A Bigger Life – Page 6 – michelle teoh

Never Get Caught

Those were the words I last heard

Before I swam right into a human fishing net

The irony of it all overwhelming me

That I didn’t even realise the existence of my wrath

Inflicted upon the human race

In the form of grand peals of thunder

And strikingly white lightning

Never get caught

Because as puny and insignificant humans are

They are adamantly annoying

—

Bellyn followed me back to Alor Setar on Saturday and upon arriving at my hometown, we set to work almost immediately for the shoot. The amazing makeup was by both Bellyn and my mum. The photoshoot setting was thanks to my grandpa’s fishing jetty. The thunderstorm was thanks to the higher powers above. Thanks everyone.

More photos on Bellyn’s Flickr

Interlude 8

Late night stories
Running naked, cutting through the breeze
Kissing your eyes
Walking onto our friends
Catching stars and seas
Presses up to me
Whispers “Take me”
Soft skinned covered shells
And the taste of bells
To the atmos-greet
I know
I know
Move On
Move On
Now it’s time to move on
Move On

Post-Mocks Indulgence

After two weeks (and probably more) of T-shirt-and-shorts wardrobe combinations, sleepless late nights and overall suffocating torture that could only mean the starting of mock exams week, on the last day of exams, ten of us went out for a much-needed necessary trip to KL to replenish our dried up souls and spirits. And indeed, it was a day/night to remember.

The last paper on Friday was Pure Maths 1, and as soon as it ended at 11AM, all thoughts of exams and chemical equations and mathematical formulae were temporarily thrown out of the metaphorical window to jumpstart this celebration I reckoned I properly deserved after all the shitty weeks I’ve been through for exams.

There were many different tangents to the curve of this post-exams celebration, but ours went like this: Danny’s house, shopping at KL, Jogoya and then whatever comes after that. So with Harris as our esteemed driver, we went to Danny’s house first, where we ordered pizza delivery service (care was taken not to fill up our stomachs too much to brace ourselves for the royal feast that was Jogoya later that night) and basically just chilled. And then around 2PM we left because Harris, Guinevere, Danny and Gerald had a movie to catch at Pavilion at 2.30PM and we were already running quite late.

At KL, the four of them rushed for the movie while Bellyn, Taliza, Irfan, Chok and I went (window) shopping around Sungei Wang Plaza, H&M (where I got a mesh shirt for a photoshoot the next day), Lot 10 and KLCC (where I spent RM100 book vouchers on David Levithan books hahahahahaha). And then it was 5.30PM and we had to walk the arduously long walkway back to Pavilion and then to Starhill where we met up with everyone else who had gone off on different tangents (Austin and Ian, and the movie bunch).

As soon as I entered Jogoya, the surrealism of the night started to set in. Besides the grandeur that is Jogoya, just being there with all my favourite people having a royal Japanese buffet right into the night felt otherworldly and ethereal. As if we were just sitting for our P1 paper that morning! And it was exactly this sudden overwhelm of emotions that set me off a little, as I dived into a hazy stupor and tried to keep myself from bursting into an explosion of tears or laughter; anything at all to release the overwhelmingness of it all. That would just be weird, so I kept it under check the entire time. The accumulated exhaustion throughout the week also decided to smack me right in the face at the same time so that helped a little.

After dinner, not surprisingly, we had mini dance parties on the escalators and elevators of Starhill, everyone on an apparent high that I couldn’t deny I didn’t see coming. We wandered around Pavilion for a while, and then the outside streets of KL until we decided to just chill at Tous Les Jours where everyone went off on different talking tangents again. And that’s all we did well into the night: talking. And it felt, well, exactly like that overrated term coined by Stephen Chbosky in The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Infinite.

And then it was almost midnight and I was so close to dozing off, that kind of exhaustion tinged with nausea and not knowing exactly where you are. So everyone said their goodbyes (“see you next week!”s) and Gerald, Irfan, Bellyn and I climbed into the Austin mobile, and the entire ride home was just…splendid. Bellyn was the DJ and the KL nighttime landscape was the brilliant view and I’d say the ride home itself was comparable to the fun of the entire day itself.

