End of Innocence, Darkness of Man’s Heart

I found this little piece of paper slotted in between page 146 and 147 of Lord of the Flies yesterday. It took me quite a long time to realise the existence of this paper since I’d brought the book all the way back from PJ. Nevertheless, this little piece of paper made my day yesterday.

As you can see, I changed my blog theme…again. The reason behind this sudden, secondary overhauling can be contributed to my stumbling upon Mai Mergili’s WordPress blog. Mai is a 16-year-old Thai fashion and photography enthusiast who currently resides and studies in Germany who also takes wonderful photos which can be found on her new blog. Definitely worth a visit, if I should say so myself.

Back to the topic of books, I finished Lord of the Flies by William Golding today and thus this marks my 8th book of the year as you can see on the little Goodreads widget on the right. Despite the fact that I pretty much slugged through the first half of the book (I blame school for this!) I managed to pick up the pace when things turned disturbing and I managed to finish the rest of it today. By the end of it, I was stunned, more at the twisted plot than at the narration. Imagine if this is what Malaysian students have for literature study instead; it really makes you think.

And in the middle of them, with filthy body, matted hair and unwiped nose, Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called Piggy.

Advertisements

Chasing Cars Around Our Heads

30 more days. Let the games begin.

You know what’s magical? Snow Patrol, Birdy’s voice, clouds and Thursdays.

As usual, an apologetic explanation for my absence: I had exams last week and right after that, I fell sick. Again. That’s right, I fell sick twice in two weeks. I had food poisoning on Saturday, two days after exams ended, and until now, I still experience random bursts of nausea every now and then. It might sound like I’m pregnant but believe me, the only thing(s) I’m impregnated with right now are SPM facts which I cannot wait to deliver (and get absolute rid of) in nine months’ time.

As you can obviously see, Careful Confessions has been through an overhauling. Besides the theme and background change, I have also taken down the rating option for posts, as well as edited my about me and booklist page. I’ve also added this page to keep track of published works from my one-month stint at The Star last year. Quite a lot of effort has been put in to make this seem like a more personal blog to constantly remind myself not to stray too far away from what I don’t want to be, as clichéd as that sounds.

Life hasn’t changed. School has been busier than ever, especially with all the catching up since my absences from school. However, recently, I’ve been hit by an unexpected and totally random science fetish. If you follow me on my other social websites, you’ll know that I have occasional art fetishes which isn’t strange despite my inability to produce any kind of art worth admiring as I drew comics a lot when I was younger but this…science. The one word that can induce headaches at the very mention of it since last year, has now been an object of interest. And you know what? I blame SciShow and CrashCourse for this. (John and Hank Green, I owe you both my life for this.) Things are different when they turn from dull diagrams on white sheets of notes to vibrant animations in action. Suddenly, wave motions make perfect sense and are actually quite wonderful. The traits of carbon compounds give you insight into the brilliance of the existences of building blocks that make up everything and everyone. Sometimes, you even stop for a second to marvel at the way your heart works. Like what I said in my previous post, everything becomes clearer and more incredible when you realise that what we are learning are actually real, are actually ordinary daily phenomenons around us that work in extraordinary ways.

Of course, ask me again if I think waves are amazing and splendid in two months’ time and all you’ll probably get is a snap to shut your trap. Ah, the wonderful Malaysian education system that manages to turn every high school student into an emotionless robot.

On a way happier note, The Hunger Games movie officially releases in 30 days! What’s more, I’ll be watching it with Ann-Marie in Penang. This is probably the only thing on my Anticipation List.

Now that this post is made, I think it’s safe to conclude that my blogging muse has returned. Time to get this spiffy white blog page moving!

The Charade

You want me to be honest? Life isn’t a good “person”. It constantly gives me the illusion that it is but if you really look at it closely, it is far from it. Everyday, I draw imaginary schedules in my brain, organising everything into order with a sense of optimism but life never follows aforementioned schedule. It runs all over the place causing a stampede, leaving me to clean up the mess, a broken doll by the end of the day. The next day, the cycle starts again and the optimistic-despair loop repeats itself throughout my whole life.

You want me to be honest? I don’t understand why feelings and emotions exist. Feelings like sorrow, jealousy, hatred and even joy. Why does listening to a certain song or overhearing a backstab plan evoke such strong feelings? Why do they need to exist and turn us into monsters? Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be soulless, unemotional creatures? Everything would go smoothly without our feelings getting in the way.

You want me to be honest? I am getting really, really fed up with school. Not just the schoolwork, exams and pressure, but also the people. Being in school is draining, but believe it or not, I put on happy facades to appease everyone. But I’m tired of being “the good one”. I’m getting sick and tired of people pushing me around, treating me like a dispensable utility. Sometimes, I want to punish them for the wounds they’d inflicted but I never do because I’m “the good one”. It’s worse than being isolated and alone, and I can’t call anyone a friend anymore. I’d like to say none of my issues with people are actually personal but no, most of them are personal and I know c’est la vie but foutre la vie.

You want me to be honest? We’re all stupid studying. We don’t know what we’re studying and that frustrates me to no end. In the span of a week, I’ve learned more watching scientific videos on Youtube compared to a year of facing blackboards and textbooks and notes in classes and tuitions. It’s as if what we’re studying has nothing to do with every little thing around us when in actual fact, it does. When you stop to realise it, things get so much clearer but in Malaysia, we’re not trained to think like that, and it frustrates me.

You want me to be honest? These things don’t matter. No one cares. Life goes on.

Green & Pink

I particularly love my braces today because besides sporting brand new flashy colours after two months of black and white (I got white-only braces before this but I didn’t post about it because of the whole too-busy-to-blog ordeal), I got pink chain rubbers which, apparently, are new arrivals, so I could barely stop grinning the whole day.

