it’s been a while.
i thought about this, okay – the past is good. i mostly only remember great things from the past when i reminisce (strictly only when reminiscing and not, like, remembering things that made me feel scared) and it’s like reading a really nice storybook except it’s my own story so of course that makes it 600% better. i feel like past me is always an idealized version of current me. oh, i was smarter, friendlier, less worried, prettier, thinner etc than i am now; i could go on but that’s not the point. the point is the past is nice. but it’s unreachable.
now, the future. the future is actually pretty good, too, for something that doesn’t exist yet. the idea of the future is yet another idealized version of myself, albeit a different kind of idealization – it’s one where i picture myself to be the person i want to be in many ways that i have not been in the past; yes, smarter, friendlier, less worried, prettier, thinner etc but better and transcending more boundaries (barriers? i don’t know really, it’s 1am) that i’ve never crossed before. the future is my dreams, basically. i’m sure everyone can relate to this. we all want to be the best we can, and we don’t always look at our current selves for that. is it unreachable? eh, not as unreachable as the past, but it can feel that way a lot of the times and that can leave anyone feeling hollow for five hundred years.
but the present! talking about these three cosmic stages reminds me of that kung fu panda quote (i’m sure someone else more well-known probably said it prior to kung fu panda but i’ve only ever heard it from kung fu panda i need to stop typing out the words kung fu panda it’s very disorientating) that goes “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that’s why it’s called the present” (when i first heard that on the television i just went OH HO OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GOOD WELL DONE) but how true is that? we – okay, never mind, i can’t speak on behalf of anyone else, really – i never really know when to appreciate a moment until it’s gone and archived a few months later. i mean i do that, sometimes, i did that a lot when i came home for a week and wanted to drink in as much of home as possible before going back to sunway, and also during the few months leading up to the end of a levels wherein i consciously absorb every detail of my friends and surroundings, but most of the time i don’t even know how good the moment is until say, four months later when i’m lying on my bed listening to soundcloud music and suddenly thinking, oh man, we never really do anything productive at the atrium garden (under the false guise of “studying”) but they were actually really relaxed hangout moments that i would love to relive again. back then in the atrium garden i didn’t think that was a gift (that’s why it’s called the present)???
so, how does that work really? i don’t know. mostly nowadays i feel like i’m sandwiched in the middle of Past and Future. it’s not entirely unpleasant. i’m just ridiculously bored that the most dominant thought in my head for the day can be that i hate the extra layer of bunched up skin behind my neck when i tilt my head back and feeling like i have something redundant hanging from my chin from gaining weight.
but i believe in a Future, and i suppose that’s good enough. meanwhile, this blog has been overridden with filler posts like this one. but it’s okay. no one has to read this. in fact, if you’re still reading this, have a link to a new vlog i just uploaded before i share out on any other social media. if you don’t want to watch it that’s fine, too. but i’m pretty happy with this one.
i’ll come back with better written content soon, i promise. hopefully. i have an idea journal now. the pressure is real. (i’m jk)
michelle teoh 