Late night blogging again. I still remember my secondary school days when I would stay up till 2AM to write about emotions and feelings that were only experienced at that time of night.
I think I’m doing the same thing again.
I’m home now, properly home, although it will only be like that for a day until I get whisked off away again to a three-day Thai cruise trip. Prior to this, I only just came back from a six-day class trip, majority of which was spent at Penang with my classmates. It was great and all kinds of amazing and I left the island and the people of the trip with hugely conflicting emotions.
On one hand, it’s amazing to be able to share infinite moments with people you like, but on the other you are also constantly reminded of your own flaws as you compare yourself with everyone around you who are infinitely more talented than you are. This feeling is followed by guilt, the guilt of comparing yourself with your friends because you don’t want any animosity or hidden feelings between your friends and yourself; yet you can’t help it. The persistence of feeling inadequate almost your whole life has led yourself to believe you are less worthy of these people’s company, and then you start to wonder how they do it so effortlessly. Is it the way they dress? The way they talk? The way they laugh at people’s jokes or don’t? And slowly your actions start to mirror their actions, they way you talk, they way you walk, but still it doesn’t work for you. And why don’t these people that you like so much like you back the same way? And you’re left wondering what exactly it is about you that repel so many people away even upon first impression.
All these shebang, when all you want is just a friend whose actions and/or words you don’t have to second guess all the time and figure out the presence or absence of an ulterior meaning.
Overanalysing too many details is not very nice, but the more I push it away, the more I’m reminded of having to do it out of habit.
Heightened emotions, man. Who invented them.