Month: January 2011

The people we passed by, the people we once knew, have you ever wondered where they are, what they are doing now? A close friend could now be a stranger you barely give a glance as you pass by each other on the street, too busy to notice the familiar face of someone you once loved. Likewise, an enemy could have very well be the one sitting next to you at school all the time. Have you ever laid in bed, browsing through folders and folders of rusty memories that you have come to cherish so well, and wonder, where is that boy who used to play tag with the girls all the time, who used to pick up food that had fallen onto the ground and eat it anyway? What about that classmate of yours who had crazy hair and made the funniest jokes in class? Are they still the same? Surely not. What are they doing now? How are they? You want to know, but you don’t know how. You have lost contact with them for months, and that’s not counting years yet. Then you realise, they’re gone. Just like a speck of dust landing on the tabletop, on the window sill, on your favourite novel, on your dog’s fur, they’re gone, gone with the wind, going where the wind brings them, and it is almost impossible to know where they are or how they are now.

Then there are those who have become people you barely recognise now. Photoshoots of them as teenage models, how could you have ever expected that? That innocent girl who was so shy and barely talked, now well-known as a model. Three years ago, would you have expected that boy who used to cry all the time in class to become a great badminton player? Or, looks-wise, would you have expected that buck tooth girl to transform into such a beautiful princess, the object of desire in her new environment? Everything is so unexpected. Changes happen too quickly.

Then there are the same old, same old. The best circle of friends with the best memories you would never ever give up on. The reminiscence, the road down the memory lane, the jokes and the teasing…all of them so wonderful and melancholic at the same time. I am still tricking myself into thinking, I’m still a part of my childhood. We aren’t any different from before, six, seven years ago. We aren’t any different from the Rugrats kids, or the kids from HeyArnold! But we will be, eventually, and this is the precipice where we stand, so fragile, the only discrete bond connecting us being determination and desperation. Two more years, this year and the next. Two more years, I’ll give myself that period of time to savour the moments I spend with those I call my friends. And then we’ll have to go our separate ways. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden that last scene from High School Musical 3 popped up in my mind, when everyone was graduating, going their own ways. There is a kind of bitterness of leaving the comfort of the norm of our lives to go out there, but we all have to do it eventually.

I cherish the memories I have and will build a fort out of it, thus when the dark days fall upon me I’ll know where to crawl to.

♫This is my Hello, Goodbye to all of you.

Lately, I have been very reluctant to post on this blog because many personal issues have aroused and to save myself from the prying eyes this blog garners, I have been posting in my other personal site. Thus, why I haven’t been around.

So, if you’re from my school, you will know that I have been demoted to 4A last week, and then 4N again this week. I guess I shouldn’t consider it a demotion since it has nothing to do with the deterioration of my grades or anything, but if you look at it a way, it sure does seem so. I don’t have much of a say in this, so it’s no point elaborating much on this anymore.

I revisited my old buddy, swimming, again, this afternoon, and I must say it was the best day I have had in weeks since the reopening of school. Yun Tong, Yun Shuan, Yetong, Peik Hwa, Laiyy, Nadia are a few of my friends who went for this “1Malaysia 1Sukan” (or something like that) activity. Unfortunately, it was quite an unpopular sport and only around 20 people attended. We went to the MBAS pool, the one right next to the KFC restaurant at Jalan Stadium. At the mere mention of that place we sort of cringed because it was normally jam-packed and quite dirty, compared to the ASRC pool we normally go to. In the bus, I carelessly passed off a comment to Peik Hwa “how good would it be if we went to the pool and found out there was no one there but only us kids from Asma?” and guess what, the pool was indeed ours! And it was fairly clean, as well. Those were two bonuses we hadn’t actually expected.

It was great being in the water after laying my poor, pampered muscles to rest for months. By the time it was almost 5, I had deduced that this was the most tiring swim I have ever had, since we covered the whole pool at about…2 or 3 laps? The minute I got out of the water it was like having someone putting whole sacks of heavy objects on my shoulders while kicking me in the back knees at the same time.