Back at SMR, after parting ways with Bellyn at the elevator, I found myself caught in the in-between of fatigue and restlessness (such an unbelievable paradox but believe me it exists) and it pretty much went on throughout the entire night, leading to only three hours of restless sleep that night, as my brain continuously and involuntarily replayed the night’s surreal events in my brain over and over again, overwhelmed. But grateful. Grateful for all these people in my life whom I trust not only to have fun with but the not-so-fun parts as well. And that, is my greatest gratitude and fortune of all.

First-Time Futsal

When someone (I don’t remember who) suggested we play futsal on Friday (me, Bellyn and Taliza invited as well because usually it was just the guys who played), I was pretty reluctant because a) I don’t go well with sports and b) I didn’t want to make a fool of myself and cause my team (whichever team it was) to lose. But in the end I gave in to peer pressure and went to college dressed in sports attire.

Before futsal at 3PM, most of us went to have lunch at SS15 at this place which serves apparently “the best nasi lemak in the world” and to be fair, it was my first proper meal in weeks so I actually didn’t doubt the marketing slogan. It was pretty good.

And then futsal started and needless to say, I sucked pretty royally at it in terms of stamina (couldn’t run across the field without feeling exhausted), hand-eye coordination (the amount of times my foot has missed contact with the ball would make you howl with laughter; or cry a river if you were on my team) and general nervousness (didn’t dare go after anyone with the ball so what’s the point of me playing, really?) But I had fun and everyone was such great teammates and played really well and I think that was enough to make me like sports again. (For those not in the know: I used to be an athlete in primary school WHAT A SHOCKER I KNOW AHAHHAHAHA)

Of course, sudden exertion after lacking some in ages means that I woke up this morning with very sore limbs and the reluctance to do anything else. And thus, this Saturday, just like most Saturdays previously, was spent not doing anything remarkably productive.

PS. Thus far, I have been described as a Malaysian version of Zoella and Lydia Martin, and really, those are great confidence boosters to encourage me to live up to these flattering comparisons. I’m not there yet, but I’m still trying to believe in myself (truly, in all the cheesiness of that phrase).

now you can’t move up/with your eyes down

During yesterday’s photoshoot, we decided to experiment letting me control the camera shutter myself instead, and surprisingly, it turned out quite well.

How did we end up by the roadside? – something we always ask ourselves when we end up in the strangest of places

Also, I will not rest until all of you listen to HAERTS’ Hemiplegia EP.

FULL PHOTOSHOOT HERE (BELLYN’S FLICKR)

0017 hours

y’know i can justify why and where this low self-esteem came from. it is a product of daily interactions with other human beings. contrary to popular belief, it is not something one chooses to have and can be discarded with a simple one-sentenced advice of “be more confident”. it is not romantic or something that makes you a “special snowflake”. it is utterly terrible and destructive and the worst part is, it is wholly ingrained in you and it takes a huge amount of effort to even dig it out and trash it. and thus it stays with you, for a very, very long time.

as mentioned, it is the product of interactions with other people you see everyday. why is it that i always end up saying the wrong things? what did i do differently that these people choose to stay away from me? why do i second guess and analyse everything in conversations? what should i do instead if mirroring other people’s actions won’t garner the same results for me as it is for them? why is it i invest and depend so much on other people? why can’t i allow myself the ability and trust to believe and depend on myself?

i am grateful. truly i am. i think i am just afraid the people i love will not be able to stand my shit and leave me. and that is truly the greatest fear of all.

all my life/there you go

I listen to the same song, the song that transports me back to three months ago (was it really just three months? Felt like three years) to the road trip and the endless fun I had throughout the entire week. And yet, I am not there. I am listening to the same song, but I am stuck in a crowded bus observing the terrible haze from its windows, feeling the bore and chore of routine weighing me down, wondering if we could ever recreate the magic we had last year.

Do you believe in “first moment’s the most magical”? Because I do. I believe the best moments are the ones where you walk into them unpredictably without prior planning, but once you set down your heart to plan something out, it’s never as good as the first time. I think it’s a matter of expectations. I walk into the second attempt expecting it to be as spectacular as the first, and I think hence I get disappointed easily.

I don’t know what it is about this year that’s made me afraid to step out of my comfort zone again. Heck, the entire last year was wholly days and weeks and months of taking the risk and feeling good about them. I need to constantly remind myself that I’m still the same person as last year, still the same person who travelled solo in London for a day and went parasailing without a second thought. I just need to bring her out from her hiding place again.

And lastly, I miss so many things, so many people. I miss what was, and I miss home.

The song is Rawnald Gregory Erickson The Second by STRFKR.

