NOW PLAYING: AUGUST 28TH 3:30AM- AUTOMATIC LOVELETTER Reveries of helplessness, Have left me all but hoping.
Prelusive warning: If you reckon some of the things I write don’t make sense, kindly ignore. These are the past-midnight ramblings of the restless.
Have you ever wondered if I were a thief? A thief that appeared in your life, and would soon disappear just as suddenly, stealing everything we’ve ever had together. That one day I would be gone from your lives altogether, a fugitive.
No, I’m not a thief, but I’ve wondered if there were any in my life. You’re probably thinking that I’m going crazy and that I don’t make sense at all and if that’s so, don’t worry, I think I kind of agree with you. I don’t know why those thoughts appeared in my mind, they just did. Sometimes I would wonder if (strictly no names at this hour! Who knows whose name I might spill…) A would just pack up and leave without warning, and I would just be left with empty regrets, regrets over what was now gone. Or maybe B would have a sudden change of heart, and whatever relationship we had would be sacrificed; or C would just leave the world, forever, just like that, and all these regretful moments would accumulate in an empty spot in my heart and soon it will grow like a tumour, until I finally succumb to the pain and ache of it all.
That’s it. I’m afraid of people leaving. Sometimes, I think of the future, and I think of the crossroads I would have to take, and also the inevitable, morbid phone calls that announce nothing but bad news, and then I think of…nothing. Of how we eventually fade to nothing. Sometimes you think your heart can’t ache anymore but it can. Sometimes you weep over the mere thought of unfortunate events and then you weep even more over the realisation of the pain that must inflict on you when said events eventually happen in the future. Because there is no way out, no fire exit, no Plan B, no second chance. What will come will come and you would just have to welcome them even if you have your arms folded.
I’m just afraid of people leaving. They always never fail to leave gaping holes in my heart, holes that are impossible to mend. I hope for the day when I focus more on my blessings than on my losses.
michelle teoh 