Heyday

I have felt perfection.

Chuck Palahniuk said, “A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection,” and I have felt that moment.

I’ve felt it in all the great achievements and possessions I have: a loving family, good grades, various crowds of friends, two whole shelves of books, a standard list of skills and abilities, sanity. But lately, everything that has been in balance has started feeling fragile. Like I was on top of a pinnacle, bound to fall any moment, the end of my heyday. Everything that was in line -family, relationships, skills, grades, health (both physically and mentally)- all felt like they were in danger of toppling down the hill I have been climbing my whole life.

Is it possible? To gain so much and lose all of them in one go- in one second? I wake up everyday, expecting something unfortunate. Death. Failure. What if I wake up and lose the ability to speak? To write? What if I wake up a different hijacked person? What if I don’t, at all?

Sadness frequents my life more and more often now. I know this is sadness because I feel that there is no one. Some bouts leave me nauseous, as if everything is slipping out of control, as if I could fall down at any moment and never get up.

Like a knot that can never be undone.