Of Hats, Udon, Scrabble & Party-Crashing

I have not written in here for so long. Many apologies. The only incentive for me to open my laptop to write this blogpost is the reminder that today is the last day of February and I once made a promise to myself that I would at least publish a post a month. So here I am. And thankfully, for this last post of the month, I get to write about legitimate, solid happenings instead of trying to rack my brain for something interesting to write because today has been very eventful indeed, as you can probably guess from the title.

Friday lessons were always pretty fun because it was the end of the week and everyone had that glint of anticipation in their eyes, even in class. We didn’t have Econs class today as Miss Cherilyn had a training course so we even had an extra hour of break spent researching on music videos to get inspiration to make our own music video. It was also the Udon gang’s self-proclaimed Hat Day so I turned up to school in a white beanie, Bellyn in a snapback, Taliza in a black beanie, Irfan in a red beanie, Harris in his dad’s civil war cap (which is so cool oh my god), Karu in an adorable spirithood and Austin in a snapback as well.

And then, after class was when we put on all our adventure hats to set out on our adventures.

“Sanuki Udon” was where we got our group name from and it was how it was formed: Karu telling us that there was this udon restaurant near his house at Kota Kemuning that had really good udon and finally, after weeks, we did the thing. We did the udon thing. And we weren’t disappointed in the least bit.

After lunch, we walked around the area like a motley hipster crew taking photos.

We dropped Karu off at his house (it wasn’t mentioned- Harris was our esteemed chauffeur for the day) and then Irfan and Taliza at college before the remainder of us- me, Bellyn and Harris headed for a coffee joint at 1st Subang Mall at SS15 where we spent about three hours chilling, talking and playing Scrabble. I hadn’t played Scrabble since I was about 8 or 9 and it was a pleasant surprise to find out that I still had my inner Scrabble nerd alive and breathing within myself.

The next stop was Sunway Pyramid where we picked up Ian’s Vans and Harris’ necessities from Watsons, and then proceeded to scheme about crashing a certain college event which we thought was held at Sunway Convention Centre- but when we got there, imagine our utter surprise when we were greeted by an overwhelming crowd of men in football jerseys. Curious, we entered anyway but when the doors opened, I started feeling scared because fun time is up- we’d better leave. But Bellyn urged us to go in anyway and we relented under peer pressure- to find ourselves in Toyota’s Thank You Dinner event. We sat down at a table for a while before my fear really kicked in and I started to get pretty fidgety because getting kicked out of a dinner event was not something I was looking forward to so we left after taking a few photos and after we exited the place, we couldn’t stop laughing at what we just did. I couldn’t believe what I did. If it even happened at all. It was one of those rare moments where I was completely enveloped in the present because everything was actually happening and that left little room to think of anything else.

Harris sent both of us back to SMR after that with Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second by STRFKR playing on the car radio and all in all, it was the best day I’ve had in weeks.

I sometimes forget that the best things that happen in life are often unplanned, but rather stumbled upon head-on, spontaneous and without warning.

As far as Februarys go, this was the roughest but I’m glad I ended the month with a high note.

nocturne /ˈnɒktəːn/

1:10am

craving adventure but never possessing the courage to initiate one myself

person of zilch substance and/or interest

borrowing others’ identities to claim as part of my own

only possessed opinions are of trivial matters that hardly counts as contribution

temporary passion (if any)

overflowing emotions not put to good use, or even any use at all

limited talents that are not complete in any way

false facade to strike people upon first impression but the emptier, once dug

self-centred, conceited, selfish, all kinds of thinking done only for and by myself

false promises

escaping from responsibilities in the pettiest way

every attempt to salvage self isn’t actually a 100% effort

submission towards fear and stereotypes

talk the walk, never the other way round

worry but never actually try to turn it the other way round

writing blogposts past midnight in an attempt to gain sympathy from mass of adoring crowds

The Story, It Starts With A Cart…

ALL PHOTOS TAKEN BY AND HENCE BELONG TO BELLYN OOI

The little green imp that has been following them around everywhere, the two girls decided to put inside a cart they found at school.

The imp squirmed a little at first in combat boots (they had harsh terrestrial conditions where she came from) , but ended up savouring the novelty of being literally carted around by the two humans she considered her most trustworthy companions during her entire time in the human world.

