got over that quick enough. I was thirteen, and happy. I wrote about anything and everything, even though it was a new blog and barely got any views. Still, I wrote. I wrote about issues that I don’t think I even know and fully understand back then, probably just to sound more matured and experienced than I really am. I wrote about daily activities in a carefree and casually manner, at least, that’s what I think. I learned to appreciate everything around me, and looked at everything positively. Even one of my most terrible experiences ended with a happy note (and was actually written in a positive manner too).

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write like that again. In fact, my weird obsessions (with Disney, truthfully) made me want to stay away from the 2008 archive, forever.

In 2009, I was still a very contented and happy person, although I started having horrible moments. Even then, just like one of the ’08 posts, the ending was optimistic. I still looked at things through a positive point of view. I realised life was still awesome and everything was going well for me, and I didn’t have many reasons to be unhappy. I enjoyed everything I did, every trip I went, and even horrid days couldn’t really bring me down. I was still running well on my self-fueled optimism. I thought less of what people think of me and did whatever I wanted to, even though it might seem silly sometimes. I guess I felt a little pressured during the end of the year (forget who that post was directed to, I was just pretty much indicating the style of writing), but still, December 2009 ended on a rather happy note too.

Something must have happened between Dec ’09 and the start of 2010, because January 2010 was full of pressured posts. Not too surprisingly, I guess, since it’s the year of PMR. But  I still had optimism. I wanted to show the world I was still the same person I was before, only a tad bit wiser. These two posts show how much I’ve changed in my writing style since last year. I enjoyed myself thoroughly by writing long posts like this, and somehow also by writing pointless posts like this.

My first truly “down” post was in April, and carried on until May. Something must have happened to me, because sometime around the middle of the year, I started to have break downs, be moody wherever I go, and worry too much. Maybe it’s because of the pressure of the looming date of PMR, or maybe something snapped in me and I lost my optimism completely. People change, I changed, the people around me changed, and I think puberty also had something to do with this. June, July and August were some of the worst months, for some inexplicable reason. I just remembered feeling snarky and moody all the time, feeling so alone and really, really self-conscious. I started to become a pessimist. I saw everything differently, in a darker way. I got sad and disappointed easily, and I was scared of facing people. I hardly even posted on here, scared of what people might think of me, until I thought, bother, writing was probably one of the few things keeping me sane, and I started to pour everything out.

September, I got better. I realised I had friends and family who were always there for me. I got back some of my optimism. This October post proved it. As PMR ended, I felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders, and I couldn’t possibly feel sad anymore, could I? I knew I couldn’t possibly be the happy, optimistic little pixie I was back then either, but maybe that’s how growing up is supposed to be. Shedding our old skin, our old habits, and even our old memories, and accepting what the future throws at you. Modesty aside, I feel as if I’ve become more matured. To be honest, I believe the old me, the one who could even write a post like this, would never have believed me even if I myself told her how I was going to turn out. How I would actually feel so down most of the time. And it’s also safe to say the current me, the person who is currently sitting behind this laptop typing this post, will never remember how the old me thinks, what was going on in her mind, how innocent and happy-go-lucky I used to be.  I guess that is part of growing up. And it’s a shame. It’s like leaving a really, really good friend behind, because you have to, because it’s the only way you yourself can move on and grow up and learn.

I don’t know if this post answers your question, Aifa. You wanted to know why I think the old me was a better person than I am right now. Innocence and naivety always makes someone a better person, albeit inexperienced and childish, in my opinion. I was a better person back then because I knew how to be happy and enjoy myself as who I am. But I’m learning how the world is really like, and that’s what makes growing up much more intriguing, instead of being stuck in my own little happy universe.

I think I’m starting to contradict myself. Staying up does that to you. Anyway, I don’t expect anyone to go through all those links, but if you do, thank you. You probably know more about me right now than you’ve ever had, and that’s quite a comforting thought.

PS. Perhaps you’ve already noticed the snow and glitter text! Festivity is in the air!