Oh No, Anxiety Arising

a messy poem (?) by an anxious person at 4:38am

it’s almost 5am

the fifth night i’ve seen that digit on my phone screen before i fall asleep

maybe it’s because of this

or maybe it’s because of being in my head for too long from essay solitude

because oh no! 

my stomach is sour, my tongue bitter

my thoughts race, my fears roar

lying in the dark i suddenly feel the world against me

dip my toes back into the vat of diesel tangled together with the rusty anxieties and doubts i’d left on the shelf for so long

so familiar, so unwanted

the viscosity pulls me down and i’m reminded of everything i predominantly dislike about myself

that everyone sees it too and it’s only a matter of time before…

my failures and mistakes all stand before me like regrettable phantoms that i never want to set eyes upon again

but i’m tired, i’m so exhausted

my mental fort has crumbled to the ground

all systems of security have failed

all that’s been protecting me from myself all this while

has been grinded to dust in the face of fatigue and loneliness

and it feels like a relapse everytime

worse than being in a perpetual state of misery

because you’ve tasted a life you want to lead

free of your own mental chains

only to wonder if it was bound to come to an end anyway

it’s too easy to be your own mortal enemy again

when you have nothing but the flashes of white in your vision from staring at a screen for too long

i don’t know how to write poems

this is not metaphorical enough! you scream from the void

and yet words are all i’ve ever known to alleviate any affliction

Published by

Michelle Teoh

26-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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