We Return

I was looking for old photos on my mum’s Facebook profile when I stumbled upon two albums that made me start. I found the first photo dated 9th June 2009 in my 14th birthday album and the second photo in the countdown to 2012 album. What made me start was how eerily similar both photos were. Jia Yuan and I (the one in the red shirt with her hair tied in a ponytail) were both on the same couch and I was wearing the same shirt in both photos. Both Jia Ying and Xin Tong’s poses and positions were also similar, and the most important thing is none of this was planned, obviously. When you come to think of it, it’s quite scary and wonderful at the same time.

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Come Take A Walk On the Wild Side

I don’t usually like seminars, even ones that get me feeling all motivated (because said motivation will eventually evaporate by the time I enter the car) but the one I just attended today was mighty good and fun. Two speakers from Inti College, Vincent Tung and Faris were invited to give a talk on résumé writing as well as the proper etiquette while sitting through an interview. Besides the fact that the topic itself had already piqued my interest, Vincent, the main speaker of the day, was incredibly charismatic and managed to engage most of the students in the activities, despite the fact that there were about 300 people in the hall so it was a pretty good talk and I say it was a pretty good talk because I didn’t find myself looking at the clock every few minutes or so.

One of the aforementioned activities was having each group select a member among themselves and proceed to write a résumé for her. And the picture above, ladies and gentlemen, is Aifa, Anum, Lela, Benei, Eel, Eah and Diana’s résumé for me.

Just to clarify some points:

  • “Mysterious (silent but witty)” was Aifa’s idea. It was also brand new information to me. I am witty?
  • “Loves blogging (First class blogger by WordPress 2012)” was an exaggeration. WordPress didn’t give me a first class blogger award or title. It was a blog hosted by WordPress but created by three bloggers that gave me the award, and it wasn’t anything official or verified (though I am thankful for the award, I really am).
  • “A great violinist (Grade 7)”. I’m no great violinist but thank you, Anum, for thinking so highly of me.
  • “Smart (Top scorer- first in the form since Form 1)” isn’t totally true. Not in Form 3. And I doubt in Form 4 too.
  • “Has a great sense of humour” was Benei’s idea. *weak laugh*
  • “Fantastic debater (awarded Best Speaker in HELP Debate Competition)” should be corrected to “awarded Best Speaker in one of the preliminary rounds in HELP Debate Competition”. The “glory” has been reduced.
  • “Has a thing for British people” is kind of irrelevant here but SPOT ON.

To the people in my life: YOUR LIVES HAVE BEEN LIES!

But the narcissist in me thinks it’s nice knowing what people think of you. Thank you, homeskillets, for the wonderful résumé.

End of Innocence, Darkness of Man’s Heart

I found this little piece of paper slotted in between page 146 and 147 of Lord of the Flies yesterday. It took me quite a long time to realise the existence of this paper since I’d brought the book all the way back from PJ. Nevertheless, this little piece of paper made my day yesterday.

As you can see, I changed my blog theme…again. The reason behind this sudden, secondary overhauling can be contributed to my stumbling upon Mai Mergili’s WordPress blog. Mai is a 16-year-old Thai fashion and photography enthusiast who currently resides and studies in Germany who also takes wonderful photos which can be found on her new blog. Definitely worth a visit, if I should say so myself.

Back to the topic of books, I finished Lord of the Flies by William Golding today and thus this marks my 8th book of the year as you can see on the little Goodreads widget on the right. Despite the fact that I pretty much slugged through the first half of the book (I blame school for this!) I managed to pick up the pace when things turned disturbing and I managed to finish the rest of it today. By the end of it, I was stunned, more at the twisted plot than at the narration. Imagine if this is what Malaysian students have for literature study instead; it really makes you think.

And in the middle of them, with filthy body, matted hair and unwiped nose, Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called Piggy.

Chasing Cars Around Our Heads

30 more days. Let the games begin.

You know what’s magical? Snow Patrol, Birdy’s voice, clouds and Thursdays.

As usual, an apologetic explanation for my absence: I had exams last week and right after that, I fell sick. Again. That’s right, I fell sick twice in two weeks. I had food poisoning on Saturday, two days after exams ended, and until now, I still experience random bursts of nausea every now and then. It might sound like I’m pregnant but believe me, the only thing(s) I’m impregnated with right now are SPM facts which I cannot wait to deliver (and get absolute rid of) in nine months’ time.

As you can obviously see, Careful Confessions has been through an overhauling. Besides the theme and background change, I have also taken down the rating option for posts, as well as edited my about me and booklist page. I’ve also added this page to keep track of published works from my one-month stint at The Star last year. Quite a lot of effort has been put in to make this seem like a more personal blog to constantly remind myself not to stray too far away from what I don’t want to be, as clichéd as that sounds.

Life hasn’t changed. School has been busier than ever, especially with all the catching up since my absences from school. However, recently, I’ve been hit by an unexpected and totally random science fetish. If you follow me on my other social websites, you’ll know that I have occasional art fetishes which isn’t strange despite my inability to produce any kind of art worth admiring as I drew comics a lot when I was younger but this…science. The one word that can induce headaches at the very mention of it since last year, has now been an object of interest. And you know what? I blame SciShow and CrashCourse for this. (John and Hank Green, I owe you both my life for this.) Things are different when they turn from dull diagrams on white sheets of notes to vibrant animations in action. Suddenly, wave motions make perfect sense and are actually quite wonderful. The traits of carbon compounds give you insight into the brilliance of the existences of building blocks that make up everything and everyone. Sometimes, you even stop for a second to marvel at the way your heart works. Like what I said in my previous post, everything becomes clearer and more incredible when you realise that what we are learning are actually real, are actually ordinary daily phenomenons around us that work in extraordinary ways.

