Month: August 2014

 

The last time I wrote a post that wasn’t about an event/feelings/some kind of obligatory post about something obligatory was probably last year. That’s a bit. Sad. I looked back on my posts and there is a certain detached feeling to all of them.

Which speaks volumes about how afraid I am to write here. There are so many opinions I have about ~radical and ~controversial issues which, if I wrote here, would be read by quite a number of people that I actually know and talk face to face to in real life. And that is nothing if not awfully frightening. I don’t know. Baby steps. Fear is a crippling beast.

I realise now why I actually do only write about things that people/ask.fm anons ask me to write about. Because if it’s not requested by other people, how dare I write about stuff that no one demands to know about. Who cares how your day went. Who cares how you feel about a certain something. It’s foolish and pathetic how low I’ve stooped, conforming myself to societal pressure. As if the only validation I need is validation from other people apart from myself. I am a fantastic agony aunt to anons on ask.fm (“Who cares what other people think only you decide how to live your own life!!!”) but I should perhaps take some of my own advice that I spew out on the Internet. Talked the walk, so now walk the talk. Or something like that.

It’s almost 10PM and I am so worn out to the extent that these words on my laptop screen are so blurred and I’ve already forgotten what I wrote about in the last three paragraphs (good job mathematical senses still intact in the face of fatigue) but I guess this is truly a post in real-time so I’m going to write this post with the assumption that people actually want to know what’s happening in my life. There’s that other-people-validation thing again.

I am currently in my third semester of A Levels in Sunway College and I will be sitting for my A2 exams in October-November. Mock exams are in 1.4 weeks and then I get to go home one last time for a week before I’ll be coming back here, finishing off my exams and university applications and human adult responsibilities before I finally leave this place for good. On one hand, it would be a relief once A Levels are over but on the other, I don’t think I will ever be prepared to leave this place. And by this place I don’t actually mean the literal accommodation of SMR and also Sunway and away from home in general, but rather the routines I’ve grown accustomed to, the second family that are my friends and the memories we’ve made here. It’s only been a year, but it feels like the longest ass year I’ve ever been through.

I’m also doing a lot of f*ckiminmy20s-inspired (what do you call them) infographics/drawings/texts???

In the world’s comprehensive list of ridiculous things to do, this probably doesn’t even make the cut on the draft list. But it’s the most bizarre thing I’ve done, which says a lot about my life considering the most interesting I’ve done prior to this is wake up at 3AM to watch the Olympics. Haha. Laugh at my life.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when thoughts about results day tomorrow started to overwhelm me, perhaps it was an accumulation of nerves over the weekend, perhaps I saw/heard something that reminded me of what was happening tomorrow. Whatever it was, it’s not surprising at all that results day was the only thing I could think of the entire day in school. During lunchtime, I swapped my carbonara for Taliza’s fried rice because I thought the cream was making me feel sick but in the end I realise food in general was making me feel sick.

And then I came back to SMR and figured the only physical object that could make me happy right then was ice cream so I went down to 7-11 to buy a Cornetto and like the pretentious idiot I am, sat by the pool staring into the distance watching a shirtless white dude type away on his phone. And then I texted Bellyn asking if she wanted ice cream as well and when she came down she said, “Jump into the pool” and I said, “What” and then the “What” slowly became an “Okay, why not” and I was in disbelief of what I was about to do because as I mentioned, I’d never jumped into a pool fully clothed and unplanned before. And there were also people in Lunchbox. And I was jumping into this pool. For real. What.

The moment right before I hit the water surface was a burst of clarity. The entire thing, honestly, the rush of adrenaline, the exhilaration of spontaneity, the just-doing and not-thinking. I didn’t realise how fogged and clogged up my brain was over worrying the entire day, and I seriously don’t know how this works, I seriously don’t know how the mind works or how circumstances of life in general work, but I felt a lot lighter after emerging from the pool (metaphorically, of course, because wet clothes are pretty darn heavy). If I were to use an analogy, it’d be like being trapped in snow globe, and the walls of the snow globe are filled with clouded moss so you can’t look out of the globe. And then as you jump into the pool, the snow globe gives a little shake, and the mosses dislocate from the walls and fall as accumulated sediments onto the ground, still there, but at least not preventing light from penetrating through the glass walls. Kind of like eutrophication.

Thank you, Bellyn. And yes, I agree, the world is pretty amazing.

Post-scriptum: Good luck to everyone getting their A-Levels results tomorrow!