Never Conquered, Rarely Came

“Why isn’t this a post about your internship?” Come back tomorrow (or the day after tomorrow) to find out the answer.

After working at newsdesk for almost two weeks now, I have learned to get straight to the point at the very beginning of an article (or in this case, blogpost) so let me get straight to the point:

I miss home.

I miss Mum and Dad, my friends, my dogs, my books, my room and just everything about my pre-internship life. Oftentimes, especially at night, I am overwhelmed by sudden waves of homesickness when thoughts of home -which I try very hard to suppress each and every day- resurface in my mind, having succeeded in breaking through the weak foundations of my mind, attacking me at my most vulnerable. I suppress them because whenever they appear, I lose the ability to do anything except moan and mope over situations which I am not in, people who I cannot meet or talk to, things I cannot do or have. That is very weak of me, I know, since it’s only been, what? Less than two weeks since I came here? And it’s not even as if I’m staying alone or hating my job or being away for a long period of time. No, I stay with two relatives of mine (and I have two more relatives who come over to visit every weekend; it’s like a mini family reunion every Saturday and Sunday over here), I love my awesome job and I’m only here for a month. But these thoughts are weak when faced with bouts of hopelessness as I wander around the house alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Things just aren’t the same here compared to home. Things are much…lonelier and quieter, and while this might seem a-okay for the first few days, it gets tiresome and even revolting by the first week. Normally, when I feel sad at home, I have many things or people or pets to fall back on: I have my parents, my dogs, my shelves of books, my movies, my bed (not that I don’t have a bed here but it just isn’t the same okay) and just the mere thought of being at home to comfort myself when things get out of hand. Here, I only have the Internet and occasionally books but in the end it just boils down to one thing: it just isn’t the same.

That is the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard but I’m not as strong and independent as I want to be. Yes, I know nothing in the world is ever the same as home, and life is never fair, and we all have to adapt to changes when we grow up and step into the huge, daunting, adult world but I’m…unprepared. I always use the reason “I have a year to go, let me prepare myself for Life with the capital L during that one year” but I know it’s not really true. I’ll never be prepared, just like how most parents are also never prepared to let their kids go. But I’m trying, you know. I’m trying really, really hard. Trying never hurts, does it?

I miss Alor Setar and everyone in Alor Setar. Don’t do awesome things before I come back. Wait for me.