Of course, ask me again if I think waves are amazing and splendid in two months’ time and all you’ll probably get is a snap to shut your trap. Ah, the wonderful Malaysian education system that manages to turn every high school student into an emotionless robot.

On a way happier note, The Hunger Games movie officially releases in 30 days! What’s more, I’ll be watching it with Ann-Marie in Penang. This is probably the only thing on my Anticipation List.

Now that this post is made, I think it’s safe to conclude that my blogging muse has returned. Time to get this spiffy white blog page moving!

The Charade

You want me to be honest? Life isn’t a good “person”. It constantly gives me the illusion that it is but if you really look at it closely, it is far from it. Everyday, I draw imaginary schedules in my brain, organising everything into order with a sense of optimism but life never follows aforementioned schedule. It runs all over the place causing a stampede, leaving me to clean up the mess, a broken doll by the end of the day. The next day, the cycle starts again and the optimistic-despair loop repeats itself throughout my whole life.

You want me to be honest? I don’t understand why feelings and emotions exist. Feelings like sorrow, jealousy, hatred and even joy. Why does listening to a certain song or overhearing a backstab plan evoke such strong feelings? Why do they need to exist and turn us into monsters? Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be soulless, unemotional creatures? Everything would go smoothly without our feelings getting in the way.

You want me to be honest? I am getting really, really fed up with school. Not just the schoolwork, exams and pressure, but also the people. Being in school is draining, but believe it or not, I put on happy facades to appease everyone. But I’m tired of being “the good one”. I’m getting sick and tired of people pushing me around, treating me like a dispensable utility. Sometimes, I want to punish them for the wounds they’d inflicted but I never do because I’m “the good one”. It’s worse than being isolated and alone, and I can’t call anyone a friend anymore. I’d like to say none of my issues with people are actually personal but no, most of them are personal and I know c’est la vie but foutre la vie.

You want me to be honest? We’re all stupid studying. We don’t know what we’re studying and that frustrates me to no end. In the span of a week, I’ve learned more watching scientific videos on Youtube compared to a year of facing blackboards and textbooks and notes in classes and tuitions. It’s as if what we’re studying has nothing to do with every little thing around us when in actual fact, it does. When you stop to realise it, things get so much clearer but in Malaysia, we’re not trained to think like that, and it frustrates me.

You want me to be honest? These things don’t matter. No one cares. Life goes on.

Green & Pink

I particularly love my braces today because besides sporting brand new flashy colours after two months of black and white (I got white-only braces before this but I didn’t post about it because of the whole too-busy-to-blog ordeal), I got pink chain rubbers which, apparently, are new arrivals, so I could barely stop grinning the whole day.

The doctor also said that I’m a “castry” (this isn’t the right word for it but it sounded like “castry” anyway so attn dental students, help?) patient, that’s why there’s always a gap (albeit a small one now) between the top and bottom rows of my teeth. He said he’d have to check if the closed gap between the two rows open again during the next appointment and if they don’t, then I’m on my way to getting these metal things off. Yay!

Nothing Is Magical Anymore

Mommy dearest, father dearest, yours truly and 93-year-old grandpa dearest.

The title really gives you insight into how my Chinese New Year went by, doesn’t it?

To make a comparison, Chinese New Year for Michelle the young child was always the ultimate climax of the year, and I was never disappointed. I was always so happy to be around my family, especially my cousins. I got to wear pretty new clothes and receive many angpaus. Even the atmosphere was obviously different. There used to be a special buzz in the air on the first day of Chinese New Year, and if I was lucky enough, on the second, third and fourth day too. I wish I could remember enough to put my long-gone ecstasy into words but times have changed drastically and it was as if I’ve shed the wings of magickery as I walked the Trails of Growing Up. That’s the worst pain of growing up: you start to see things and people as they really are, and your heart aches when you realise that some things and people were never as great and wonderful as you’d always thought them out to be. The Warlock of Age starts to wave the banner bearing the words “Congratulations! You are now able to see the rotten side of creation!” in your face.

Here, I even made a graph to make things clearer for you:

To be fair, this year’s Chinese New Year wasn’t bad. It certainly wasn’t the merriest, but it wasn’t bad. I’d learned to accept the fact that things won’t be as bubbly and magical as they were seven years ago. I had fun. The highlight of the week was definitely Soo Pei and Soo May’s temporary return from England and KL respectively. Besides, the fact that I had a break from school for a week was already a sunny upside.

Speaking of school…ah, school. What else can I say? Only in Sultanah Asma School, you have waktu wajib for an hour after school ends, break for less than half an hour, and then it’s back to kepong classes for one and a half hour (or two hours and fifteen minutes for Physics), which means that school ends at 5PM everyday for all of us Form Fives. Back at home, I barely have time to sit down before I’m shipped away to tuition classes again. Considering the amount of time (or lack thereof) we have each day, you’d think that at least we wouldn’t have much homework to bring back home and if you’re thinking that then HAHA! WRONG GUESS!

Some days, I just want to sing Pressure by Paramore at the top of my lungs and forget everything else.