The doctor also said that I’m a “castry” (this isn’t the right word for it but it sounded like “castry” anyway so attn dental students, help?) patient, that’s why there’s always a gap (albeit a small one now) between the top and bottom rows of my teeth. He said he’d have to check if the closed gap between the two rows open again during the next appointment and if they don’t, then I’m on my way to getting these metal things off. Yay!

Nothing Is Magical Anymore

Mommy dearest, father dearest, yours truly and 93-year-old grandpa dearest.

The title really gives you insight into how my Chinese New Year went by, doesn’t it?

To make a comparison, Chinese New Year for Michelle the young child was always the ultimate climax of the year, and I was never disappointed. I was always so happy to be around my family, especially my cousins. I got to wear pretty new clothes and receive many angpaus. Even the atmosphere was obviously different. There used to be a special buzz in the air on the first day of Chinese New Year, and if I was lucky enough, on the second, third and fourth day too. I wish I could remember enough to put my long-gone ecstasy into words but times have changed drastically and it was as if I’ve shed the wings of magickery as I walked the Trails of Growing Up. That’s the worst pain of growing up: you start to see things and people as they really are, and your heart aches when you realise that some things and people were never as great and wonderful as you’d always thought them out to be. The Warlock of Age starts to wave the banner bearing the words “Congratulations! You are now able to see the rotten side of creation!” in your face.

Here, I even made a graph to make things clearer for you:

To be fair, this year’s Chinese New Year wasn’t bad. It certainly wasn’t the merriest, but it wasn’t bad. I’d learned to accept the fact that things won’t be as bubbly and magical as they were seven years ago. I had fun. The highlight of the week was definitely Soo Pei and Soo May’s temporary return from England and KL respectively. Besides, the fact that I had a break from school for a week was already a sunny upside.

Speaking of school…ah, school. What else can I say? Only in Sultanah Asma School, you have waktu wajib for an hour after school ends, break for less than half an hour, and then it’s back to kepong classes for one and a half hour (or two hours and fifteen minutes for Physics), which means that school ends at 5PM everyday for all of us Form Fives. Back at home, I barely have time to sit down before I’m shipped away to tuition classes again. Considering the amount of time (or lack thereof) we have each day, you’d think that at least we wouldn’t have much homework to bring back home and if you’re thinking that then HAHA! WRONG GUESS!

Some days, I just want to sing Pressure by Paramore at the top of my lungs and forget everything else.

In and Out of Purpose

Contrary to past experiences, I know what this feeling is. It’s been missing from my life for quite some time now and that is good but now that it’s back I don’t know what to do. Nothing’s happened. Nothing’s changed. But it came anyway, and I’m trying to look for a way out without being a bother to anyone else. That’s why I’m here. This is all so stupid, stupid, stupid.

EDIT: 10:18 PM; Sometimes when I’m feeling inexplicably sad like today, I like to think it’s because in that moment, I am connected to the world, to its pain and suffering and loss, and then I feel better knowing that I’m siphoning the world’s sadness into myself, and because of that, the level of negativity in the world decreases and the world is a happier place, despite my sadness.

Project More- January

I am aware that I have not blogged for almost two weeks now, but I have good reason not to do so. What with my grandaunt’s funeral followed by Chinese New Year immediately after that and being sick in between, I didn’t really have the time and motivation to blog. Hence, this post is somewhat of a result of forced motivation since today’s the last day of January and I still haven’t done this month’s recommendations yet.

Before I continue, What is Project More?

January Recommendations

ROOM by EMMA DONOGHUE

Room tells the story of 5-year-old Jack, who has lived all five years of his life in Room, an eleven-by-eleven garden shed, with Ma. In the morning, he has breakfast cooked by Ma on Stove, then they do exercises on Rug or read a book or two in the afternoon but his favourite past time is watching Dora the Explorer on Television. At night, he enters Wardrobe to Switch Off when Old Nick comes to see Ma, because he is often uncomfortable with the creaks and the grunts that ensue with Old Nick’s arrival. He thinks Old Nick is hurting Ma, but Ma never complains.

Narrated from the perspective of a child who thinks Room is the whole world, this novel is hauntingly beautiful as we witness the transformation of an innocent soul when Jack starts to learn that the people in Television are actually real, the small piece of Skyline he sees through the window is not all there is and that both Ma and him are actually trapped in this eleven-by-eleven foot space…forever.

Apparently inspired by the real-life Josef Fritzl case, Room was a stunner for me. This book is highly disturbing, made even more so by the fact that we’re reading it through the eyes of a 5-year-old who questions everything in life (or Room). When you put the book down to really think about it, it’s a horrible string of events Jack is facing- but he doesn’t know it, which makes the heartache worse as you silently weep for Jack’s fate.

This is a book that will not only tug at your heartstrings, but tear them into shreds and stomp on them repeatedly.

Rating: 4/5

Also, a side recommendation to make up for my absence:

TIME TO REPLY- CHARLIE MCDONNELL

I have to say, I was overwhelmed with emotions when I heard this song for the first time. I don’t care about the critics, I’m giving this full stars because it is awfully relatable. Ever sat in front of your computer sifting through the life of that one person to find that they are surprisingly delightful? Ever waited for that one person to reply to your comment on Facebook or tweet on Twitter? There’s that giddy climactic feeling you get when you do, and then there’s the anti-climax of it all. With time, there comes change and despite the sourness, you have no choice but to let go. I don’t know if this song is also an insight to Charlie’s current life, because if it is, then ahem.

I find we’ve so much in common, 
How weird can it be?
That I feel I know you,
Though you don’t know me. 

Rating: I said, “full stars”.

PS. A post about what really happened while I was away coming right up, worry not.