Another plus side was, we had quite a meal at KFC after cleaning up. And boy it was the best meal I have ever had after a swim. I felt so tired and hungry I almost couldn’t stand while queuing at the counter that it was such a bliss chomping on my food so quickly because everyone else was doing the same. Eating with friends is one of the purest form of joy. Almost as good as going out to watch a movie with them.

The bus arrived later than scheduled, but I got home just fine, and had an hour and a half of sleep before going to tuition. I am a hundred and one percent sure my limbs are going to moan and groan endlessly tomorrow but I’m hoping for another trip down to the pool next week.

Okay I am aware this isn’t much of an update, more like my swimming trip, so I’m also going to write this next bit I was inspired to write just a while ago.

I just visited Xuen’s blog and I know I’ve seen her tweeted about going to college before, but skimming through her blog posts and photos about actually being at college, I had this…I don’t know, sort of a sense of…pride? Because a while ago I swear she had only been posting about her life as an SPM candidate, about school and tuitions and revisions and whatnot and then suddenly she’s taken her driving test and gone off to college, and I know I’m sounding like such an insensitive creep now, but I truly felt this sort of…happiness, watching the actual process of growing up. How can this be? How can all this have flown by so fast? And then soon you’ll stop seeing me whining about exams and school because I myself will probably be shipped elsewhere (to somewhere exotic, I hope) and this blog and this person writing here will be so different I don’t think I’ll even recognise myself. This makes me excited and scared at the same time.

So yeah, that was just my train of thought. And now, this is the end of another weblog-pisode, brought to you specially by none other than the legen-

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait…

Dary

Michelle

 

 

Yeah I know that’s not really how you use Barney Stinson’s line but I’m out of witty lines so work with me here.

 

If you took one look at my title and think I’m talking about Fernando Torres, you must not know me at all. I dislike football (or soccer, if you will have it) with a particular passion. Except for the World Cup. That I can accept because I enjoy having three of us head over to my dad’s friend’s house just to watch it on cable and I would pretend to pay attention to the match when in reality I am just enjoying being in a new environment and reading my book.

Anyway I digress. I have been listening to quite a lot of ABBA lately. Yes, that 80’s Swedish pop music group that my parents and I thought were actually coming to Malaysia to perform last year but turned out to be a pop music group trying to dress, sing and act like ABBA but weren’t ABBA. Their music is fantastic and more original than anything you hear nowadays. I know I can’t exactly connect them to my childhood like I can with Bee Gees because I hadn’t actually listen to them when I was still a kid, but listening to them still brings a sense of nostalgia, of what had, what is, and what will be in this world. I don’t know exactly how it does that but it does.

Today is technically the first day of schooling (I said schooling, not school) because we are finally sorted into our Form 4 classes and also got our textbooks. I am now a student in 4 Sultanah, the only Chinese in the class, although not the only non-Muslim. As usual, there is always despair during class-sorting, and after going through that grief for three consecutive years, I decided to not give a hoot about which class I am in and just make the best of it. I’m not sour, I’m okay with my class, even though this means I won’t be in the same class as Pei Fong, Yuen Ming, Hoi Chin, Jia Yee, Yu Han, Shi Qian, Chew Jie and probably won’t see them as frequently anymore. But I have Leea, Aina, Anum, Natalia etc in this class so I might as well make the best of it, right? First day of schooling, and I am actually anticipating classes like a duckling following its mother into the water for the first time. I had a taste of what Physics is really like, and I’m actually trying to take everything slow and steady, and constantly remind myself that there’s no need to rush, no need to panic at all. It’s a new beginning and since we’re probably going to whine over how tedious and boring all this is in about 3 or 4 months, why not take joy in it in the only moment you can?

Look at me, being all inspirational and all.

School affairs aside, look what Beneh brought for me today!

