Category: Life’s Little Tidbits

Apparently, life is like Pringles or Coke when I’m happy and Hacks when I’m sad.

Neuvième de Juin

Thank you Yuen Ming, Pei Fong, Yu Han, Jia Yee and Hoi Chin for calling me at midnight to trick me into thinking you guys were really outside my house when you guys were actually on a bus on the way to KL, and for singing me a birthday song besides wishing me ‘happy birthday’ personally.

Thank you Laiyy for that 3-minute Skype session to sing me a birthday song and show me your room.

Thank you Sasha for the call and text updates all the way from KL so that I wasn’t truly alone.

Thank you David for that online party and everyone who participated in it (that means you CC and Daryl) until my birthday was truly over. Best virtual birthday party ever, might I add. And also the reason for the first smile I had on my face for the day.

Thank you Sasha and David for dropping by to give me a gift, even though it was raining and you guys were supposed to be heading for dinner. Thank you for the gift with the lovely letter as well.

And of course, thank you everyone for the wishes through Facebook, Twitter and texts which I personally thanked for, each and everyone of them.

🙂

Blindly Wishing

And I can tell just what you want
You don’t want to be alone
You don’t want to be alone
-Two Door Cinema Club 

All I want for my birthday, the only day when I allow myself to feel superior than everyone else, is to not be alone. And for people to care. There, I’ve said it.

You might think of this post as a pathetic call for attention. I couldn’t care less.

The Quiet Ones

I wasn’t always a shy, quiet kid. In fact, I was much more of an extrovert in my childhood days than I am now. I don’t know when this social-butterfly-turn-abominable-hermit turning point of my life took place, but what I do know is how huge a turning point it was in my life.

I am scared of people. Of strangers and large crowds. Especially superior people who make me lose self-esteem. There are two kinds of situations in which I deal with meeting strangers/people I don’t know well differently:

  • Situation A: The person is someone I dislike and do not want to talk to. I ignore and avoid them. Unless I am unfortunately coerced into talking, then I start to stutter and my voice comes out all funny.
  • Situation B: The person is someone I like and want to talk to. I start to panic and avoid eye contact at all costs. All sorts of thoughts start to circulate in my mind, most of them imaginary conversation starters which I never have the guts to spill. Basically, I have this general ‘script’ of our imaginary conversation, but most of the time the other person doesn’t go along with his/her lines in my ‘script’ and this results in another panic attack. Either that or an awkward silence. Depending on the situation, I will either keep quiet from that moment onwards or attempt a feeble joke/comment which mostly results in another awkward silence yet again. If the situation persists, I shut up completely and torture myself endlessly for the next hour or two in my head.

If everything else fails, I just smile and pretend everything’s alright. I am pretty sure if everyone could hear my thoughts, they wouldn’t hear me shut up at all.

It’s not like I don’t try at all, because I do, I always do. I always start off by being optimistic, constantly reminding myself, “Michelle, don’t just keep quiet, remember to say hi.” “Michelle, you could start off by asking her how’s school.” “Michelle, remember to smile.” And these reminders usually work if we start on a conversational topic and I cling onto that one topic for dear life. But most of the time I run out of materials to talk about or in the cases of group conversations, I become irrelevant. Then I start to pay more attention to my surroundings. And so I drift away from the conversation and end up in my own bubble, as always, unless I get hold of a possible remark which I hold on to, until the moment is right and under the pressure of wanting to be sociable I blurt it out. This is a long thought process for me so this happens only once in a few minutes, or none at all.

Generally, this is Michelle the introvert in a nutshell.

I see the world divided into two kinds of people: the extroverts and the introverts. I’ve heard of people wanting to be extroverts but never introverts. This leads me to wonder, is being an introvert really a negative thing? Well I mean, yes, social interactions are problems and whatnot but sometimes, sometimes when I’m not pressured to be sociable, I enjoy silence. I can be among a group of people and choose to be silent because that’s what I prefer to be. But apparently everyone thinks more highly of extroverted people so we introverts strive to be more socially outwards but as a strong believer of naturality, I believe no one should ever change themselves because they are made to be the way they are, and changing and altering themselves is just wrong because I think the people of this world are horribly tainted, and that is just wrong. We introverts deserve a place in this world too, and we deserve to be heard, if not verbally then through words or paintings or other creative illustrations.

I find this post very difficult to write. Maybe it’s because I am contradicting myself with every word I spew out or maybe it’s because it’s already 1:30AM and this gastritis is killing me.

Hijau/Kuning!


The event in which Michelle shows her true patriotic Kedahan spirit?

Ha! As if.

The reason why I got green/yellow braces today is to match my nail polish.

