So This Is Earth…

Challenge accepted!

Dear Hairy,

Thank you for your wonderful letter. It got stuck in my chicken’s intestines, but I got Mum to fish it out of his throat so it’s all good. Other than a greenish tinge to it, your letter has made its way to Stone and into my paws safely.

I still find it ridiculous that you found my address in the latest issue of the National Geographic magazine! For some reason, one of your kind probably floated into outer space and brought along an issue with him for reference because what I found was this:

My chicken was about to digest it but luckily I rescued it. Out of curiosity I flipped through it and it was pretty interesting, although there really isn’t anyone on Mars. Believe me. It’s like the most boring place ever. Anyway, I submitted my address to the magazine because I thought it would be amazing if one of you actually wrote a letter to me, and you did! Asdfghjkl, Hairy! (That’s ‘awesome’ in our native dialect, in case you didn’t know.)

To answer your very first question in your letter, yes I am indeed a real, genuine alien. Prove it?

First off, I live on a planet called Stone. It’s very difficult to pinpoint the exact location of Stone (we have a very paranoid King, you see) so let’s just say it’s a very tiny and obscure planet in between Saturn and Uranus, and takes the shape of a stone. Stone, stone. Get it?

My family and I live in a small hut near the edge of the planet. It’s a dangerous place to live, since any of us can fall off at any moment, but the scenery is worth it, besides the illegal bungee jumps my chicken and I love to try whenever my parents aren’t at home. So far, I have chicken #492 with me now. Let’s hope this one doesn’t fall off so easily like the other 491 chickens did.

I go to school every morning, and one of the reason Stone still survives is because of our “awesome” school system, or so people say. I go to Spanking School, one of the elite schools on the planet, and I don’t find anything awesome about our schools, or it’s probably just my school. I blame my teacher for my hatred for school:

I don’t know about anyone else, but he is always just…barking mad. Nutty. Squirrel-fied.

I also don’t have any friends…except for my chicken. I don’t know, I guess other Stoners just don’t like me.

But Chicken #492 has proved to be a very faithful companion so far.

We don’t eat much here, since almost everything is edible, food just sickens us. I mean, Chicken is edible! But he probably tastes horrible. Our hut is edible as well. You can dig up the soil here and eat it raw, it isn’t exactly an A+ dish, but it sure fills your stomach and is better than nothing. However, one of our famous Stoner specialties is definitely this:

Do you guys have this back at your planet? If you don’t, you guys are really missing out on A LOT.

The meat in itself is fantastic, add in some light bulbs and it is just pure bliss. Have you ever tasted light? Because if you have, everything else naturally tastes dull and bland. It’s like consuming energy in itself, and for me, it isn’t the “awesome” school system that keeps Stone running as it is, it’s this light energy fuel we run on on a daily basis.

So, Hairy, do I sound alien enough to you?

I could talk more about how wonderful Stone is, but then this letter would stretch on for too long and I’m not sure whether homo sapiens like you would enjoy stuffs that demand your attention for too long.

Before I sign off with a pretty photo of myself, I just remembered of an incident that happened just last week that involved a creature of your species. The Chief Stoner found a homo sapien wandering in his backyard and captured it! We’re not sure what he did with it, but there were photos circulating the Interstone (similar to what you people call the ‘Internet’…what a weird name, indeed) and I thought maybe you were interested to know of this incident. This is one of the photos I managed to find on the ‘Stone’:

…yeah, apparently people are saying that it ran off by itself (since the Chief forgot to tie its limbs…silly stoned Chief) and many believe that it’s probably jumped off the planet and is currently floating in midspace. I don’t know if you know who it is…but if you do, my condolences. Perhaps it would make you feel better to know that its last words were “I WANT PIZZA!” Hence, I am pretty sure it left this universe a happy, contented being.

Wow, putting my life into this letter sure sounds boring, doesn’t it? I would love to hear from YOU, what is Earth like and what you homo sapiens do with your lives etc etc. And now, Chicken is starting to get hungry and I must not let him have the last serving of bulbcon!

Lkjhgfdsa, Hairy! (That’s ‘goodbye’ in our native dialect, in case you didn’t know.)

Cheesily yours,


PS. Would you like to hear me sing?

Published by

Michelle Teoh

26-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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