So apparently she saw me tweeting about wanting a LOTR book set long ago and brought it up yesterday that she had them at home so my eyes brightened, literally brightened and got really excited and asked if it’s okay if I could borrow them and she said sure she could because no one at home reads them anymore anyway so this forms an idea in my head and I asked her if it’s okay to sell them to me because I want them so, so badly but instead she said she can give them to me as an early birthday present and I swear, I swear I almost fell off my seat and couldn’t believe my ears and oh my lovely Beneh thank you thank you thank you so much I love you. :*

Today was a pretty good day. (No tuition too!) The only downside is I’ve finished Mark Reads Catching Fire, at least, until the part he reviewed and apparently he hasn’t been reviewing since 7th of January and this makes me kind of worried if I overlooked a notice or something because he usually reviews daily but it’s okay I’m going to go watch an episode (or two) of Skins and put up fresh posters on my wall.

 

I can honestly say the first week of school crawled by oh so slowly. The weekend, however, passed by like a rocketship to Pigfarts. Nothing interesting happened, and so that is why the only possible highlight of my week is Mark Reads The Hunger Games. Best thing ever, since Alex Reads Twilight. Mark has this awesome way with words so I finished all 27 chapters of his reviews on The Hunger Games in about two days, and I’m now on  Mark Reads Catching Fire. His reviews seem really comical and all, but I swear Mark, when you read Mockingjay, you will bawl your eyes out like I did. Nevertheless, I am curious as to how he will be reviewing Mockingjay.

Mark Reads Twilight should also be equally brilliant as I am sure there will be lots of dissing here and there, which is exactly the point of reviewing a book such as Shitelight, I mean, Twilight.

Something really awkward and unexpected happened in school today, and if you’re from my school you should know what I’m talking about. I’m just saying, putting revealing photos of yourself on the Internet is about the worst and stupidest way to try and garner attention. What exactly is the purpose of your action? I’m in no way to criticise or talk bad about someone, but I’m just saying, it was a really, really foolish and childish thing to do.

What I’m about to write is probably going to be laughable, but for some reason, my doubts of the world ending in a year’s time is starting to fade. And no it’s not because I’m trying to sound depressed and all “Hurray the world is ending it’s a cause to celebrate!” I mean, look at the news! Floods in Brazil, Queensland and South Africa; soon we’ll be living on water. Or worse, we won’t be living at all.

Okay just kidding I don’t mean to sound morbid.

But if it really comes to that there’s actually so much to do in just two years’ time. So you will excuse me if I act too impulsive sometimes, because it seems like we are running out of time and I don’t want to wait for JT and Madonna to start singing 4 Minutes before I do all the things I want to do before I die.

Just a thought.

 

There is a memory that can never fade away from my mind, one that I like to occasionally pull from the back of my mind and cherish it. Jia Yuan and I were at the topmost floor of Sekolah Wawasan, back when we were in Standard Six. It was days until the then terrifying UPSR, and we were just talking, and we talked how time would fly by so fast, that after the UPSR obstacle, PMR will come for us soon, followed by SPM, and then we’ll be working, and then married, have kids, grow old, and finally die. It seemed just yesterday this happened. Then again, everything seems like it has happened “just yesterday”, isn’t it?

I’ve decided three posts about my help-me-I’m-in-a-dilemma-to-choose-what-sort-of-person-I-want-to-be-in-the-future-and-everything-is-just-freaking-me-out posts is enough and I’m going to stop with my whining for today. Just today. Instead, let me tell you about my first encounters with upper form subjects and using my brain for homework for the first time in three months.

Last night I had Chemistry tuition, and honestly I thought it was okay. Modesty aside, out of 25 questions I even only got three wrong. Most were solved by common sense and really lucky guessing, I admit okay, because honestly how am I supposed to know what a monosodium glutamate is at first sight? (Yes I now know it’s MSG thank you very much.) But still, I feel more relieved than anything else. I just had Add Math tuition just now, and lo and behold, I thought it was pretty easy. Of course, it’s only the first chapter, but still, I expected a slaughter, not flowers and rainbows. I know you’ll say “Well, it might be flowers and rainbows now but it’ll be literal manslaughter next” I know that thank you very much again.