However, like all her times among humans, the little green imp had to return home; although this time, she already found home in the cart she was pushed around in by her human friends. (They also found irony in the cart because a) it was also green b) there was a sign hung on both sides of the cart that says “Let us help ease your burdens”…the imp did anything but that.)

Check out that time we caught a merman at Lagoonview.

—

We didn’t actually go looking for a cart. Technically, it found us. And we seized the opportunity.

I spent the weekend meeting up with Effie and Elya (InT3rN3t fRenZzZZ!!111) and also (1/6) of the 2011 Starstruckers: Min Hui, Ann-Marie, Ju Mei and Le Shea.

I’m also going home for Chinese New Year on Tuesday. A lot of things are looking up. I just need to constantly remember that.

Unscrew the Locks From the Doors

The title is a quote from John Green’s Paper Towns, because this afternoon’s short activity reminded me of that time when Quentin was in Margo’s room searching for clues. I don’t know why.

I woke up this morning thinking about writing. I didn’t know why but I had a really strong urge to write, and I don’t mean just general blogging but contributing to websites that compile short stories and anecdotes that are sent to them. So I visited curasian.com, which I found out about at their booth at Urbanscapes two months ago but never really remembered to go on it.

I then searched for the contributors of the website and started going through their blogs, which led me to Adrianna Tan’s blog where I found out she had participated in the Indian Rickshaw Run before, which led me to this site which led me to another site about Abraham Maslow’s theory about self-actualization.

In the instance when I went through it, coupled with the infectious spontaneity of Adrianna’s rickshaw run blogposts, I immediately got up from my sitting position on the bed and decided to take down everything off the Board of Stuff in my room and replace them with useful reminders to, for lack of a less corny phrase, make myself a better person towards myself and others. The past rough week certainly proved that I needed a change in thinking and attitude, for the sake of my own reassurance.

I think today has been a day of discoveries.

Creative Friday Part I

My first post of the year would be one describing our first Creative Friday, a photoshoot (photostory sequence) of a merman literally out of water and on land for the first time.

Leached this off Taliza’s Instagram, real photos to come

Members of the crew: Gerald as the model/merman, Bellyn as the photographer and photoshoot idea initiator, Taliza as the photography assistant, Karu as the make-up and hair stylist and me as the DJ and occasional help-about person thingmajig. Zitian, Ian, Austin and Harris were also there, and overall it was a pretty productive five hours spent at Lagoonview apartment where the photoshoot was held, in Gerald and Austin’s unit.

Behind the scenes from Bellyn’s Instagram

This is my first time being involved in such an activity and it was pretty exciting to be honest, save not really knowing what to do in a sea of experienced members. It was not your typical Friday leisure activity, either.

Looking forward to more Creative Fridays!

Looking Back on 2013

I have this tradition on Careful Confessions, wherein on the last day of each year, mere hours before the instantaneous transition into a new year, I post a blogpost here summarizing the entire year before I leap headfirst into a new one. This year, I’m going to do this last-post-of-the-year thing with a questionnaire I found on Tumblr, in the hopes that it would be comprehensive enough for this very eventful year of 2013.

1: What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Let’s see: I worked as a cashier for two months, went travelling to a foreign country for a month without my parents, went to college, went on a proper road trip with classmates, and went parasailing for the first time.

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t have any specific resolutions for this year, except to be braver, stronger and happier. In a way, yes I’ve kept them, and my resolutions will remain the same for next year.

Also, coercion into exercising more next year, because blood test results came back not as pretty as I’d like it to be.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

A cousin sister of mine did when I was in UK!

4: Did anyone close to you die?

A senior friend of mine, and Golden, my dog that I’ve had for about 10 years.

5: What countries did you visit?

The Netherlands (Amsterdam), England and Thailand (though I think the last one doesn’t really count).

6: What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Um more positivity, I think, more tolerance, lower expectations of people and situations so I don’t get disappointed easily. More friends would also be cool. More concert tickets, too.

7: What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

23rd March- I got my SPM results.
26th April- Flew to London on my own (technically).
26th May- Met Jack & Dean, Tomska, JennyBee, Bing, Tim and Alex at VidFest UK aka best day of my life.
3rd July- Went to college.
23rd & 24th November- Went to Urbanscapes with Taliza and Bellyn.
22nd December

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I would say getting straight A pluses in SPM (because that is the generic thing to do and was my initial answer) but being defined by grades is such a sad thing so I’d say choosing to be more extroverted and less antisocial in a wholly new environment and making friends!!!