That is the reason why.

After that, Dad insisted we visit the Floral Exhibition in the Botanical Garden and I even made a DIY recycling bag for 15 Ringgit! An excruciating 30 minutes later, it turned out uglier than the one done by a 7-year-old sitting next to me, so I quickly left the booth and hid the bag in the car.

Random interesting incident of the day: We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant and Mum ordered mayonnaise pork so when her meal came the waitress said, “Mayo set?” and my Mum shoved the tray at me. It was hilarious at the time and my Mum tried to defend herself by saying, “Well, your name is Mayo!”

We went to Si Pek’s house yesterday (they just came back from England) and found out the pups are named!

Prince
Rocky (named by yours truly bahahahaha)
Shero/Shiro/Lady
Duchess

The other two black puppies who Mum didn’t take photos of are Zorro and Happy.

…that sounded racist, didn’t it?

Okay, bye.

Of School Years

I know I’m not really in a place to write about a blogpost concerning “School Years” since I am still technically in school. But just the other day, I was passing by the Form 1 block, observing the thirteen-year-olds of my school, and a stray thought automatically popped into my head.

You people still have a long way to go.

It was an automatic reflex. Not a well-thought-out thought.

I then pressed the rewind button on my life, back to when I was thirteen, scared and confused as I made my first step into this school. For those who didn’t know, I was a late entry into Asma, transferred here after two to three weeks of schooling in Keat Hwa. I was supposed to be in the Asma registration list since all the Pumpong girls who got straight As for the past few years were automatically put into Asma. But it was different during my year. So my mum took some pretty extraordinary measures to get me into the school, and in the end I did, but I admit, during the first few weeks, I really wished she hadn’t. I was a loner you see, because I didn’t have any “primary school friends” with me as opposed to everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, some people were friendly, but as I wasn’t part of their “groups”, I didn’t have anyone else to rely on. It was worse than just being “the new kid in school” because technically, everyone’s a new kid, so being singled out made me feel like a freak. Like I said, not everyone treated me with animosity, but let’s just say I looked forward to the last ringing bell signaling the end of school every single day.

That is, until I got back my first test results.

That’s when I started making friends…and enemies. I won’t go into that part because it’s probably too personal for my liking but I guess I can say my life in school improved immensely after that. It’s really sad that my test results appeal to people much, much more than my personality.

Anyway, back to the topic. I was placing myself in their shoes, and seeing through my thirteen-year-old eyes, back when I thought, man, secondary school sure as hell is going to be one hell of a ride. Five years. Five years! And that’s not counting two major examinations to be sat for! Mountains and mountains of homework! Extra-curricular activities to join! Friends! Rivals! Oh the drama! It sounded really, really tiring and exhausting to me, but naturally, as a thirteen-year-old, I didn’t ruminate as much as I do now. Thus, quite surprisingly, Form 1, 2 and 3 passed by in a flash. I swear, I didn’t know time could pass by that fast. I swear, it just seemed like yesterday that I first stepped into Sultanah Asma School.

Now, I am in Form 4. And I am thinking of the one last year I have left in this school (well, this year is pretty much already coming to an end so I’m not taking into the account the remaining 5 months and 22 days of this year). To think that I had actually thought that my journey through secondary school would be a sluggish one. And now I only have a year left in this school. I don’t think you understand how shocking this was to me right there at that moment, as I stood before 1 Kedah, looking in at the noisy students who were in a rush to pass up their homework. That was me just three years ago. Boy, did those three years pass by in the blink of an eye. Full of both wonderful and horrible memories. And soon, I will be leaving this place. In a year’s time. A year’s time might seem very long, but judging by how fast time passed by in the previous three years, I would disagree.

So I took back my words, because they didn’t need my “advice” anyway. Because before they know it, they will be seniors themselves soon enough, and it won’t be a long way to go for them, like it actually wasn’t for me. I know, I know, I’m not a graduating senior yet, but perhaps I’m glad that I didn’t have to wait until the day of my graduation to realise this. Perhaps I’m glad that I know I still have a year to appreciate the memories I had and will have in this school, as cheesy as it sounds, because I know, once I leave this nest, I’ll never be able to return to the comforts of it again.

I Try

I try, again and again to make everyone happy. At the same time, I try to be the best for everyone. I try to make things work, with or without my presence. But if there is ever one thing I do best without even trying in the slightest, it’s never doing something right. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I write is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

As stupid as it sounds, I just want to be perfect for everyone, so no one would ever have to worry about me screwing things up anymore.

Is This the Part Where I Feel Happy Now?