On a more positive side, Heart is fully well! Although there isn’t really a cure for parvovirus, all symptoms are gone and the vet has declared him safe for now. I haven’t carried or really touched him for about a week now, and getting to carry him today put a real big smile on my face. Even though he’s never really left me and vice versa, I’ve missed him so much, and it feels really good to have him in my arms again.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I have a dog.

Nothing to report in school, the talks given today doesn’t really affect me that much, but I will say this though, for once, my ignorance, indifference, cold, unfriendly & anti-social attitude actually paid off. I won’t say a word about what I’m actually talking about because my lips are sealed, but I can’t believe the socially awkward penguin in me has actually given me an advantage in this situation, tipped the odds in my favour. What a wonder.

I don’t know if this is turning into one of those 365 blogs. I don’t want it to be like that but I can’t help coming home and preparing to write something, anything in here. The beginning of a new year is always full of new surprises and interesting events (well interesting to me anyway) so this should wear off eventually when I actually get busy and lazy.

Sasha once asked what I wanted to be in the future.

When I was younger, I wanted to be lots of things. My first ambition was to be a vet, together with my best friend Natalie, since we loved pets so much. Later, as years go by, my ambitions varied almost every month or year. I wanted to be a teacher, doctor, fashion designer, housewife (yes I’ve thought of that), artiste, lawyer etc, until I started secondary school and discovered my passion for writing. Since then, I’ve wanted to be a writer or a journalist.

But my parents wanted me to be involved in the medicinal field. I know a lot of people would say “you should only choose your career path based on what you love, what you want to do, instead of what other people want you to do” and believe me, that’s exactly the tactic I worked in arguments and I’m not trying to make my parents look like the bad guys here because they do have a point, that is, a writer’s job is unstable and unpredictable. What I had in mind about being a writer was writing a bestselling book and have it interpreted into a movie and earn lots of hard cash and being named the next Rowling or something, but things like that are bullshit and always never happen to young, new and inexperienced writers, and they didn’t want me to end up jobless, penniless, or with a book no one in their right minds would want to read. That kind of thing is damn near impossible so they advised me to go for a job that can earn me money for real, and if everything goes well, well, there’s my time to write a book. I accepted this, and agreed with delving into the medicinal field.

My dad suggests being a pharmacist, since pharmacists are hugely in demand nowadays, especially in Australia so that’s what I should aim to be if I want to further my studies in Australia. An orthodontist wouldn’t be bad either, they suggested, and personally, I think I would enjoy being an orthodontist more than I would a pharmacist, because in my mind’s eye, a pharmacist is a huge, paunched, middle-age man reading the newspaper and looks at you boringly when you enter a pharmacy and go up to the counter to ask for this and that. I now know that’s not it, I really do, but I still think I would be more interested in orthodontics, me wearing braces and all plus my curiosity driving me to be interested in this field.

Then again, sometimes I would daydream, something I do quite often. Before I continue, you should know (and everyone who knows me must already know) that I hugely despise hospitals and needles and all that. Two months ago, I went to the hospital for the first time since about a year or two to visit my grand-aunt in Penang, and as I passed by wards and sick patients, I couldn’t help but feel like throwing up. Walking in hospital corridors makes me think morbid thoughts. I hate the blank white walls that make me picture all sorts of gruesome things and I hate the huge machines and equipment and the tools and just everything. Whenever I’m in the ICU, my heart always thump uncontrollably whenever I look at the ECG/blood & oxygen/response/blood pressure monitor, always afraid of hearing those beeps, my paranoia driving me into thinking something was wrong when the beeps pick up pace. Until now, I am still terribly frightened of needles. I’m not exaggerating when I say I can feel the air knocked out from me whenever I see a needle. I can’t even hold or look at Heart whenever he is injected. I literally screamed when Soo Pei showed me Ah Kong’s amputated toe at the hospital yesterday. Basically, what I’m saying is, I can never be a doctor, or work in a hospital.

