My last meal in Subang was Jibby & Co and my first meal back in Subang after four months was Jibby & Co again. It was a great reunion; it felt like a settlement into the familiar rhythms and paces between each other, or in colloquial terms, “picking up where we left off”. It felt as if the past four months were just dreams and it’s easy to trick myself into thinking I’m back in the A-Levels routines again.
This is going to sound corny as shit but I felt like a different person as soon as I left my house here in Alor Setar. My mindset, fears, judgements etc were different; it was like returning into a pre-moulded template of myself when I was still studying in Sunway. I went from feeling afraid to leave the house to sleeping over at a stranger’s house and flying back home alone. I don’t know where that came from, but it’s a nice reminder that I’m not permanently handicapped by my fears.
You don’t really realise a moment’s over until it’s over and all you have left to hold onto are vague memories which you didn’t pay 100% brain power and attention to at that time because you were taking it for granted, and you were chasing after the next thing to do with your friends; where to next? what to eat next? And you are caught up in the whirlwind of activities and you are relishing and indulging in them, but when you go home and you settle into the same sofa crease scrolling through Tumblr again like you’ve done so for the past four months, you wonder if what happened really happened?
It did, oh God it did, and it was all I could do to repress my excessive analyses of memories at night so I can shut down enough to go to sleep.
I feel like if I don’t go through everything multiple times a day, though, they will fade away before I can remember enough details of what happened and the interactions I had with my friends and updating my mental database with it. And sometimes it’s not like I can help it because it’s already such an ingrained habit.
I love my friends and I’m so thankful for everything they do and making me feel like I can be part of something. I’m still trying to grasp a firm hold onto my existence in this world and what that means, and I’m glad there are people who are willing to be my friends so I don’t feel so alone in this vast world frequently punctuated with hopelessness.