I find it extremely ironic and unfair that every last paper I sit for in an exam always makes me feel shitty.

Exhibit A: For UPSR, I thought I did really bad in my last paper, English Paper 2, and while everyone was celebrating, I went home feeling really worried.

Exhibit B: For PMR, I thought I did really bad in my last paper, Mandarin Paper 2, and while everyone was celebrating, I went home feeling really worried.

Exhibit C: This time, for midyears, I did really bad in my last paper, Accounts Paper 2, and while everyone was celebrating, I felt all the pent-up energy reserved just for this moment, this moment when I finally pass up my last paper, drain out of myself, and I cannot bring myself to be relieved or glad even for a minute.

I know it’s pointless worrying over something like this, but I already know the subjects I’m going to be really disappointed with are:

  •  All of them.
…okay, maybe this is the part where I stop whining. Well then, movies, anyone?

They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!! Ahhhh!

Edit: Title edited for suitability. Title credits: Sufjan Stevens.

Thought I couldn’t really stay away from the Internet for more than week, didn’t you? Well, you’re right. I thought to myself, since it’s the weekend anyway, and you’ve promised yourself not to feel so self-abased easily next time, fine, you’re off the hook.

The first thing I find out the moment I go on Twitter is the rapidly-spreading rumour that the allegedly “brand new” date for Judgment Day is tomorrow. Apparently, some person did some math and came up with the latest date of the apocalypse, which is May 21st 2011. If that isn’t enough, CDC (Center for Diseases Control and Prevention) recently released a blog entry titled “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse” and while this might seem like a very late April Fool joke (it certainly seemed like one to me! Still does.) the people working in CDC are pretty serious about this matter, relating the zombie-triggered apocalypse to the Japan nuclear power plant radiation disaster.

Shit just got real, huh?

It’s not surprising that news like these are floating around in cyberspace right now. People are probably already bored of 2012 already (I know I am), thinking that well, there’s still more than a year until the 2012 Apocalypse right?

Maybe they’ll rope John Cusack in again for another blockbuster movie titled “Muhhhh Muhhhh MUHHHHH!!!” (Zombie language for “I’m hungry!”)

That’s all for now.

PS. Can everyone stop talking about prom?????!!!!!!!!!111

Break


I would take a leaf out of Lisa’s book if I could, but since I can’t, I’m just going to go on a break from the Internet to get over how lousy I feel about my life right now. I contemplated deactivating all accounts but then decided that I’ll come back to them eventually when I feel better anyway. I don’t know when that will happen, though, most probably next week after exams. I had a really huge fit last night and I thought this would be the best option. I can’t say what exactly is wrong because too many people view this blog but since Xuen suggested I pour everything out into my blog, here I present you with a very vague and obscure post. I’ll probably be fine in a few days, if I can manage it. A break is all I need.

So yeah, goodbye to all social interactions through the Internet for now. If anyone needs me for anything urgent, I’m just a text away.

If I Were A Dude

Challenge #2 accepted!

If I were a raging, hormonal dude, my life would mostly consist of playing video games, snacking on leftovers from the fridge, chips bought from the nearby 7-Eleven store, hanging with the bros, drinking with the bros, calling people “bros”, brofisting, and all sorts of dude stuff that the female species will never comprehend.

As a kid, I’ll always be with my toy guns,  toy soldiers, and when I get bored of them I’ll go pull my sister’s Barbie doll’s hair until she cries. When I go to school, I’ll join the soccer team, roll around in the mud, turn a deaf ear when my mum yells at me for dripping mud all over the mopped floor.

When I’m a teenager, I’ll start wearing all sorts of wacky clothing with equally wacky hairstyles and call them “my style”. I’ll spend most of time in my room, wasting time on the Internet, snacking on that box of leftover pizza under my bed. Being socially awkward, I’ll probably have very little friends and get called “loser” whenever I go out, but I know the Internet is my best friend. I’ll probably have a dog and call it Tri after ‘triangle’ because it sounds hipster. My teenage life would be a very confusing and complicated one, and I would be glad to finally graduate and get out of that hellhole.

Okay, this is starting to sound like a typical American teenage movie.

When I grow up, get a job and get married and have kids, all I’ll do is work and work and start my day with coffee and a newspaper in hand and kiss my kids before they go to school. This cycle will then go on as a daily routine, bland and boring, besides those weekly football game watches with my other paunched and obese friends with fast receding hairlines not unlike mine. Then there will be a day when I come home, and find the house in neat order, the children asleep, my clothes washed, a supper for me on the table, and wonder how women do it. How women have to go through so much, such as giving birth, having menstrual cycles every month, besides going through the trouble of making themselves look good whenever they go out by spending hours making up, doing their hair, step out of the house wearing scarily high heels and extremely uncomfortable skirts. Those are pretty much a must for women nowadays. Add to that having to be the housewife at home as well, cleaning the dishes, feeding the kids, washing the laundry, mopping the floor, changing the bedsheets…my own personal maid at home.