But, as you know, I’ve been to hospitals quite often lately, and I think we can all agree that the hospitals and doctors in Alor Setar are pretty shit. Doctors can tell you you have disembowelment problems when in fact you have intestinal cancer, or they can tell you nothing serious is happening to you when you go for a check-up, when in reality you are experiencing renal failure. This is all true and has happened to people I know. My grandmother and grand-aunt are examples of this stupidity and by the time they finally took a car ride down to Penang to get a real check-up, they are admitted into the ICU immediately or in worse situations, it’s already too late. So this made me think that I might actually want to be a doctor, and come back to Alor Setar and work in the hospitals here, and maybe, just maybe, driven by my determination to stop this stupidity from continuing and my irritation at their stupidity in general, I might just make it, and then we don’t have to suffer from all this false pretenses.

Another field I might go for is veterinary, my first ambition from childhood. Again, as you all know, there is only one vet in Alor Setar and I’m not going to name names since you should already know who he is, and as you all know, he is also complete shit, but no one can actually argue with him because he’s the only private vet in town, and you can’t argue with the only person who can save your pet’s life. So if I really do become a vet, I’m going to open up my own shop in Alor Setar, right next to his if I can afford it, and treat people and pets better than he ever did and show him what a complete douchebag he is.

I’m sorry if I seem too harsh, but how can you not be mad at someone who criticises and blames you when you bring your pet to him? You are a doctor. You doctor my pets. I did not ask for your opinion. So you shut your mouth. I paid to get you to save my dog’s life, not to hear you call us stupid fellows and praise yourself endlessly.

Anyway, so this is what I have in mind for my career path. It might all seem very well-planned, but I am still really, really confused and indecisive and can’t seem to make up my mind about who I want to be.

This morning in school, we had two talks, the first by a doctor from Sultanah Bahiyah Hospital about medicinal field, and the second by two engineers from UNIKL about engineering field.

I can honestly say the first talk really made me open my eyes, besides giving me dreadful scare. She, Dr Fikriah, was an ex-Asma student. She used to be the head prefect, president of the school marching band, and head of PRS. This really impressed me. It wasn’t really a wonder she is a doctor now. She described her experience of graduating and entering medic school and how got to be the person she is now.

She didn’t get straight As in her SPM, so she studied in a local university, at USM. She took up medicine and studied for 5 years (if I’m not mistaken). The effect of her speech has worn off of me now at 6.17pm, whereas I was passionate for a blog post in the morning, hearing her talk. There were loads to study, and when she and a bunch of other candidates sat for the first test in medic school, less than half passed, and those who failed had to repeat another year again. I know many have told me this before, but hearing her say it like that, with me indecisive about my career path, I felt really, really scared. Besides, she also said to take up medicine, you have to be strong and determined, because it is a very tough journey, and most of the tests are also conducted orally. It was like a huge boulder had dropped in my gut. I’m not strong. I give up very easily. And if you didn’t know yet, I’m afraid of public speaking. So what am I going to do now?

At that moment, I was paralyzed with fear, really, and I didn’t know what to do. What if taking up medicine wasn’t the right path for me? She said a few of friends had to be admitted into psychiatrist wards in their medical journey, and I have a feeling I could end up horribly too, the time comes. I don’t know. I was right about “toughening myself up for the future” in one of my previous posts. I just hope I’ll be able to make it through.

Boy, this year is starting quite scarily. I know I’m thinking and worrying too much, but I can’t help worrying about the inevitable. It’s what I do.

Second day of school and I’m already frightened out of my wits. Today, we had all the upper form subject teachers give us briefings about their own subjects, like Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Add Math, Principle of Accounts, Music, ICT etc and I’m just saying that the one thing they are extremely good at (besides teaching their own specific subject, of course) is giving us a proper fright.

“Most people get 40, 50 marks in their add math tests… some even get 8 marks -8 marks over a hundred percent!- so if you get 70 marks it’s considered a huge A. It’s not susah, it’s susah gila.”

“Biology isn’t hard. It’s not when you understand what you’re studying. Although only 8 students got A+ for Bio last year.”

Shit is going down. How am I supposed to study for Add Math? And I thought Biology was considered pretty easy compared to Physics and Chemistry?

