If I Were A Dude

Challenge #2 accepted!

If I were a raging, hormonal dude, my life would mostly consist of playing video games, snacking on leftovers from the fridge, chips bought from the nearby 7-Eleven store, hanging with the bros, drinking with the bros, calling people “bros”, brofisting, and all sorts of dude stuff that the female species will never comprehend.

As a kid, I’ll always be with my toy guns,  toy soldiers, and when I get bored of them I’ll go pull my sister’s Barbie doll’s hair until she cries. When I go to school, I’ll join the soccer team, roll around in the mud, turn a deaf ear when my mum yells at me for dripping mud all over the mopped floor.

When I’m a teenager, I’ll start wearing all sorts of wacky clothing with equally wacky hairstyles and call them “my style”. I’ll spend most of time in my room, wasting time on the Internet, snacking on that box of leftover pizza under my bed. Being socially awkward, I’ll probably have very little friends and get called “loser” whenever I go out, but I know the Internet is my best friend. I’ll probably have a dog and call it Tri after ‘triangle’ because it sounds hipster. My teenage life would be a very confusing and complicated one, and I would be glad to finally graduate and get out of that hellhole.

Okay, this is starting to sound like a typical American teenage movie.

When I grow up, get a job and get married and have kids, all I’ll do is work and work and start my day with coffee and a newspaper in hand and kiss my kids before they go to school. This cycle will then go on as a daily routine, bland and boring, besides those weekly football game watches with my other paunched and obese friends with fast receding hairlines not unlike mine. Then there will be a day when I come home, and find the house in neat order, the children asleep, my clothes washed, a supper for me on the table, and wonder how women do it. How women have to go through so much, such as giving birth, having menstrual cycles every month, besides going through the trouble of making themselves look good whenever they go out by spending hours making up, doing their hair, step out of the house wearing scarily high heels and extremely uncomfortable skirts. Those are pretty much a must for women nowadays. Add to that having to be the housewife at home as well, cleaning the dishes, feeding the kids, washing the laundry, mopping the floor, changing the bedsheets…my own personal maid at home.

So then I would stop to think, that compared to my mundane life that just passed in the blink of an eye without much achievements, a woman’s life would cost so much more.

Therefore, I would come to the conclusion that: women rock.

*

It is currently 1.03AM, so I apologise for sounding sucky and incoherent. This post started off with much vehemence, then as the night progressed, I was practically rambling the whole way through. I also probably sounded really sexist. 😐 But this is just me, as a member of the male species, not men in general. So yeah. Don’t mean to create controversy or anything. Right, I should probably go now before I embarrass myself even more.

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Author: Michelle Teoh

23-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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