second summer: idleness, my greatest weakness

we’ve all been through that phase. that phase where you have a long stretch of free time coming up so you start planning for and anticipating a huge list of projects to start on, tv shows to watch, books to read. but the irony of actually preferring to do nothing when the time comes prevails over any residual motivation cultivated right from the start, leading to long lulls of idle periods that do more harm than good.

it’s already september, five days before i’m flying back to the uk and all i’ve done since coming back from hokkaido is watch death note movies, read chihayafuru manga, and worry. about what? anything, really, that one can think about. i was already generally a very fearful person, but now that i have ostensibly zero obligations and commitments, my paranoia and anxiety latches onto anything it can get its slimy tentacles on, gripping hard and never letting go. which means that i literally had nothing better to do than to let my fears run wild even as i sat on my sofa, unmoving, binge watching anime episodes into oblivion. it’s terrible, and frankly, it makes no sense, because how can one even weave something out of nothing and ruminate on it into existence (even if it’s a questionable existence)? which then ultimately leads to a familiar apprehension that being at home has been stressing me out more than when i was in uni, another T-shaped block in this tetris-like complex formation of my festering idle thoughts.

the funniest part about this is, i’ve been through this before, twice. i know this state of idleness all too well. literally hello darkness, my old friend. and just like that period of seven months after i finished spm and nine months after i finished a-levels, once again, i found myself staring into the void of an infinite abyss, watching my thoughts spiral deeper into the depths of impossible outcomes with each second.

bring on year three, i guess.

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Author: Michelle Teoh

21-year-old cynical Asian, book enthusiast and purveyor of fine sarcasm.

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