I thought teachers were supposed to educate and guide us, not work this scare-the-students-with-threats tactic on us. “Demented, psychotic and brain-frying” are starting to make perfect sense, Caleb.

My dad is saying I’m worrying too much. That it’s only the second day of school and I haven’t even stepped into my classroom and started lessons yet so why am I worrying?

I don’t know. I’ll probably cry the shit out of my eyes if I get 50 marks for Add Math.

And the tuitions, dear lord the tuitions. Tuitions everyday except for Friday, and only because I stubbornly refused to sign up for Accounts tuition on Friday night because, well, it’s Friday, the only day in the week I truly feel relaxed and stress-free, a proper weekend. Besides, I need to leave a day free for the mountainous homework headed my way, so I should probably forget “relaxed” and “stress-free”.

Who on Earth said Form 4 is honeymoon year unless by “honeymoon” you mean you married the wrong person and you spend your actual honeymoon in torturous hell, that I can agree with you.

Besides that, my school counselor gave us this “Sidek Personality Inventory”, asked us to fill it up and hand it in tomorrow. Because I was right next to the computer while filling up this form, I decided to Google the results I got. This is the site I got my results based on. I know I’m probably not allowed to do that but I was curious and Google never fails so here’s what I got (with a little help from Google translate):

• Agressive -40%: Demonstrates that you are assertive/firm. You claim rights but at the same time you also take care of other people’s feelings.

I don’t know about the “assertive/firm” part, but I do claim rights all the time (although only on the Internet lol).

• Analytical -60%: The analytical features of your address is simple. Your interest is in analyzing simple gusto.

• Autonomy -90%: You like full freedom and show them in your actions and you are able to control your own daily activities.

• Dependence -50%: Dependence of the medium level.

Okay I am genuinely surprised I only got 50% and not more.

• Extrovert -0%: You do not like to socialize. You always avoid interacting in large groups. You are comfortable working within your own working environment.

I am not surprised about this at all.

• Intellectual -60%: Features at a moderate level of intellectual.

• Introvert -80%: You are not social and prefer to avoid situations which compel you to communicate. You are comfortable working independently.

Accuracy at it’s finest.

• Variety -50%: Shows the characteristics of diversity are moderate. You are fine with both change and stabilization.

• Endurance -30%: You lack physical endurance, mental and emotional. You easily ignore something if it is considered worthless. Quickly bored.

• Self-criticism -100%: Shows problematic individuals. This is usually associated with individuals who often have low self-esteem, anxiety, guilt over what has been done and does not believe that he has achieved something successfully. Individuals who score between 60% and 70% is said to benefit from individual counseling, while individuals who scored more than 70% of individuals is said to be badly in need of counseling.

Oh shit.

• Control -10%: Rational, you accept the opinion of others, and have a “do not care” attitude. You feel more comfortable being led than leading.

• Helpfulness -40%: At a medium level.

• Support -80%: Always wanted to be supported, dependent, wants to be loved, understood and sympathised. (With the combination of low scores to helpfulness, you are an individual who is very selfish.)

Not really that surprising, really, but isn’t this a paradox to my 50% of dependence?

• Structure -80%: shows you are an individual who likes things structured, regular and detailed. Prefers careers that require tidiness, rules, accuracy, and repetition.

This fits well with my OCD.

• Achievement -50%: You are moderately motivated to achieve something.

I don’t like this.

• Deception -20%: This scale is a scale designed to specifically detect honesty of respondents in answering test items. Scores above 50% indicate respondents tend to give dishonest answers, thus the profiles obtained are not reliable.

Well, it’s a good and bad thing this inventory shows my supposedly true personality but I’m not sure if my school counselor will like my results…oh whatever, she’ll have to deal with it.

So anyway. Have a picture of me picking my nose in my room.

PS. Heart is getting better, I guess. He doesn’t seem so lethargic anymore, but having three needles poked into you must be a bitch. He’s eating, but only chicken meat. He refuses dog food and even sausages. Tomorrow will be his last injection and then we’ll have to see if he survives this parvovirus battle.