So then I would stop to think, that compared to my mundane life that just passed in the blink of an eye without much achievements, a woman’s life would cost so much more.

Therefore, I would come to the conclusion that: women rock.

*

It is currently 1.03AM, so I apologise for sounding sucky and incoherent. This post started off with much vehemence, then as the night progressed, I was practically rambling the whole way through. I also probably sounded really sexist. 😐 But this is just me, as a member of the male species, not men in general. So yeah. Don’t mean to create controversy or anything. Right, I should probably go now before I embarrass myself even more.

A Letter To My Future Self

Dear 30-year-old Michelle,

Hopefully you’re not dead. Hopefully the apocalypse did not happen (or has not happened yet) and that you are safe and well. Sorry for starting off this letter on such a morbid note. As the older version of my current 15-going-on-16 self, you would know of my paranoia and understand how those notions managed to pop into my head when writing a letter into the future.

How are you? What are you doing in life now? Gosh, this scares me a little, to think that wittle me will eventually step out into the world as an adult and actually get a job! That is, unless you are currently jobless, which is something even more fearful. Which path did you choose: medicine or journalism? Hopefully you made the right choice, and not the wrong one which (probably) landed you in your (probable) jobless position. If you are wondering (or in case you have forgotten, your memory meddled by the modernisms of growing up and stepping into a highly-advanced society), I am still torn between these two fields. Should I go for the medicinal or journalism field? As of right now, I am talking up pure sciences, which means I am embarking on a journey to pursue medicine. But I don’t know. I’ve always thought, ever since I was a little kid, that I would grow up to be a writer, because ultimately, that’s what I love more than anything else in the world. But I know writing books for a living isn’t a steady job, albeit a more relaxed and entertaining one. That is why I took my parents advice to pursue medicine. That, and also because I reckon that’s what everyone expects of me.

Work aside, do you have a family now? You remember when you were my age and you used to say that you don’t want to marry and want to live in a cottage in the outskirts of London with 20 dogs? Do you still think like that? I don’t think so. At least, that’s what Mum assured me, that when I grow up, I would want a family, and also loads of children. If you do have a family, do you think it was the right choice? Is the man you married someone you truly and genuinely love?  (This sounds so corny but I suppose, as and adult, you wouldn’t find it that way.)

Are you still in Malaysia? Perhaps you’re in England or Australia now. Or by some miraculous and fortunate chance, in Russia. How’s Mum and Dad? Hopefully you brought them together with you. If you didn’t, I demand you bring them along. Now. I know this sounds really hypocritical of me, but despite how many times I told myself and Mum and Dad that I would never, ever abandon them, I can actually see myself doing just that in the future, and that makes me really sad and angry towards myself. So if you really did abandon them, well, this is your hormonal and temperamental 16-year-old self telling you to Go. And. Reunite. With. Them. However, if you still have a purely good conscience, and you are living with Mum and Dad, I applaud you. That makes me feel very relieved and glad that I did not turn out to be a monster.

Do you have many friends? Are you still in contact with your old friends? Are you still the socially awkward penguin you were as a teenager (which is me right now)? I hope not. Hopefully your social life is that of a character’s in How I Met Your Mother. I wouldn’t worry at all then. In fact, I would be so envious that you have such a great social life. However, if you’re still a lonely hermit… Well, shame on you.

Do you have any pets right now? Currently, Heart and Golden are the ones still present. Hopefully you get a cat this time. They seem lovely. As least, some of them do.

Lastly and most importantly, are you happy? Because that’s what I wish for you more than anything else in the world. It doesn’t matter that you’re jobless, a spinster, stuck in a shack in a kampong area, friendless or petless if you’re happy. Because that’s what matters in life right? The ultimate goal in life? To seek happiness and feel infinite? Ah, I wish my/your life boils down to that.

Today is the 14th of May in year 2011, and the teenage Michelle is currently in her room procrastinating on her History revision for  her midyear test, which is tomorrow. She is quite hungry and thirsty but is too lazy to go downstairs to fill her stomach and quench her thirst. She also needs to pee but like I said, is too lazy to do so. She wants me to tell you that on this day, despite the many roller coaster rides she’s have had in her life, she is more or less in a good mood and contented with her life, and she wishes you the same.

Now go create history or something awesome like that.

Love,
Yourself.