Category: A Bigger Life

For three weeks, Bellyn and I have been shooting for a video called “Sh*t A-Levels Students Say” (which is, as you can see above, more politely renamed as “Stuff A-Levels Students Say”) as a project for our ALSTAR group. It’s quite a funny story, how the video turned out to be a video because we initially had a scriptwriting committee but in the end the presence of a script…eventually…got erased from our memories…and we found it well, easier to shoot impromptu scenes with ideas that were come up with right on the spot. And the end result is this. I was audio manager for the project, which means that I used my phone to record the actors’ voices as Bellyn filmed them. The only other time I’ve ever done anything of the sort was at YNN Camp and that didn’t really turn out quite well with me behind the camera, but I daresay this time was much better. It was pretty fun running around thinking of wacky, not-lame ideas and watch the torturous expressions on the actors’ faces as we asked them to repeat the scene again and again and again.

On the day of the video’s “premiere”,  Bellyn went around all the NWG classes and played the video on the projector screen for everyone to see, and the both of us (plus a couple of our classmates) would just stand outside, peeping into the classrooms through the glass panels, observing their reactions and feel our hearts expand just a nanometer more everytime someone laughed. Of course, the whole idea wouldn’t have been able to be materialised into something that actually exists on the Internet now if it weren’t for Bellyn so let’s just all take another moment to appreciate her great videography and her great everything.

The second video isn’t as grand and majestic as the first, considering how I spent about two days compiling all the videos I have on my phone into a single montage with an app called Splice (which is A+ for people like me who a) don’t have a MacBook and b) have a very laggy PC with an even laggy-er Windows Movie Maker). The main reason I made this video, to be honest, is to send in to Dan and Phil’s radio show (which, I found out from Sakina, they didn’t show during their radio show last night aw sadface) and partially also because it was pretty funny and fun since it’s basically a montage of (1/50 of) my life. If I could sum up the video in three words, it would be: singing, dogs and random walking shots. Also, watch with your own discretion, I guess.

If you’re lucky, you might even spot yourself in the video! (Please contact me if you wish to have the video taken down because I just realised I didn’t ask anyone’s permission to post footage of themselves online oh god)

People/dogs in the video (in order of appearance): Bon Bon, Diyani, Lailati, Daddy (:~D), Ati-K, Aifa, Farhanah, Sarah, Anum, Khey Ken, Jia Yuan, Ryan Tedder (whoops), Lady, David Chee, Kak Mariatul Dianah, Mummy (:~D), Heart, Sakina Jumat, Paramore (double whoops), Tan Boon Ping, Yi Jing, Lee Zong Jun, (1/4 of) Chin Pei Ying, Laila, Rumin, Taliza Kitman (by extension: Ian Shih, Ken Fui and Karu) and A LOT OF MY FACE EW

The milestones I mentioned in the title above comprise of several things, one of those being Careful Confessions hit 100,000 views! It happened just two days ago, I think, and it’s amazing to think how many people in the entire world have read these words I’ve written, digested them, and then formed thoughts and opinions of their own based off mine. It’s crazy. All in the span of a mere five years, too. I still remember the very first day I created this blog: I was at Old Town (which doesn’t exist anymore) at the newly built Tesco in Alor Setar, taking advantage of the cafe’s free wifi by offering three bucks in exchange for a hot chocolate drink. It was then that I discovered someone who I was “researching” had a blog on this very blogging platform, WordPress, and I was instantaneously encouraged to make a blog of my own. And here I am, five years later, sitting in my hostel room, taking a short break from math revision to write this overdue blogpost. I still remember in the very few posts I first wrote, I wrote as if addressing an audience of thousands even though only four to five of my classmates then had the URL of this blog. I didn’t really write for anyone back then, more for my own amusement than anything else. Sometimes I miss those days when the pressure of a fixed audience was non-existent and I was able to write and post anything, but having an audience over the past few years has greatly boosted my confidence to voice out my opinions so it’s not entirely a bad thing. Happy 100k views, CC! Here’s to another 100k.

Following the “Stuff A Levels Students Say” video premiere, it was just a relentless routine of refreshing the youtube page and smiling to ourselves and having mini celebrations each time we saw the views go up. As of this moment, it has 6,541 views and that’s some pretty impressive feat right there.