I also hit 100,000 views on this blog so I think that’s pretty cool.

9: What was your biggest failure?

Again, was about to churn out a generic answer concerning studies and grades but…overthinking and making terrible assumptions about people without knowing better, hence repelling people and making me lose friends (I hope I didn’t…but I wouldn’t be surprised if I did).

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope not really, thank goodness.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

I BOUGHT HARRY POTTER’S WAND FROM HARRY POTTER STUDIOS

12: Whose behaviour merited celebration?

You know what, I’m gonna say Mei, because I know this year has been an exceptionally good year for her, and I just want to say how proud I am of her and how amazing a person she is, for being one of the few people who have helped me get through my darker times.

Also shoutout to Rachel, for always being there for me literally whenever, which is such an amazing feat in itself and I’m always so, so proud of her and grateful for her existence.

13: Whose behaviour made you appalled?

I’d rather not name names for this.

14: Where did most of your money go?

Uh, shopping in England and KL during college days.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

England trip, Urbanscapes, road trip and everytime I get to go home.

16: What song will always remind you of 2013?

Will I sound pretentious if I say Get Lucky by Daft Punk

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Happier, definitely.
(b) Thinner, definitely.
(c) I’m not sure, but I’d say poorer since last year I didn’t really have to worry about finances and handling my own money.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

Losing my self-consciousness and doing more…bizarre and extraordinary things.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Assuming the worse of people, wallowing in my own self-pity and sorrow, lazing around and procrastinating.

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Dinner at my uncle’s! See previous post.

22: What was your favourite TV program?

Pretty Little Liars was my tv show of the year.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I do.

24: What was the best book you read?

Allegiant by Veronica Roth isn’t exactly the best but it was the most impactful.

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

HAIM (!!!)

26: What did you want and get?

Straight A+ for SPM and trip to England.

27: What did you want and not get?

Soooo many things I’ve lost count.

28: What was your favourite film of this year?

Catching Fire, definitely.

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Knowing that I’ve taken many of the chances that were thrown my way. Feels amazing.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

YAASSSS I became braver and more confident to wear whatever I liked, even wearing makeup willingly, a huge leap from previously wearing pajamas to tuition classes last year (so to those who criticise my current clothing choices, aren’t you glad now huh)

31: What kept you sane?

My parents and admittedly, my classmates.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Dan and Phil.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

May 5th, Malaysian 13th general election.

34: Who did you miss?

My parents, man, you never know what you miss until you only get to see them sporadically once every few months. 😦 And also Heart, my dog.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Life’s too short to worry about life being too short and all those little things that make you scared.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger, the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger” – Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy

Ultimately, 2013 was not the best year I’ve had, and it was certainly the most challenging (much so than last year, I might add), but I’d say it was also the most productive, change-inducing, eye-opening and freshest year I’ve had so far. So many new things that I never thought I’d had the ability or capability to do lined the paths of 2013, yet I managed to stubbornly bulldozed them down, giving me huge bouts of confidence and self-esteem I never thought I’d had in me. I like to think that challenges such as getting lost in London alone and being thrown into college (rather unwillingly) have built up my character and made me a better person that I was last year, or the years before that.

Have a good 2014, everyone! In the wise words of Hannah Montana, “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it right (background echo) let’s make it right”

❄ Christmas ❄

This blog is slowly becoming a photoblog oh wellllllll and I didn’t even take these photos but I’m gonna let these photos speak for themselves because there’s only so much you can talk about food.

This year, like every other year, we had a Christmas dinner at my uncle’s.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas this year!

Three Days of Awesome with Ann-Marie

Continuation of the previous post!

After picking Ann-Marie up from Bukit Mertajam, we made our way back to the lovely sparse lands of Alor Setar where she will be staying us for three days.

That night, we watched the 1D movie (looooooooooool) before going to bed.

I promised to take Ann around Alor Setar the next day so that’s what I did, after dropping by at Mi Xia’s place (and subsequently pick her up) since Ann also knows her, through BRATs. And then where else was there to go in Alor Setar, really? We went to Menara Alor Setar (only to discover it was closed), Habit Art Cafe, Pacific for dessert and then home, and it was a relief of sorts because the air-con in my car broke down halfway through the “tour” and it was like a furnace in the vehicle the entire time.