a messy poem (?) by an anxious person at 4:38am
it’s almost 5am
the fifth night i’ve seen that digit on my phone screen before i fall asleep
maybe it’s because of this
or maybe it’s because of being in my head for too long from essay solitude
because oh no!
my stomach is sour, my tongue bitter
my thoughts race, my fears roar
lying in the dark i suddenly feel the world against me
dip my toes back into the vat of diesel tangled together with the rusty anxieties and doubts i’d left on the shelf for so long
so familiar, so unwanted
the viscosity pulls me down and i’m reminded of everything i predominantly dislike about myself
that everyone sees it too and it’s only a matter of time before…
my failures and mistakes all stand before me like regrettable phantoms that i never want to set eyes upon again
but i’m tired, i’m so exhausted
my mental fort has crumbled to the ground
all systems of security have failed
all that’s been protecting me from myself all this while
has been grinded to dust in the face of fatigue and loneliness
and it feels like a relapse everytime
worse than being in a perpetual state of misery
because you’ve tasted a life you want to lead
free of your own mental chains
only to wonder if it was bound to come to an end anyway
it’s too easy to be your own mortal enemy again
when you have nothing but the flashes of white in your vision from staring at a screen for too long
i don’t know how to write poems
this is not metaphorical enough! you scream from the void
and yet words are all i’ve ever known to alleviate any affliction
michelle teoh 