still here

I’m a bit disgusted at myself. No, that’s rather an understatement. I am truly super horribly disappointed in myself for the lack of productivity I’ve shown (or not shown) for the past month as is evident from the meagre one post in April on this blog. Well, to be fair, I’ve not done anything outstanding since coming home from KL. Perhaps my most impressive achievements for the following weeks were finishing three seasons of anime and 80 chapters of manga. Besides having recurring nightmares of the same theme for a week (and the KL trip), the month of April passed by rather uneventfully.

And now it’s May. It’s been six months since leaving Sunway and another four months until I’ll be flying to UK for three years holy shit do I even know what I’m doing? It still doesn’t feel real yet, but that’s probably due to the fact that I haven’t even firmed my choice. Manchester gave me my unconditional offer two days ago, but despite phone calls to JPA and everything, I still feel rather unsafe with no black & white proof that Manchester is a sponsored university so a trip to Putrajaya is needed to make sure I don’t get a surprise rejection from JPA once I start with the scholarship application.

If everything goes well, I will be heading to University of Manchester this September. I’ve booked my accommodation and decided on the need for a bus pass or not and even found a decent place to move in during my second year. And yet it still feels like I’m playing a virtual game. Ya my character got into uni, I also got her a place to stay which is within walking distance to her uni, and she’s going to cook her meals so she doesn’t go broke etc. Somehow the prospect of “leaving home” has not quite hit me yet. I’m still waiting for it to deliver its blow, because right now I’m more excited than scared, and something’s not quite right there. Not that I’m not supposed to feel excited, but I’ve had nightmares of already being alone in a foreign country and waking up in the middle of the night tremendously relieved than I was still sleeping in my own bed in my own house, and judging by my history of fears, my fear should be outweighing my excitement. But there’s no need to worry about that yet, I’m sure that time will come. For now, the idea of exploring new places and meeting new people raises my spirits more than dampening it, and it’s keeping me going so why the hell not

I’m not lying though, when I said I’m disgusted at myself for not updating this blog more frequently judging by the amount of time I have on my hands. I’ve been in the same old same old sticky fear funk again that prevents me from writing anything here, but I also want to be more honest, to myself and everyone else, because when it boils down to everything, honesty gains trust more than say, politeness or niceness. Even writing that sentence is making me fidget a little, but I think this is a gateway exercise to, y’know, not getting eaten alive while studying abroad.

So yay! I’m alive! This blog is alive! Nothing much to report on though sorry but exciting new adventures await! In four months’ time though so probably come back then just kidding don’t go I’ll even leave you with a song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately

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Author: Michelle Teoh

23-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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