Other milestones aren’t so numerical and physical, but more of a personal achievement kinda thing where I try to involve myself in discussions which aren’t purely gossip (because we all know how we cannot live without gossip) and also “bond” with people beyond the shallow surface of just saying hi whenever we walk past each other, which, according to John Green who coined this term as a metaphor for human connections in Paper Towns, is like sharing vessels. Now, honestly, don’t take this in the wrong direction at all, because what I’m trying to say is I’ve come to realise how reliant our own personalities are on human connections, which can both be a good and bad thing, but nonetheless very surreal and amazing. When you find someone who has a core similar to yours, and you can actually sense the depth of the conversation you are having with them instead of just staring soullessly into their eyes and feel your words not reach them. (Very hardcore stuff, if you get what I mean. Which you probably don’t. Because it’s an inside joke.)

Okay, I should probably publish this post now before my laptop goes into another blue screen mode which 1) happened while I was writing this blogpost (thank goodness for autosave) 2) has happened twice already in the span of five hours 3) kind of indicates that I might need a new laptop, maybe?

I mean, it doesn’t always feel like home all the time, of course, but it’s enough that I feel comfortable and very much enjoy the company of my classmates. Classes don’t just feel like mere lessons where the lecturer drawls on and on either, more like a voyage or even simpler, a road trip where we’re all sitting in the back seat arguing over what to listen to on the radio or snatching packets of chips amongst ourselves; classes where our lecturers are also participants of this little road trip we have, so that no one is left out.

And then there are the crazier moments spent outside of class where anything at all could happen. I’ve not only been taken out of my comfort zone, but its also been stomped on and pulverized several times that sometimes I just feel like a fish out of water, out of the mundane routine I follow in my natural habitat. But sometimes it’s refreshing, like taking a fresh drag of breath after living in under-oxgygenated water for so long. Both frightening and exhilarating. And I think that’s what makes each day a brand new one that is anticipated to be filled with different challenges, different situations and different topics to share my two cents about. It’s taught me to fulfil both aspects of input and output, to share but also to listen, to catch with both hands what is thrown my way, to participate and contribute as a body and not confining myself to the bare four walls of my room and the everglowing light of my laptop screen.

that I’m writing this on the third day of being a lookbook.nu model but to be fair, it has nothing to do with physical appearances.

I can safely say I’m pretty happy and confident about my physical appearance (if not why the influx of lookbook photos I’ve been spamming y’all with right) and I know there’s not much I can do to alter the flaws I’ve been given together with this body; hence, I’m pretty thankful I am the way I look, so whenever anyone questions my height or weight I don’t really allow myself the capacity to be angry or sad or frustrated. I think I’m allowed that at the very least after a few years of abhorring my weight and constantly questioning why can’t I be as pretty as so and so etc.

But it’s not the outside I’m insecure about. It’s the inside. Coming to college, especially, has made me think a lot about this. It’s kind of hard not to, since I’m meeting so many new people. At many points in my life, I was convinced that everyone here hated me. My classmates, my housemates, even people I don’t know. I didn’t know if it was because I’ve had a change in personality (why didn’t this happen back in high school?) or it’s the environment or just growing up. Since forever, I’ve always been paranoid about what other people think of me, and there’s always this beckoning urge to please and make everyone around me happy even if I myself am not. Hence why I very seldom express true opinions on my own- unless it’s on the Internet then I have my Internet profile as a façade to protect myself from criticisms and disagreements.

I said this on twitter the other day, that I expect other people to invest as heavily in me as I do in them, but I realise that’s really far-fetched considering how my strong sentimentality and emotionality is not a common factor among the general teen-going-on-adult population, and thus many wouldn’t be able to comprehend. I just sound conceited at this point, but if my observations thus far are genuine, I’ve yet to met a similar person yet. As a result of this eternal fixed distance between me and whoever, there’ll always be this strong wariness and sensitivity that any motion or comment at all from the opposite party might stem from the annoyance of interacting  or even just standing within the vicinity of me. It’s terrible. I mean, I’m working on it, but it’s terrible. To put it simply, I’m terrified of being hated but am not afraid to do so, which is a very hypocritical move and I judge myself strongly because of that.

And then there’s the constant reminder that I am the perfect example of a jack of all trades but master of none. There are so many talented people that are especially great at a particular field and there’s just me dabbling in everything but never really being able to come up with a true talent that I am able to present to others, at least. All talk but no genuine material. I mean, whatever I can do, almost everyone else can do it better. It feels shit not being a reliable source to others.

Sometimes all I want to do is pack up and leave for home, where I was cocooned within safely for six months, away from the prying eyes and judgments from the cruel hearts of society.

PS. RIP Golden, my faithful canine buddy for 10 years. You will be, and are missed.