You want me to be honest? Life isn’t a good “person”. It constantly gives me the illusion that it is but if you really look at it closely, it is far from it. Everyday, I draw imaginary schedules in my brain, organising everything into order with a sense of optimism but life never follows aforementioned schedule. It runs all over the place causing a stampede, leaving me to clean up the mess, a broken doll by the end of the day. The next day, the cycle starts again and the optimistic-despair loop repeats itself throughout my whole life.
You want me to be honest? I don’t understand why feelings and emotions exist. Feelings like sorrow, jealousy, hatred and even joy. Why does listening to a certain song or overhearing a backstab plan evoke such strong feelings? Why do they need to exist and turn us into monsters? Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be soulless, unemotional creatures? Everything would go smoothly without our feelings getting in the way.
You want me to be honest? I am getting really, really fed up with school. Not just the schoolwork, exams and pressure, but also the people. Being in school is draining, but believe it or not, I put on happy facades to appease everyone. But I’m tired of being “the good one”. I’m getting sick and tired of people pushing me around, treating me like a dispensable utility. Sometimes, I want to punish them for the wounds they’d inflicted but I never do because I’m “the good one”. It’s worse than being isolated and alone, and I can’t call anyone a friend anymore. I’d like to say none of my issues with people are actually personal but no, most of them are personal and I know c’est la vie but foutre la vie.
You want me to be honest? We’re all stupid studying. We don’t know what we’re studying and that frustrates me to no end. In the span of a week, I’ve learned more watching scientific videos on Youtube compared to a year of facing blackboards and textbooks and notes in classes and tuitions. It’s as if what we’re studying has nothing to do with every little thing around us when in actual fact, it does. When you stop to realise it, things get so much clearer but in Malaysia, we’re not trained to think like that, and it frustrates me.
You want me to be honest? These things don’t matter. No one cares. Life goes on.