A Post About Stuff and…dsjadhslkjflskdjfsa

An excerpt from The Start of Something New:

Dear post-internship Michelle, as you reread this (I know you will, because you [or rather, we because we’re actually the same person obviously] are extreme narcissists), I hope you had a fantastic time at Menara Star and that you did not regret a single thing. I hope you learned a thing or two to make your life infinitely better than it is right now. I also hope you do not come back with a “big city mentality”, as I like to call it, because who knows what a city as huge as Kuala Lumpur is able to do to you? Remember your roots. (I am beginning to sound like a Disney movie now, aren’t I?) And if you didn’t enjoy your time there (though I hugely doubt so), remember that you have a knack of finding certain joys in life from the littlest things, so don’t mope over what’s over and start…preparing for your Form 5 life.

Dear pre-internship Michelle, you’re right! I did go back through all my pre-internship blogposts just to see how much I’ve changed!

I just rewatched Charlie McDonnell’s Time Travel video again and I wish I could’ve time travelled to where you are at the current moment (tenses might not be accurate where time travelling is concerned…confusing business, this is) to tell you that you have nothing to worry about. Well, not exactly nothing, but in retrospect, you really were worrying too much.

Your hopes also came true: I did have a fantastic time. Safe to say, this is the best month I’ve ever had, despite the fact that yes, I was pretty much still an awkward and homesick kid the first two weeks I was here but you know how confusing and brain-meddling the world can be when it comes to regrets and memories. The best moments are always the last few moments you have, right before realising that the wonderful time you are having is coming to an end.

Yes, I would say my life has changed for the better. I (officially) have a true family whom I love very much. I have made new friends who are some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met (I realise I’ve said this before in my previous post…WHO CARES, THEIR AWESOMENESS SHOULD BE EMPHASISED ALWAYS) and been to places where I’ve never thought I would set foot on in a million years. It’s like Tweens Camp and MCYDS all over again, except perhaps accelerated in intensity because it’s a month we’re talking about here, not a three days or a week.

As for having a “big city mentality”…well, I don’t think so. I mean, I just asked my aunt for RM 20 for shopping today and she stared at me weirdly before shoving RM 100 into my hands, saying that there’s nothing you can buy in KL with 20 bucks. About human relationships though, I can’t judge yet because I haven’t met anyone from Alor Setar yet. So…yeah.

With that over and done, let me tell you a little about the turning out of my post-internship depression today.

I woke up this morning at 7.30 (it’s becoming a habit) wishing desperately that I could get up and go to work. Predictably, flashbacks started to appear in my head and it was too much for me to bear so, despite being quite awake, I pulled my covers over my head and willed myself to shut everything up and just go back to sleep and not think anymore. Somewhere in there was a crazy moment when I just wanted to roll from the bed onto the floor to stop thinking.

I even dreamt about Ellora and Min Hui in two separate dreams. In the first dream, Ellora and I went to this parade event in town (said town looked like classical London) where I got myself a stalker so I had to stay in a hotel for a night to get rid of him. In the second dream, I met Min Hui three times at the same mall and I remembered thinking to myself, this is coincidental…or IS IT?

The depression could’ve gone on longer but thank God I had plans for the day. I had a meetup with Farhanah and Sarah at 1 PM so I had to force myself out of bed by 11 AM to get ready.

Numero uno: Me and Farhanah; numero dos: Me and Sarah.

By the way, I had a fantastic time. We caught up during lunch at Food Republic and watched Arthur Christmas at GSC. But leaving was once again, reminiscent of all my post-event depressions and that was when I realised that most of my depressions revolve around the acknowledgement that I won’t be seeing these wonderful people ever again. So that’s it then, the core of my problem which I undoubtedly need to learn to face.

I would also like to clarify something in this post. Min Hui once asked me why I was so quiet on the Starstruck! 40 group wall all the time throughout the year, and I think I owe you Starstruck! guys an explanation of sorts.

At the beginning of the year, when I first found out I was selected as a Starstruck! writer, I made a decision: I was going to be the extroverted one this time around. So I started being active on all the topic threads, created a new thread to suggest names for Team B (Le Shea reminded me of this fact when she told me that I was the first Starstruck! person she spoke to on Facebook) and just…be as chatty and talkative as possible. At first it worked, but (I’m admitting something I’m disgusted of) I get bored easily and somewhere in March/April, I got busy with both curricular and co-curricular activities so my concentration shifted away from Starstruck. Hence, during the times when I frequented the group wall, I found you guys talking about stuff I don’t understand, and I realised that most (if not all) of you were already really close friends so I felt out of place and didn’t want to seem as if I was too desperate and started barging in or anything so I kept silent. Another reason why I kept to myself was sometimes, the assignments I sent in were done quite carelessly (especially when I was running out of time) and in a way, I felt guilty and didn’t want to visit the group wall out of guilt. So, yes. I also realise I might have come off as proud or arrogant that way, and I apologise. I really regret not spending more time with you guys because now, the time we’ve spent together just isn’t enough. I wished I was wise enough to realise that earlier on, but I’m foolishly ignorant most of the time so in your face, Michelle.

But to keep the optimism running, I promise not to dwell on the negative parts and rather relish the amazing moments we had together. You are all wonderful people and thank you for the joy you’ve brought into my life.

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Michelle Teoh

26-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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